Do Not Martyr Yourself To Stay In An Unhappy Marriage.
How to Discern the Best Decision for You and Your Family.
Helping couples navigate a faltering marriage to determine if it can or should be saved is not for the weary. Sometimes, I can’t believe I chose this as my profession, and ask, “How did I end up here?” However, in the context of my life, it makes perfect sense. I have always been obsessed with relationships, knew my life wasn’t working, and had questions about my family members. This led me to embark on a journey of self-improvement and healing in my late twenties. I have had some great therapists who changed my life, and other awful ones who sent me in the wrong direction, especially marriage therapists when facing an unhappy marriage, then later, a marriage on the brink. The bad, terrible, misguided, ignorant advice I got for my marriage when I went for family therapy didn’t make sense or sit well with me, and it lit a fire in my belly to figure out what the hell happened. Were they poorly trained, misguided, or lazy? Was I arrogant to think they were giving bad advice? What on earth was going on with marriage therapists and me?
I eventually figured out that the ones we visited were either poorly trained, uninformed, or unaware. I have no doubt they meant well, but how you’re trained and the theories you choose to use are crucial when you’re a marriage therapist, and, of course, clients are unaware of these factors. We often choose a marriage therapist randomly or based on criteria such as their hourly fee and whether they accept our insurance.
Today, we can also look at online reviews or ask a few friends to get an idea, but one person’s treasure is another person’s trash. Believe me when I say that for some people, I am an angel sent from heaven, for others, I am the devil. Some people can’t deal with a therapist who won’t focus solely on the things their spouse is doing wrong, or who sees the anguish and torture their spouse is enduring, that there is little hope for change, and suggests that maybe they’d be better off apart.
There are just so many factors that play into whether you like and approve of a therapist, but at the very least, whatever marriage therapist you go to should bring the goods for what you need, or refer you to someone who can. Unless you are in an abusive relationship, facing addiction, or serial adultery, don’t ever say marriage therapy didn’t work, and give up on getting professional help. Acknowledge that either you didn’t do the work that was asked, or find another therapist who is a fit for you.
My experience.
When I went to marriage therapy in 1992, the Internet was not yet widely available, and there was one go-to guy in town: the buttoned-down, very formal, suit-wearing, Freud-like, bearded Dr. McRee. Everyone I knew went to him. He may have been the only game in town back then, but I’m not sure. He is the one who sent my husband and me away when I was in a full-blown marriage crisis and wasn’t motivated to work on the marriage. “Come back if you get motivated,” he said as we left his office. What a lost opportunity. My biggest fear today is that nonsense is still happening because it is still not taught in marriage therapy training, though it absolutely should be. It is my life’s goal to change that.
As some of my readers may be aware, I have developed a method for assisting individuals in marriage crises, drawing on research I found on the subject, as well as my own personal research projects. After graduate school, I worked with couples in crisis for the first time, and I began applying strategies I’d learned from research, tweaking them as needed when something didn’t work as I’d hoped. I had some success, and marriages that otherwise would probably have ended in divorce were saved, while others that needed to end received verification that it was probably for the best. Helping couples sort through all the factors is complicated, and it concerns me greatly when couples attempt to do it without someone who is experienced in this area.
One thing almost all the couples I’ve worked with have told me is that they needed to know they had done everything they could to save their marriage before they felt comfortable ending it, especially when they had children. I understand this — I felt the same way. The work I’m dedicated to is helping marriages that can and should be saved get back on track. I have extensive experience in identifying which ones those are and what factors are involved. I am so passionate about it thatI wrote a book about it, hoping to share the strategies I use with as many people as possible. I honestly can’t think of anything I could have added to the book; it’s all I had hoped it would be.
But interestingly, some people who purport to have read it claim that I lean on people to stay married, to martyr themselves, and put their own needs aside in favor of their family, despite the negative impact of the dysfunctional relationship. I want to understand how others perceive my message and whether they find the information helpful, worthwhile, or lacking in some way. I want to make certain my message is not misunderstood or mischaracterized. Here is a review someone left on Amazon from one who calls themself Shannon, presented exactly as it was written, yes, mistakes and all, except I bolded, showcasing the part I wanted to emphasize:
3.0 out of 5 stars Informative but Read with Discernment
Reviewed in Canada on March 20, 2025
I really appreciated the detailed and thoughtful summary of the various, up — date, evidence-based information pertaining to adult love and relationships — everything from polyvagal theory, attachment disorders, love languages, personality disorders, codependence, etc. I also found the author objective in talking about both the “decider” and the “leaning person” — there is something here for both. Her perspective on “breaks” or “trial seperations” if you will are refreshing, albeit not awlays possible for everyone due to environmental, lifestyle, or financial limitations. I also appreciate her being a big advocate for therapy, both individually and as a couple. However at times, I kept getting this undercurrent of martyrdom throughout the book and some of its suggestions. Sometimes, it is ok to just listen to your internal awareness, call it quits, and not feel guilty. Telling yourself that you need to try absolutely everything (and owe it to your kids at that…extra guilt) is not necessary. Beware of the potential to over-function and over-diagnose yourself and your relationship from this book.
Thanks for the review, Shannon.
I want to be clear that I did not intend, and do not believe, and am adamantly opposed to anyone martyring themselves to stay married. I want martyrdom for the family to stophappening. For example, many Christian counselors use Bible passages to shame their clients into staying in a miserable marriage. I think this is wrong and malpractice.
Since I have worked with couples in deteriorating marriages, I have seen numerous scenarios and how they play out. Part of the value I bring is sharing these insights with people, helping them avoid the pitfalls that are likely to cause guilt and regret later on. Shannon has never heard the thousands of individuals who have said, “I want to make sure I did everything I could to save my marriage before deciding to end it.” My job is to facilitate that wish in the best way I know how.
Most parents considering divorce angst over whether their children will be okay, wondering also if it will ruin their own life, and they tell me time and again they need help from someone who understands the dynamics to consider, and all or most of the ramifications. These are individuals who recognize the potential to experience guilt and regret, as well as the importance of achieving a sense of peace of mind following any significant decision.
When one makes an important decision, such as divorce, moving to another state, or changing careers, which affects numerous parties, without a thorough examination, as Shannon suggests, they are setting themselves up for years of self-criticism and doubt, and possibly, mistakes. The person Shannon describes would have to have a mental disorder that causes them not to have a conscience to affect so many people’s lives, simply by going with their gut, then not feel guilty about it. Shannon, I do not think, has sat in a room with people who are tortured with regrets and what-ifs about past major life choices and decisions.
I meant to paint a realistic picture for families of the cost of a divorce decision, especially for those who have divorce fantasies about how everyone will move on and be happier for it, and that they can all remain close friends with their spouse or their spouse’s family. I do hear about these fantasies regularly and consider them a form of denial in most cases. If you need to end your marriage, then choose to do it; who am I to stop you? At least approach it with a realistic understanding of how challenging it will be.
My book is for people who are uncertain about whether divorce may be the right thing for them. Not considering the children, if you have them, is entirely ridiculous and unrealistic — and any therapist like me, who was trained always to keep the entire family system in mind because big decisions have fallout for all members of a family, would scoff at Shannon’s concept that sometimes going with your gut for yourself is all a person should do.
Shannon critiques me for asking people to do “absolutely everything” they can to ensure they make the right decision if they have children. I’m not sure what this means or who defines “absolutely everything,” but individuals tell me this is what they want to do, and I do think it’s wise to consider things that are likely to happen, whether they stay or go. My book is all about being fully informed and finding peace of mind when deciding whether to divorce or reconcile. I’m committed to helping clients achieve the best possible mental and emotional well-being during and after what is always a challenging and difficult situation.
Divorce is a big deal, and children will want to understand it.
Shannon, anyone who chooses to divorce will have to explain their decision to their children one day. I have talked to thousands of people over the years, witnessed tears and anguish, and I know how it plays out — the hasty divorce decision, a choice that wasn’t thought out, or based on misunderstandings. Now grown children express their pain felt following their parents’ divorce, which happened years before. I don’t want anyone to embrace a martyr complex or victim mentality, spending their life as a people pleaser, suffering in a terrible or misguided marriage. Maintaining your health is a key emphasis in my work, and staying in a toxic relationship is not what I ask. I feel, however, that perhaps you wish leaving a marriage and family were a simple decision that one should make without feeling guilty about it, when in fact it is often proven to be the opposite.
Overdiagnosing self and marriage?
Shannon cautions people that I encourage readers to “over-function and over-diagnose” themselves and their relationship. I have no idea what she means by “over-function.” I present a brief overview of what it means to be healthy in a relationship, as well as the common communication pitfalls that couples often encounter. Yes, I teach couples how to diagnose their marriages so they can determine what works for them as an intervention moving forward. Some couples may think things are terrible when they aren’t, and vice versa. I believe that good, solid information can change everything, and that staying aware of your health and that of your marriage regularly is what healthy adults do. Research indicates that individuals may be in a deteriorating marriage without even realizing it, and I’ve experienced this to be true. I think understanding the stages of a dying marriage and raising awareness of it is a good thing and a move in the right direction.
Divorce is (almost) never assured.
Occasionally, when I am thinking a couple may be experiencing the final breaths of their dying marriage, they surprise me with newfound awareness and find themselves in a better place. Seeing a couple navigate tough times and adopt a different perspective that saves their family tells me that anything can happen when things seem bleak. One person in a couple can turn on a dime and become a hero. That’s why our conversations about their marriage scenario, the things they’ve tried, and what the future may hold — whether married or apart — are so essential.
We can’t predict that one phrase or insight that might change someone and turn them around at the last minute. I always hold onto the hope that a marriage can be saved when there are no major marital issues destroying trust. Adjusting expectations of what marriage is and what it is supposed to be can make a significant difference. So can becoming aware of your part in the mess that has been made. I have seen numerous people in total denial of what they have been doing to injure their marriage suddenly wake up and say, “I see it now, and I am so ashamed.” Their marriages never returned to the dysfunctional state they were in before.
We are all looking for inner peace at the end of the day. My book and career as a therapist are about helping you find your way to inner peace when navigating challenging interpersonal relationships. I want every person to find contentment, and that means something different for each of them. I do understand marriage isn’t for everyone, and we should be able to walk away without feeling guilty. I’ve just learned over time that to have some sense of peace during the post-divorce period, there are better ways to go about it than others. For that, spending time discerning what is the right choice for you and your family is always a good decision.
Becky’s recent podcast appearances:
The D Shift with Mardi Winder-Adams
Becky will start in May 2025, with weekly drop-in support groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays for those in serious marriage trouble or crisis. Join us for information and support; you’ll be glad you did. For more information, visitMarriageCrisisManager.com.
If you want a signed book delivered straight from Becky, visit her website storehere.Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.
She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and is the author of“I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out,”published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster.
She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can also work with you as a life coach — she is a licensed therapist in Texas and Arkansas. She also has aYouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Manager,where she talks about relationships. She has a private telehealth practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom.
Becky is looking for individuals who are thinking about divorce, people who are cheating, and couples in crisis, or people with amazing personal marriage crisis stories to tell, to appear on her video podcast. For information, contact Becky.
WORKING WITH ME
I’m Dr. Becky Whetstone, a licensed marriage and family therapist and America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. I’ve spent nearly 30 years with people at the worst moment of their marriage.
I work with clients everywhere by Zoom. If something in this post hit close to home, here’s where to start.
My book: I (Think)I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage — Read the whole framework, in order, at your own pace.
Appointment: 90-Minute Marriage Crisis Consultation — Bring me your situation. You’ll leave knowing what stage your marriage is actually in and what to do next.
Relationship University — Live classes and a private community for people who’d rather understand relationships than keep guessing.
Quiz: What Stage Is Your Marriage In? — A free 10-question quiz.
Note. Becky is an Amazon affiliate and may receive a small percentage if you purchase a book from her links, at no extra cost to you.
