Staying Unhappy or Divorce Aren’t the Only Options.
Getting Divorced is Irreversible, Make Sure You Want It.
When people think of marriage problems, they often assume there are only two choices: marriage or divorce, when there are numerous creative options beyond that that couples could negotiate between themselves or with a marriage therapist, depending on their wants and needs. These can be interim plans or permanent, but whatever it is, I strongly encourage troubled couples to consider flexibility and open-mindedness when considering the best option for your family when divorce is on the table.
Very few people divorce because they don’t love their partner anymore. Most of the spouses I’ve known still care; it’s just that the interpersonal interactions between the two became dysfunctional, damage was done, injuries piled up, and at some point, it felt like too much to overcome. We all know there are thousands of reasons why people don’t work to improve their behaviors and actions when a spouse makes reasonable requests and begs and pleads for change, how much time should be given to an errant spouse before a person says, “You know what? I think I have enough data here to conclude that Maria or Don isn’t going to change.” The Decider in a divorce decision, who is torn, fears there is no right choice, that whatever move they make, either one is a loser. A person torn between staying married or entering the divorce process must be able to visualize climbing the hill ahead that might save the marriage. It’s one thing if the incline looks doable and another if it seems like Mt. Everest.
If it’s the latter, many may quickly conclude that trying involves too much painful and risky trekking, and there will likely be a lot of suffering, so, all things considered, making it to the top is probably futile. When a person tips over into a loss of hope, they believe their only option is divorce, but it isn’t.
Since I work with marriages on the brink, I see marital stalemates like this almost daily. As stress heightens and a decision seems imminent, there is a phenomenon where one or the other partner often appears to be in a hurry to come to some resolution, when slowing down, trying a managed separation or something else creative could delay or prevent divorce proceedings until absolute certainty is reached. The uncertainty and not-knowing is difficult for many, but becoming comfortable with it might hold the key to keeping a family together in the long run.
I once had acquaintances in San Antonio who separated for a few years, and eventually, they found their way back together. I know no other details, but it made me wonder if taking a very long break, with no pressure from either side, might create an opportunity for a reset. Why do people feel so hell-bent on moving forward quickly to be alone or find someone else? Can’t they be alone? If they can’t, that should be dealt with before anything else.
To be clear, I am talking about marriages where there are two good people, both with their interpersonal dysfunctions, who haven’t communicated their true feelings and struggles along the way, and have not spent the time it takes to learn how to have a great marriage, and the skills involved. So many times I see people about to pull the plug on their marriage when their spouse has no idea how unhappy they are, and haven’t been given a chance to make it right. How wrong is that? In those cases, and where you have children together, there will be hell to pay if your decision to leave comes out of the blue and mom or dad wasn’t given a chance. Ensure you have tried to get back to why you married your partner in the first place.
I am not talking about marriages that are abusive and/or involve domestic violence, or where addiction and serial infidelity is involved, and where one partner or both have brain or personality disorders that make it impossible to hope for change. Divorce is appropriate for some, and a godsend in those cases.
Common law divorce and taking real breaks.
I often think if my children’s dad had just let me go off and have my mid-life crisis while both were getting professional help in the form of individual therapy, we could have avoided such an awful and life-altering decision. I understand that would have been a lot to ask, I was dating people, but if, IF he could have looked the other way and let me get my hunger for human touch and anger out of my system, I’m pretty sure I would have wanted to come back and work on our previously unhappy marriage.
Why do I think that? Because the people I dated didn’t hold a candle to him when it came to what I was looking for. Getting that perspective was huge, and made me appreciate him again. I had thought dating would be fun, and I’d have my pick of men. Think again. Divorce fantasies of how wonderful being single might be often lure individuals into the fire like a moth, only to find they’ve been duped by their imagination and led into a smoking fire pit of dating doom and disasters. The bottom line is that a different person isn’t the answer anyway; getting healthy with yourself is.
Almost a year ago, I wrote about a friend from San Antoniowho saved her marriage by going through several years of what she described as a common-law divorce.They did nothing legal; she moved 70 miles away, lived in a condominium, did her own thing, including dating, and eventually got sick of it, came home, and they had their first child. The fact that her husband was willing to underwrite that financially, not hold it against her, and instead focused on his medical career, workouts, and involvement in his church got me thinking that creativity in marriage crisis options might be worth considering. As for her, her attitude was, “You can divorce me if you want. I don’t want a divorce, but I am leaving and may or may not be back.”
Why is it that most of us could not do something like that? Most of my clients involve two people capable of supporting themselves, so there wouldn’t be a financial dependency issue like my friend’s. Her husband wasn’t interested in dating or moving on, he wanted to keep focusing on his obsessions — work, health, and spirit activities. Many of my clients report having no interest in dating for a long time if they divorce, which I think is the healthiest stance. If you don’t want to date and your spouse isn’t an impossible horror, why do you want to divorce?
The biggest obstacles to being creative in marital stalemates are pride, ego, and what others might think or say. A lot of people stuck in their pride and ego often value themselves and what they want over others, and their stances lack empathy and understanding. They might say things like, “Over my dead body,” and “If my spouse cheats I will file for divorce the next day.” Life is complicated, people can change, and there are many factors to consider when one violates the marital vows, but the pride and ego person doesn’t consider any of them.
With people stuck in the shallow processing of their pride and ego, dignity, reputation, image, how others see them is of utmost importance. If a husband, for example, agrees that his wife may take a break from their marriage because they are not yet prepared to make a permanent decision, and that involves dating and seeing others, it could threaten how he and others see him as a man. He might fear being teased or judged and say to himself, “What kind of a man am I if I can’t keep my woman? People may think I could not satisfy her, that I am weak, and not a man.” For the record, women don’t usually become disgruntled because their spouse isn’t enough of a man in the bedroom or in any way. Women leave for a variety of reasons that typically involve lack of responsiveness. How often do I have to write that when your spouse makes reasonable requests, you should honor them? Too many.
My answer to any pride and ego resisters of the hail Mary compromises I bring up in a marriage crisis session is, what people make up about others without evidence is based on meaningless information, which may be the definition of a fool. The critics are also usually those who live their lives within the perimeters of other people’s approval, which means they are dysfunctional, unhappy, and lack the courage to create miracles for their families. Anytime we make decisions based on pride and ego, we live in fear and limit miracles and possibilities. Living your life so the throngs of dysfunctional judges can feel comfortable watching your life is beyond foolish.
The alternative to that is humility laced with compassion. Facing your family issues based on what is best for the whole and not what is best for you alone. This is the stance where positive changes and growth can occur and anything is possible.
Years ago my husband gave me two weeks to decide whether to stay or go. It was a colossal mistake, guided by his pride and ego.
Things to know.
The divorce and post-divorce period involve significant adjustment, no matter how much a person wants it. In my book I (Think) I Want Out, What To Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage, I write about how to go through this in the healthiest way possible: taking time afterward to grieve the experience, take stock of your mistakes, learn to correct them, heal, and then, if you want to date, do so.
However, if you have children and choose to end your marriage, they must come first over anything else if you want to get it right. It’s a good idea, and really the only way. Think about it. In most cases, divorce is foisted on children who go along because they want their parents to be happy. I understand that putting the kids’ interests first is challenging for those that have sacrificed for years and long to come out of marriage footloose and fancy free. Still, to maintain a healthy relationship with them, you must do them right. I speak on behalf of the many hundreds of now-adults who have described the pain they went through and the errors made when their parents divorced. To understand the dynamics and how to do it in a way that works for everyone, read the work of stepparenting researcher Patricia Papernow.
How about a one-year apart reset?
An idea I’ve had for some time is that if two people really don’t want a legal divorce for whatever reason and really can’t see living together and being cordial companions in the same home, how about living apart for an indefinite period?
Imagine it — what if the uncertain partner in a marriage crisis took a long break from marriage? A marriage crisis manager or family therapist, like myself, could coach you and your spouse through it. Leaning-in partners want reconciliation 100 percent of the time so they will likely protest these creative alternatives, at least initially. They often soften when they realize the only other choice the Decider will consider is divorce.
Many decades ago, when divorce was considered to be a shameful thing and proof that a person was unstable, people would separate for many years, sometimes until death. The famous actor Spencer Tracy famously lived apart from his wife and lived with actress Katherine Hepburn. His wife was a devout Catholic, and didn’t want a divorce under any circumstances. I understand that finances plays a part here, and this may only be an option for people who can each support themselves or when the one who wants to leave can finance the lives of two households, As I see it, the couple can stay in touch, meet occasionally, and this gives the Leaning-in partner all the time in the world to work on themselves, or not.
There are many reasons to consider this as an option, including continuing uncertainty, bank accounts, children, shared properties, health insurance, pensions, and benefits, as well as keeping the legal process and divorce attorneys from destroying a family. Though spending time apart for now, the Decider and Leaning-partners may grow in this experience, and find their way back to one another. I’ve seen it happen. If not, it is a beautiful way to end, waiting until high emotions have all but dissipated, and two adults can part, knowing it was the right decision for them. What is the wisdom of going through the legal process of divorce when both people are upset and their nervous systems are activated?
Renegotiate the marriage, or think out of the box to save your marriage.
The sky is the limit here. Legal separation, managed separation, part-time marriage, or any nondivorce option you might imagine for yourself, according to your situation. I remember the singer Tom Jones spent six months of the year as a husband to his wife of many years, Linda, and doing whatever he wanted. I never read an interview with his wife about it, but they stayed together from 1957 until she died in 2016. He was infamous and open about his infidelity, bedding hundreds of women a year, but hey, to each their own. If it worked for them, who am I to judge?
One of my most creative ideas involves staying married but living apart. Living in the same home together year after year can ruin any romance. Seeing your spouse in the bathroom (!) and through their worst times, tries the most patient and loving partner. Familiarity breeds contempt, wrote Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th century, and not much has changed since then. I have long wanted to design a home floor plan for families to prevent this, putting couples in separate bedrooms and bathrooms, a little meeting room to hang out in between, and children on the other side of the house. Or, two houses next door to one another, with an adjoining hallway. I think magic can be maintained, or return, if we weren’t expected to do things together and be around one another all the time. Magic and mystery are conducive to keeping love alive.
When it’s over, sometimes it’s not over.
When my old friend in San Antonio was a baby, she lived in Brooklyn and her dad left her mom for another woman, they divorced, and he remarried and had another family. Forty years later, he became a widower and reconnected with his former wife, Joyce. Somehow, some way, they began visiting, their hurt emotions from many decades before were long past, and they decided to live together and help one another. Joyce was his companion until he passed away. It wasn’t sexual, because yes, I asked her if it was. I was utterly fascinated how a couple could come together again after so much pain and disappointment. Pride and ego gone, hurt no longer felt, a daughter shared. That is love. It also underlines what I always say, the original family unit will always be a family, no matter who else comes in and out of their lives.
When divorce is necessary, do it amicably.
I have great disdain for the family law attorney who has no conscience and thinks nothing of destroying families with children who must cooperate and work together on one level or another over their lives, depending on how old their children are. I hope that my dream of helping couples through the marriage crisis process, through stabilization, decision-making, implementing a plan, and seeing the individual or couple through managed separation, reconciliation, amicable divorce, co-parenting, healing, and blending families, that we put adversarial attorneys out of business and take the nasty out of marital partings. I do think they will be around a while no matter how hard I try, and there is a role they can play — defending spouses who are married to abusers and manipulators who are out of control during the parting process, when amicable divorce isn’t a possibility.
For others, a good option as described in detail in my book, is to work through everything you can, spousal support, child support and child custody agreements, and whatever else you can with the marriage and family therapist who is your marriage crisis manager, then hire lawyers trained in collaborative divorce for legal advice, who refuse to take the nasty route. They will work out the final details that a therapist should not, ensuring each of you is getting what you’re entitled to according to your state laws, and then return to your therapist for oversight of coparenting moving forward.
The most important thing you can do is be slow and thoughtful during a marriage crisis and decision-making process. Consider all options, including creative ones or possibly one you create for yourselves. This is good news, and I sincerely hope it helps you and your family.
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If you want a signed book delivered straight from Becky, visit her website storehere.Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.
She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and is the author of“I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out,”published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster.
She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach — she is a licensed therapist in Texas and Arkansas. She also has aYouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Managerwhere she talks about relationships. She has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom.
Education and support groups are available for individuals in a marriage crisis. For more information visit MarriageCrisisManger.com.
Becky is looking for individuals thinking about divorce, people who are cheating, and couples in crisis, or people with amazing personal marriage crisis stories to tell to appear on her video podcast. For information, contact Becky.
WORKING WITH ME
I’m Dr. Becky Whetstone, a licensed marriage and family therapist and America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. I’ve spent nearly 30 years with people at the worst moment of their marriage.
I work with clients everywhere by Zoom. If something in this post hit close to home, here’s where to start.
My book: I (Think)I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage — Read the whole framework, in order, at your own pace.
Appointment: 90-Minute Marriage Crisis Consultation — Bring me your situation. You’ll leave knowing what stage your marriage is actually in and what to do next.
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