Is My Marriage Over? Or Are We Going Through A Very Bad Time?
Introducing the advice column, Ask Becky Landers.
I always wanted to be an advice columnist, and my early life goal was to replace Ann Landersor her twin sister, Dear Abby, and spend my life reading and answering readers’ relationship questions and talking to people about their relationships. I got close a few times. When I did get the chance to write a column about relationships, the editor wouldn’t let me do it in Q&A form, so I ended up writing it first as a relationship-obsessed person and later as a therapist who writes about relationships, but not necessarily as an advice columnist.
A few days ago, a reader sent me a question about her life and asked me to share my thoughts. I just had to fulfill my dream of being an advice columnist, andif you keep sending me questions, you’ll see more of Ask Becky Landers. Here’s her letter, I edited it for clarity …
Hi Becky,
My husband and I will have been married for 23 years next month, have four daughters, and have really been struggling for the last six years or so.
My part of the responsibility for the breakdown is that I have used wine to unwind at the end of the day after work, stress, tension, kids, life, etc. We would go in cycles where he would ask me to stop, I would try, and then I would go back to that pattern.
Part of the stress of home was his mental health issues with our daughters, yelling, and parenting that, at times, was very harsh toward our girls. No matter how much I asked him to change his behavior, he did not.
Now, the past six months have brought on extra stress that seems to be pulling us apart even farther. It culminated with me taking some pills that landed me in the ER. He called this a stunt and crap. I call it my rock bottom. I asked him for six months to work on us. I immediately started therapy and medication for undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
Things were OK … we were working on us, on communication, and on intimacy. Seven weeks into it, I sat down for a check-in to see how he was feeling. He shocked me by saying that he couldn’t give me the six months and that he wants a divorce and is refusing to see any counselor or our pastor.
Now, I have found out that right after my “stunt,” he started seeing someone. They talk for hours every day and will be together this weekend.
Are the cards stacked against us? In your experience, is a husband in a situation like this done with the marriage, or is he using this as a defense mechanism to guard his heart against being let down again?
Any input or advice would be great.
Thank you,
Wondering if it’s the end?
Oh, man. What a mess. First, I am so sorry to hear that you are in a marriage crisis, and I know how terrible that feels.
I have several questions that would help me answer your question, first about drinking wine after work. You don’t explain how much wine you drink, if you have an alcohol abuse problem, or how it affects you. These things are important to know. Some spouses simply don’t like their spouses drinking, and will complain about it, even though the drinking doesn’t affect their partner’s career or relationships at all. If your situation is like that, I’d say your husband has been out of line and would benefit from an Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous CoDA program.
If the drinking has seeped into your ability to function in your career or relationships, then you indeed have a problem, and need to be in a 12-step program yourself, with a sponsor. In any event, it’s each spouse’s responsibility to bring their best self to the marriage. You don’t really talk about any marital crimes, misdemeanors, or felonies on your end, other than the wine and the pill incident that landed you in the hospital.
When you refer to it as your rock bottom,it leaves me wondering if you do indeed have a substance abuse problem and use it to cope with the stress in your life, as you say, but in a way that is self-destructive. If this is true, it is a huge deal that must be proactively addressed now. No marriage issues can really be worked on when the big marital felonies are lurking around — abuse, adultery, and addiction. Each individual would need to get intensive treatment for those issues before addressing the relationship dynamics.
You say you are in therapy, great. You are on medications. I wonder if that’s appropriate at this point, especially since you have a negative history with prescriptions. I am not totally against them; they can be a true Godsend, but I’d much rather see you learn to deal with what’s causing your depression and anxiety first, like dealing with the things you haven’t been dealing with, learning to love yourself, setting boundaries, and living in a volatile household. It’s amazing how so many people don’t need medications when they deal with their life’s issues head-on.
Since you are the spouse who wants to save your marriage, there is a 100 percent chance he won’t come back unless the things that drove him away are dealt with completely and decisively. Not the kind of placating change you have tried, but real paradigm shifts in how you think, feel, and deal with life. I hope therapy will get you there.
Now, let’s talk about Mr. Moody. He sounds like a real prize. No compassion whatsoever for you, and acting like a jackass around the children. His harshness and yelling have traumatized them, no doubt, and I am sure they will take on a lot of his anger and volatility as a result. Four children would send anyone to the limits of what they can handle. I get it, but what I am really wondering is why you want to hang on to the man who has been so awful to you and your children? Is he in therapy? Is he working to be a healthier and better man? If not, then it is what it is.
So now he is high on the love drug that affairs bring. He is foolish and misguided to make any serious decisions while on that drug, and if I could, I would talk him into slowing down and taking his time on a divorce decision. Since I’m not around, do whatever you can to slow him down. Most people will not stop affairs when they are in mid-passion, so I hate myself for telling you that you will probably have to let this play out. If you can stand it, busy yourself on a major self-improvement plan and act like he is on a very long business trip.
The more you beg, plead, or get up in his business right now, the worse things will get. Leave him alone, focus on yourself, and disengage as much as you can. If he ever comes back, it will be the day after you stop caring so much whether he does. At that time, his affair would have fizzled as they almost always do, and you will have the leverage of whether you’ll let him come back or not. The best advice I can give you is not to allow him back willy-nilly, but to make him work for it.
In other words, he needs to work on himself and his abusive ways, too. If he doesn’t, you guys will just go back to your awful ways, and it’ll all fall apart, most likely within a year.
One last thing: usually, by the time a Decider (the one who wants to leave)in a marriage crisis returns after an affair, the Leaning-in Partner (the one who wants to save the marriage)will reject them. Such is the crisis dynamic of the stages of a marriage crisis and deterioration process.
If I were you, I would have someone manage your marriage crisis, because couples handling it on their own often make things worse. Read my book, I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage,which is filled wth great information and will help keep you sane. And visit my website, wwwMarriageCrisisManager.com.
I wish you the best,
Becky
Anyone else want to offer their two cents?
She has appeared in national and international media and numerous podcasts, and has released her memoir, The Congressman’s Wife: A Political Memoir, available for now only on Substack,about her five years married to a powerful man, and how the powerful get away with … everything. She is also the author of I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage, available at bookstores everywhere. If you click her book link, it will take you to Amazon, and if you purchase the book, she may receive a small fee at no extra cost to you.
WORKING WITH ME
I’m Dr. Becky Whetstone, a licensed marriage and family therapist and America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. I’ve spent nearly 30 years with people at the worst moment of their marriage.
I work with clients everywhere by Zoom. If something in this post hit close to home, here’s where to start.
My book: I (Think)I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage — Read the whole framework, in order, at your own pace.
Appointment: 90-Minute Marriage Crisis Consultation — Bring me your situation. You’ll leave knowing what stage your marriage is actually in and what to do next.
Relationship University — Live classes and a private community for people who’d rather understand relationships than keep guessing.
Quiz: What Stage Is Your Marriage In? — A free 10-question quiz.
Note. Becky is an Amazon affiliate and may receive a small percentage if you purchase a book from her links, at no extra cost to you.
