Why People Make False Promises (And How They Slowly Destroy Relationships)

How Many Lies Can You Be Told Before You Realize the Person is a Liar?

Few things destroy a relationship faster than repeated false promises. Whether it’s “I’ll quit drinking,” “I’ll work on my anger,” or “I’ll do it next weekend,” broken promises slowly erode trust until a spouse no longer believes a word that’s said. As a marriage therapist, I’ve spent years studying why some people repeatedly fail to follow through—and what loved ones can do about it.

The day I stopped believing my former husband wasn’t the day he made and broke another false promise. It was the day I realized none of his promises had ever come true. I remember the actual moment the voice in my head said, “How many times does he have to tell you yes, he will do it, then not do it, until you realize it’s all bluster and delay tactics? Girl, he is never going to follow through on anything he promises. Ever.”

I ran the major requests I’d made over in my mind, one by one, over the course of nine years. He had a zero follow-through score. Yes, I could not come up with a single promise he had made that he had kept, and I had decided to marry him based on many of those promises.

I had poked and prodded, reminded and nagged for years, but in that moment, I realized none of it was ever going to happen. I declared him to be a talker, not a doer, a terminal man of false promises, and that was that. I gave up and never mentioned any of it again, but inside I was as angry as I could be.

After we divorced, I noticed that he promised our children things too, but whatever it was, he either didn’t do it, conveniently forgot about it, or did something so lame instead that I was embarrassed for him.

“Dad said he was going to take me on a shopping spree. We went to Old Navy, stayed 20 minutes, and went home. I only got some socks because he kept saying, ‘Let’s go!’ the whole time we were there.”

What the hell was that? Why do people do that?

To understand why people make false promises, I explored psychology and sociology. What I discovered showed different categories of people who all do the same thing for different reasons. See if you recognize any of these:

Three Types of People Who Make False Promises.

The Sincere Promiser.

The research shows that these people usually intend to follow through on their promises. Then, when the moment comes, their initial fervor to deliver has died down, something else has made it to the top of their list, and boom, they don’t do it. Psychologists call this the intention-behavior gap.

It involves overestimating how closely future behavior will align with intentions. (Peter Gollwitzer). The planning fallacy (Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky) shows we’re surprisingly poor at predicting what we will follow through on. Interestingly, they feel guilty when they realize what they did, or better put, didn’t do.

Jeepers. Reading this, I know I am guilty of this, too. Especially in telling people I want to get together or do something with them, and I do mean it when I say it, but later lose enthusiasm.

The Emotional Escape Artist.

This person isn’t making a promise, and they know it. They just want to end an uncomfortable conversation by any means necessary. My guess is, if they actually responded to the question like they wanted, they’d have to say no, or I don’t want to, and doing either of those things is a fate equal to death.

The spouse asks, “Are you going to fix the sink?”

Instead of saying,

“Um, no, I decided I don’t want to.”

or

“That’s not important to me.”

They say, “Yes, of course, give me two weeks.”

The promise functions like an emotional tranquilizer.

No more discussion; now his wife is off his back. Everyone calms down. Mission accomplished.

Until the wife realizes the sink will never be fixed, and never will be if she leaves the ball in her husband’s court.

My former husband told me he would do things in two weeks so many times that now, whenever I hear someone say they will do something in a couple of weeks, I assume they won’t, and I’m usually right.

The professional “runaround” artist.

Used by con artists for eons, this person never intended to give you what they promised. They use delay tactics until you realize that when they say they’ll do it in a certain time frame, and when the time arrives, they delay yet again, and the day of promise fulfillment will never be today or any day.

People have conned me, and this is exactly what they did.

The technique usually works for a while because the hope and anticipation of receiving what is promised make the person planning to receive it feel wonderful, like taking a pleasant drug.

Sometimes, when the person making false promises sees the person waiting, losing patience, or getting suspicious, they are likely to throw a bone or two to keep the person hoping rather than skeptical.

In marriage, for example, a spouse may promise to quit drinking, or to work on their avoidance or spending, and then cut down on the drinking, amp up on being available, not use their credit card, but it’ll only last briefly. Just long enough to pull their spouse back in and be satisfied for a while.

It’s important to note that those who give people the runaround aren’t always being intentional and manipulative. But it is one or the other: manipulative and intentional, or classic avoidance of conflict, and neither one is good.

Every spouse, friend, or family member eventually gives up.

The day when it all comes together and what is going on becomes clear will arrive, and that is the day they finally accept reality. There will be a shift in that moment, and they will never be gullible to that person again. It really becomes a case of “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me,” though in most cases, we have to get fooled a few times before reality sets in.

If you are married and your spouse has concluded they can’t count on you, they will stop asking for anything, and if they want or need something, they’ll either do it themselves, ask someone else for help, or pay someone to do it.

Once your spouse gives up on you and realizes they don’t need or even want you anymore, your days are likely numbered. If your relationship started as a bank account full of trust and goodwill, each time you didn’t deliver what you promised, you made a withdrawal. In time, the relationship goes bankrupt. There is no trust; there is no want-to. The spouse who is left to figure things out on their own will do just that.

Years after our divorce, I asked my husband if he had heard my pleas for change, if he had heard me warn that I was barely hanging on; he said, “Yes, but I never thought you would leave.”

And there, in a nutshell, it was. He was a talker who didn’t follow through, and when I say I am going to do something, I do it. He narcissistically thought I was like he was, and I am not. Maintaining integrity has been a priority for me for a long time, though no one is perfect at it.

The Psychology of the Avoidant.

We know that partners who come together to course-correct and solve problems along the way are more likely to have happy, long-term relationships. Those who move away, avoid, shut down, and resent engage in behaviors that predict divorce.

This is why therapists are always trying to grab avoidant spouses by the collar to pull them into conversations. I often tell friends I sometimes see myself as a lion tamer, in a big round cage, wrangling avoidant tigers who do not want to climb up on the barrel and engage in important, necessary conversations.

The avoidant person feels great anxiety with too much closeness and vulnerability, and confrontations are especially unnerving. The avoidant’s goal is always to steer away from any sort of discomfort, and they will do whatever it takes to remain in whatever comfort zone they have created for themselves.

They live in a state of emotional self-reliance and the subconscious belief that closeness threatens autonomy. So, in short, avoidants want to remain free, reasonably uncommitted, and uncontrolled, and are human beings who need and want intimate, lasting relationships like everyone else. The problem is how to do it enough, without the old fear of engulfment overtaking them. They want a relationship, but only on terms they can handle.

Here are some of the most common causes of promising and not delivering:

Conflict avoidance. One of the most common things I see with couples is that some individuals are averse to receiving complaints or negative comments directed at them, or to being asked to do something they do not want to do. They simply do not have the ego strength to deal with the human condition of being flawed, mistake-makers, and they take any comments directed at them personally, as if they have failed. When confronted, they will do whatever it takes to wiggle out of it and avoid the conversation, ending it quickly.

I always envision these men and women (usually men) as shy little boys and girls who hide behind their mother’s skirts, and indeed, avoiding is a fearful, child-level behavior. People who are emotionally mature may not love or look forward to difficult conversations, but they will have them because it’s the best thing to do in almost any situation.

For conflict avoiders, the fear is that others will think they are mean or bad if they say no (note the child-level thinking), so rather than do that, they push the situation to the bottom of their priority list without announcing it to anyone. I have news for everyone: it is not mean or bad to say no, or I don’t want to. We all have the right to decide these things. Just be honest, kind, and diplomatic, and your stock will likely remain high. Give us the runaround, and you’re going down.

It’s not me, it’s executive functioning problems. It’s possible. Indeed, some people genuinely struggle with planning, prioritizing, initiating tasks, or estimating time. ADHD is one possibility as a diagnosis for these folks, but so are anxiety, depression, chronic stress, or poor organizational skills. Their promises may be sincere, but their ability to execute is impaired. In a case like this, I would like the person who fails to follow through to undergo a comprehensive checkup, including a visit with a psychiatrist, so we can rule out any physiological causes and get the person treated. To blame it on an executive functioning problem without seeking answers won’t earn you any sympathy.

Any person who is avoidant and recognizes it as a problem they would like to fix must get psychotherapy and learn to face their issues head-on. Initially terrifying for many, it leaves most relieved and able to deal with things directly. They get rewarded with less conflict.

How do I deal with my avoidant partner?

Unfortunately, we cannot control others. Your first goal will be to participate in deactivation strategies and break the cycle of pursuit and retreat.

My marriage to my kids’ dad lost most of whatever steam it had left when my brain finally realized that my handsome, hard-working husband was a man who promised many wonderful things but never delivered. I remember the actual day the voice in my head said, “How many times does he have to tell you yes, he will do it, then not do it, until you realize it’s all bluster and delay tactics? Girl, he is never going to follow through on anything he promises. Ever.”

I ran the major requests I’d made over in my mind, one by one, over the course of nine years. He had a zero follow-through score. Yes, I could not think of a single promise he had ever kept, and I had decided to marry him based on many of those promises.

I had poked and prodded, reminded and nagged for years, but in that moment, I realized none of it was ever going to happen. I gave up and never mentioned any of it again, but inside I was as angry as I could be.

After we divorced, I noticed that he promised our children things too, but whatever it was, he either didn’t do it, conveniently forgot about it, or did something so lame instead that I was embarrassed for him.

“Dad said he was going to take me on a shopping spree. We went to Old Navy, stayed 20 minutes, and went home. I only got some socks because he kept saying, ‘let’s go!’ the whole time we were there.”

What the hell was that? Why do people do that?

The Psychology of the Avoidant.

We know that partners who come together to course-correct and solve problems along the way are more likely to have happy, long-term relationships. Those who move away, avoid, shut down, and resent engage in behaviors that predict divorce.

This is why therapists are always trying to grab avoidant spouses by the collar to pull them into conversations. I often tell friends I sometimes see myself as a lion tamer, in a big round cage, wrangling avoidant tigers who do not want to climb up on the barrel and engage in important, necessary conversations.

The avoidant person feels great anxiety with too much closeness and vulnerability, and confrontations are especially unnerving. The avoidant’s goal is always to steer away from any sort of discomfort, and they will do whatever it takes to remain in whatever comfort zone they have created for themselves.

They live in a state of emotional self-reliance and the subconscious belief that closeness threatens autonomy. So, in short, avoidants want to remain free, reasonably uncommitted, and uncontrolled, and are human beings who need and want intimate, lasting relationships like everyone else. The problem is how to do it enough, without the old fear of engulfment overtaking them. They want a relationship, but only on terms they can handle.

Here are some of the most common causes of promising and not delivering:

Conflict avoidance. One of the most common things I see with couples is that some individuals are averse to receiving complaints or negative comments directed at them, or to being asked to do something they do not want to do. They simply do not have the ego strength to deal with the human condition of being flawed, mistake-makers, and they take any comments directed at them personally, as if they have failed. When confronted, they will do whatever it takes to wiggle out of it and avoid the conversation, ending it quickly.

I always envision these men and women (usually men) as shy little boys and girls who hide behind their mother’s skirts, and indeed, avoiding is a fearful, child-level behavior. People who are emotionally mature may not love or look forward to difficult conversations, but they will have them because it’s the best thing to do in almost any situation.

For conflict avoiders, the fear is that others will think they are mean or bad if they say no (note the child-level thinking), so rather than do that, they push the situation to the bottom of their priority list without announcing it to anyone. I have news for everyone: it is not mean or bad to say no or “I don’t want to.” We all have the right to decide these things. Just be honest, kind, and diplomatic, and your stock will likely remain high. Give us the runaround, and you’re going down.

It’s not me, it’s executive functioning problems. It’s possible. Indeed, some people genuinely struggle with planning, prioritizing, initiating tasks, or estimating time. ADHD is one possibility as a diagnosis for these folks, but so are anxiety, depression, chronic stress, or poor organizational skills. Their promises may be sincere, but their ability to execute is impaired. In a case like this, I would like the person who fails to follow through to have a comprehensive checkup, including a visit with a psychiatrist, so we can rule out any physiological causes and get the person treated. To blame it on an executive functioning problem without seeking answers won’t earn you any sympathy.

Any person who is avoidant and recognizes it as a problem they would like to fix must get psychotherapy and learn to face their issues head-on. Initially terrifying for many, it leaves most relieved and able to deal with things directly. They get rewarded with less conflict.

How do I deal with my avoidant partner?

Unfortunately, we cannot control others. Your first goal will be to participate in deactivation strategies and break the cycle of pursuit and retreat.

You must:

· Stop chasing. Let them leave, shut down, avoid.

· State impact. Focus on the facts and describe the feelings the avoidance causes you, as opposed to offering a laundry list of failures and character flaws.

· Enforce consequences. If promises fail, use your own boundaries to protect and take care of yourself. If they failed to paint the deck, do it yourself or hire someone to do it.

· Reward successes. If your partner follows through, praise them.

· Match their pace. Deal with what is, not with what you aspire to. Lower how much energy you invest in what they’re doing to match the amount of output you receive.

One day, everyone will be like you and me, trustworthy, acting with integrity, and people who can be counted on. OK, maybe not. But we can educate ourselves and learn how to deal with other people’s disabilities in a way they don’t make us miserable. Knowledge is power. Always. You must:

· Stop chasing. Let them leave, shut down, avoid.

· State impact. Focus on the facts and describe the feelings the avoidance causes you, as opposed to offering a laundry list of failures and character flaws.

· Enforce consequences. If promises fail, use your own boundaries to protect and take care of yourself. If they failed to paint the deck, do it yourself or hire someone to do it.

· Reward successes. If your partner follows through, praise them.

· Match their pace. Deal with what is, not with what you aspire to. Lower how much energy you invest in what they’re doing to match the amount of output you receive.

One day, everyone will be like you and me, trustworthy, acting with integrity, and a person people can count on. OK, maybe not. But we can educate ourselves and learn how to deal with other people’s disabilities in a way they don’t make us miserable. Knowledge is power. Always.

If you enjoyed this article, here is another by Becky Whetstone: https://marriagecrisismanager.com/understanding-marital-crimes-and-what-to-do-about-them/

And another …https://marriagecrisismanager.com/marriage-is-a-partnership/

For more articles, videos, resources, and information about working with Dr. Becky, visit MarriageCrisisManager.com.