A serious concept for couples whose marriage is in serious trouble …
Separating will-nilly without a reason, purpose, and timeline is a fool’s game, and people often get stuck in marriage limbo. Managed separation was created to prevent that. Wondering if you need it? It is for couples whose marriage would absolutely, positively end in divorce otherwise … it ensures a couple doesn’t end a marriage that could possibly have been saved.
– Becky Whetstone
A Serious Concept For Couples Whose Marriage Is In Serious Trouble …
“Managed separation is for couples whose marriage would absolutely, positively end in divorce otherwise … it ensures a couple doesn’t end a marriage that could possibly have been saved.” – Becky Whetstone
Sometimes married couples need to separate. Although most marriage and family therapists stand for marriage and wish everyone could be saved, we know that not every marriage can or should be saved. Sometimes a married couple love one another but feel so much anger and distress that one or both can’t see—or feel—the love and care. What is really sad is that a legal divorce usually follows, and months or years after the fact, one or both often look back at the end result and wish he or she had waited longer to decide on divorce and had done more to save the marriage. And if you ask me, nothing is more tragic than to see a couple toss in the towel too soon, when a managed separation might have saved each from the suffering that’s sure to come with divorce and its aftermath.
In my work, I manage many separations, and I like it because I like hopefulness. As long as a couple is taking a managed break and not making any rash decisions about ending the marriage, I know there’s a chance the relationship’s health can be restored. The problem is that managed separations require an amazing amount of self-discipline and self-control, and in my experience, few people can pull it off, but maybe YOU can…
Why Separating On Your Own Doesn’t Work
There has been a lot of research on why the majority of couples who separate on their own, and then reconcile, usually end up divorcing. It doesn’t work because the marriage is tension-filled; they separate, but during the separation, most don’t do anything about the problems that brought the marriage to the brink in the first place. Time apart warms the heart, and suddenly one or both miss the other; in that missing, the husband and wife focus on the partner’s wonderful qualities and forget the annoyances. The cockles of the heart warm, a honeymoon period ensues, and the two reunite. But the honeymoon won’t last because old wounds, hurts, and disappointments remain, and little by little they reappear. Things said and done leading up to and during the separation will be used against one another, and now things are worse than ever.
Couples who go through this learn that the only way to rebuild trust, confidence, and security, and heal wounds, is through individual therapy and couples therapy.
Don’t Separate Without A Therapist To Guide You Through It
In most separations, one person wants to take a break and separate, and the other person doesn’t. (Although research shows that if the person being left were totally honest, he or she would have to admit they were unhappy in the relationship as well). When couples come into my office in this situation, the person being left usually pleads with me to convince the one leaving not to go, but I know that if one person needs that space and time away, he or she needs it. I describe that feeling as someone drowning and desperately needing air. If the person drowning doesn’t get the air, I can predict the marriage will end in divorce, when there was a chance it could have been saved.
That’s why I encourage the person who doesn’t want separation to agree to a managed separation. I call it a “managed separation” because it is a deliberate, focused plan enacted to save the marriage. This differs from an unmanaged separation, where two people spend time apart only to reconcile without doing the work they need to heal themselves and the marriage.
What’s Involved
In a successful managed separation, the couple and a third party, such as their marriage counselor or a trusted person, work out an agreement. Here is what must occur:
The attitude adopted must be love, not fear. A therapist can help you with this. For example, in my practice, if partners considering separation are hostile, we stop the conversation. I lead a guided meditation to help them relax, and once they’re relaxed, we continue. It makes a world of difference.
We set clear rules and boundaries regarding contact, visitation, details with children, dropping by the house, phone calls, text messages, who will mow the lawn, what to do when he or she gets a flat tire, finances, and dating.
The initial separation agreement should cover a period of three to six months. If a person can’t get clarity within six months, it is fairly safe to conclude that the decision is NOT to continue the marriage. Also, this period is so difficult for the person being left that it is simply unfair to ask anyone to endure it any longer.
Work out a plan for growth… this means individual therapy takes place throughout, and the couple meets for marriage therapy periodically, I usually recommend every two to three weeks, to check in on the marriage and discuss frustrations, concerns, as well as hopefulness and stories of growth and understanding.
During a managed separation, I strongly encourage both parties to avoid dating. Dating can dig a marital hole even deeper. If a third party is involved, meaning an affair is going on, all bets are off. The purpose of a managed separation is to sincerely and honestly work to save a marriage. Marriage counseling cannot be successful, and a marriage will not heal, when a third party is involved.
Once negotiated, the agreement is written down and signed by each party.
Although the managed separation can be very successful if followed, it is easier said than done. That is why you need a qualified professional to coach you and help you stay calm through the process. The complete Managed Separation Plan is available below — it contains everything you need to understand how it works.
The Managed Separation Plan — $297
For couples who need space but don’t want to lose the marriage. This is the plan I use with my own clients: the rules, boundaries, timeline, and growth work that make separation a path back to each other instead of a slow walk to divorce. Separating without a plan is how most couples end up divorced. Don’t do it without one.
The Radically Positive Amicable Divorce Plan — $297
For couples who have decided to divorce and refuse to destroy their family in the process. Step-by-step guidance on separation, finances, custody, and co-parenting, with custody calendars and a full roadmap from first conversation to final decree. Keep the lawyers out as long as possible. Keep the kids first, always.
Your spouse just told you they want out, or you just found out something that blew your marriage apart. You need help now, not in three weeks. Book an hour with me, and we will stabilize the situation, calm your nervous system, and make sure you don’t make a mistake you can’t take back.
Becky created the Managed Separation Agreement (MSA) to help people create a decisive separation plan designed to eliminate ongoing damage and destruction and create the possibility of reconciliation moving forward. People purchasing the MSA are asked to abide by the following set of guidelines:
One couple may share and copy one purchased agreement so each has a copy, but they may not share it with others for their use.
Therapists, life coaches, lawyers, relationship consultants, or any professionals must purchase their own agreement for use in their practice and require each couple to purchase their own copy.
The material in the MSA is copyrighted and may not be shared publicly or on websites, emailed, or shared in any way, except with couples who purchase it and share it with themselves, unless they have received written permission from the office of Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.
