A Family Therapist’s Advice for the British Royals Drama.
Few would argue that the British royal family is one of many dysfunctional families worldwide. What is a dysfunctional family? Let’s put it this way: a functional family has successful relationships. Family members can accept and interact with one another respectfully, set healthy boundaries with one another, help one another, and be supportive. They wish one another the best and negotiate mutually beneficial compromises. Dysfunctional families are the opposite of that and often form when at least one person or alliance of relatives tries to control, criticize, judge, banish, bestow one-sided expectations, create competition among the group, or injure other family members. They may treat members differently, withhold information, and sometimes punish. In short, dysfunctional families do things to one another that make the others unhappy. You get the idea.
My family is dysfunctional, and yours probably is, too. That’s nothing unusual; it just matters how bad it is, right? In some families, we tolerate other’s bad behaviors, and when it gets really bad, there may be estrangements.
The British royal family has themselves to blame for their family dysfunction due to their own extremely poor decision-making and action-taking with one another. You may hate or worship them — I see a lot of both on social media, or maybe you feel somewhere in between, but whatever it is, I hope you can see how misguided they are regarding their family. There is so much to learn from their terrible example.
As I write this, there is an ongoing controversy about Catherine, the Princess of Wales, who has taken a several months-long leave of absence for abdominal surgery. The lack of information about that has driven royal watchers mad in an era of conspiracy theorist mayhem. Is she dead, in a coma, or maybe she and Prince William are separated? Oh yes, Prince William is having an affair; it goes on and on. A photo is released, and oh my God, it has been Photoshopped. Social media trends center around the royal family and their personal lives 24/7. It’s a royal life media frenzy of conjecture, rumors, and made-up crap.
This happens because the royals are control freaks who demand to be in charge of their narrative. They are unwilling to be more open and transparent, to address the accusations and rumors that gain traction honestly and forthrightly, and to show us that they are humans, too. Stepping into the problem and addressing it is always the best answer, but royals are locked down, and therefore, they are the worst example of how a world-famous family should handle the public and each other I have ever seen.
As a marriage and family therapist, I hope they will seek healthy answers and work to allow change and growth in themselves and the institution. Though they could afford the best family therapy in the world, I feel certain they don’t, or won’t, get it. A scenario that makes sense to me is that the working royals, the ones at the top of the royal rung and most scrutinized, are so used to feeling entitled and catered to that it would be too much for them to humble themselves to a therapist like me and ask for help. All their money, privilege, and castles to hide in won’t save their family or the institution, and my advice to them now is, “Get your family conflicts and issues with the public and the press sorted out or face a massive lack of support for your ridiculousness, and risk possible extinction.
And they are ridiculous. They have a way of doing things that have been passed down for centuries. Old ways die hard when it comes to monarchies, but when they stop working for you, it’s time to grow and evolve, but I am not sure they can do that. The culture has evolved. King Henry VIII didn’t have the paparazzi or the nasty tabloid press to worry about. If someone pissed him off, he chopped off their head. Things are different now, but heads are still chopped off, only euphemistically.
We now live in a society of constant information, and the royal family still behaves like they don’t. Despite numerous wake-up calls, red flag warnings, and everything but a bat hitting them on the head, they have received fair warning that public support is waning for the institution. Good and decent people are sick of the competition between Prince William and Prince Harry, the unbridled racism and ugliness directed at Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, and long to see them get along and support one another. Role modeling a healthy family would then be the best thing they could do for the British people and the world.
Typically, when the warnings from the universe come to us and are ignored, as with the royals, the discomfort will become more pronounced and impossible to ignore. In short, things will get worse, much worse. Refuse to make changes at that point; the next step is self-destruction.
Things have been especially tough for the late Queen Elizabeth II’s offspring recently, and the red flags are waving in their faces. No amount of money can fix it, but as a family therapist, I can. The problem is, I don’t think they’ll take my advice. I have written about this family before and mentioned all the mistakes I see them making as a family, and I see no evidence that anyone is doing anything differently. Now that they are hanging from the cliff of goodwill by their fingernails, I thought I’d try to help again in a “Last call, the train is leaving the station” way. Fix it or go down with the ship, people. Here is the crux of the problem from a family therapist’s point of view:
- The royal persona: It is a reality that people tend to have a persona, which is an image that the public sees and a true self that only those in their most intimate circles see. The royal family is all about controlling their persona to the British public. I was once married to a politician who maintained his public persona diligently. He was beloved in our community, and his public persona was the person I also loved, but his family knew the dark truth: he was a malignant narcissist when not in public. Neglectful, critical, punitive, dismissive, and often cruel. The public would have been shocked to have seen it. Know this: A persona that seems too good to be true, one of goodness, perfection, impeccable manners, and diplomacy, is like skin with no scars; it’s nice on the surface, but it isn’t based on reality. If the family would drop their “Nothing to see here,” attitude and could be more open about their struggles, injuries, and fears, they would be more relatable. More human. They might even gain sympathy. But trying to maintain the false facade of perfection while everyone with an IQ above 100 can see otherwise is as laughable as it is sad and destroys their credibility.
- They lack transparency and only allow you to see what they want you to see. Someone told them long ago that being shut down, private, with an icy exterior is a good idea. As Prince Harry said in his book, Spare, the royal motto is, “Never complain, never explain.” This policy is one of the worst for a family I have ever heard, and it serves them no positive purpose. If they don’t complain and don’t explain, then social media and royal pundits will make up stuff that is probably far worse than what is actually happening. They will talk about it for months and years, growing what was a tiny seed into a giant Sequoia tree to the point of exhaustion. Nip your controversies in the bud, royal family, show us at least a little bit of who you really are, allow us to know and feel your pain, and we will care about you in return.
- Deals with the devil. In Spare, Prince Harry talks extensively about the royal family’s ugly deal with the British tabloids. Since the family competes against one another for who has the most public engagements and who gets the most positive press, it has led to some royals throwing family members under the bus by planting a nasty story about one in exchange for the tabloid killing a nasty story about them. Also, Harry explained, Prince William, Prince Charles, and Queen Camilla aren’t too keen on anyone getting better press than they get. If this isn’t a recipe for destroying a family I don’t know what is. Healthy families support one another and applaud when good fortune comes another family member’s way. The hatefulness and pettiness of the royals toward one another wreaks of narcissism, and I don’t think it’d be too surprising if we found out that this personality disorder exists in spades among the group. They have the perfect family recipe to breed it … entitled, treated better than, never or rarely held accountable, enough money and privilege never to have to worry about losing any of what they have over anything they might say or do. Except for Prince Harry.
- It’s our way or the highway. The royal family thinks in black-and-white terms, as indicated by their inability to compromise with Prince Harry when he wanted to decrease his and Meghan’s roles as working royals. Harry was fighting for his wife’s safety and mental health and seeking solutions that benefitted everyone. His family’s compassionless response was, you’re all the way in as a working royal or all the way out. They treated King Edward this way back in 1936 when he famously abdicated to marry the woman he loved, Wallis Simpson. The man didn’t want to do the job he was born to do and did not choose, and by not sacrificing himself for a duty he didn’t want, he was all but kicked out of the family and sent into exile. I can’t think of anything more unloving, harsh, or cold. You would think that in over 70 years, the royal family might have learned something, reflected on their actions, and loosened their position a little, but they haven’t.
- Nothing left to lose. Everything Harry asked for from his family he did not get. He was born world-famous and had never asked for this life. As famous as he is, and in light of what happened to his mother, Princess Diana, he wanted safety and protection for himself and his young family. His father, stepmother, and brother, who no doubt played a part in the nasty press Meghan was getting at the time, refused any compromise and kicked him out with no financial support or protection. This is yet another example of a shameless, cold-hearted family decision from an entitled group that misses every opportunity to show their humanity by exhibiting compassion, empathy, and understanding.
- If you lose leverage, you lose control. Because Harry has lost everything, the royal family no longer has leverage over him. They should have thought this through. There is literally nothing left they can take from him or hold over his head. When left to his own, he decided to write a book and tell us all how it really is behind the persona. He knew he’d be judged harshly, but he’s judged harshly anyway. When in a position like that, ripping off the persona and revealing unpleasant truths seemed like the only way the institution might ever wake up and change. Although I had hoped that this shakeup of their family system might lead to positive change, it’s probably obvious that they haven’t yet learned that or any lesson.
The British royal family can serve as an example to us all about how not to manage our family business. They have destroyed family members who refused to follow their rigid rules over hundreds of years. In recent years, King Edward, of course, Princess Margaret, who was denied permission to marry the man she loved, and now, Prince Harry and Meghan. What a shameful mess. The only one lately who has escaped the family death penalty is Prince Andrew, accused of bedding underage women. Andrew is no longer assigned royal duties or paid but is not banished from the family. How King Charles concluded that Andrew could be treated by one standard while others could not is highly suspect and makes no sense.
If I were an advisor to the royal family, I would tell them to drop the ridiculous persona that makes them look like robots, not humans. Address issues as they come up honestly, show more transparency about your lives and loosen your rigid rules and all-or-nothing stance. Compromise with your family members when their mental and emotional health hangs in the balance. We can handle it, and you know what? We’re all flawed and mistake-makers. You can still be beloved, warts and all.
Kensington Palace’s Mother’s Day photo, released to show Catherine alive and well, was as doctored up as all their lives. No one knows what is real and what isn’t regarding this family, which is the problem. The public knows they are subject to a false public relations campaign, lied to and misled, and that press releases are as phony as the royals themselves. This family should drop their egos, stop competing with one another, work on supporting one another, and learn how to compromise. A united front would be nice. If you’re having an affair, and you want to stop the years-long rumors and the damage that comes with it, own it, or if you aren’t, tell us the truth about that; we can handle it.
The truth will set you free, and that is the truth. The obsession with rumors and conspiracy theories will persist until the royal family admits they are as flawed as the rest of us and announces they aim to be better, grow, and evolve. They need to extend an olive branch to the public. And, for God’s sake, make up with Prince Harry and bring him back into the fold, then ferociously support and protect him. If you were a healthy family, that’s what you already would have done.
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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
