Those who are strong in crisis win in the end. Are you healthy enough to be strong and resilient when life gives you a hard time or when terrible things happen and you get knocked on your ass? Can you return to calmness after the initial shock, console yourself in despair during personal attacks or emotional injury, and control what you say and do?
Like a moth to a flame, people who pay good money to learn about personal growth and get solid, well-grounded advice about their relationships will often ignore what they’re told and head straight into the fire of self sabotage, come what may. I get to watch this dynamic week and week out as I consult with people whose marriages are either hanging by a thread or in the beginning stages of an amicable divorce, which often will end up not being amicable once their parting spouse finds out what they’re up to. This is why it is sometimes painful to be me.
When They Show a Therapist Who They Are, It’s Over. Oprah tells the story of how she complained about someone to her…
Just Say You Screwed the Marriage Up, Then Work to Change. Marriage therapists hear frequent excuses and justifications for foolish behaviors in…
We could stop people from acting like jerks and treating us with disrespect if we valued ourselves enough to set appropriate boundaries. The way it ought to be is that bad behavior should never have a positive payoff. The only reason people can get away with less-than behavior is that we allow it.
Like beasts of burden, too many tolerate the intolerable and bestow benefits of love, friendship, and relationship on those who treat us terribly and with impunity. People complain in therapy sessions about the different ways people offend them with words and deeds, yet they repeatedly go back to the trough. What does a therapist do with that?
I am an advocate for the end of the nasty divorce. Especially when there are children involved. To me, it is one of the most ridiculous, wasteful, idiotic ways to end an unhappy marriage. It must stop, but I need you to help. In my plan for an amicable divorce, the marriage and family therapist plays the largest role, adversarial lawyers play no role, and collaborative lawyers play a less significant role. I have realized that people can’t or won’t go the amicable route without professional support. They need help and coaching along the way. I see it as cradling them through the process as they adjust to a new life as a single parent and find healthy ways to navigate that and all of the negative emotions they will undoubtedly encounter.
There are things one should never tell their miserably unhappy spouse. For example, if you want to infuriate a person, one of the best ways is to tell them that their concerns or emotions aren’t justified. I have breaking news for the world: feelings are organic and can’t be ordered on Amazon or concocted on demand. I can’t decide to be angry; it just happens. Feelings are how our soul speaks to us. Whatever feeling we have is actually a tap on our shoulder by our soul telling us, “Look at this and see what’s going on.”
Adult Children Set The Rules for How They Live. Adult children often ask me to coach them on how to deal with parents…
It’s easy to screw kids up, and your parents probably did. by Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. If you’re struggling with living a life…
Maybe I’m stating the obvious, but who you choose to spend your life with matters more than just about any decision a person could make. In my fantasies, I am the sole purveyor of marriage licenses, and no one can marry without my approval. Why do I want to control people’s choices? Most individuals who have married, left to their own free will, have done a disastrous job. So, what can we do to change that?
It’d be helpful if people put more than a little thought into it. When a person is 22 and focusing on hot guys, hot women, and those who can party down, the odds of the marital deal working out are slim to none. To me, the most important thing you can do is 1. Allow yourself to get past your 20s and get to know yourself and what matters to you. Who you are at 20 or 25 is not remotely who you will be at 35 or 45. 2. Focus on finding someone solid. This means they are healthy mentally and emotionally, free of addictions, do what they say they will do, are who they say they are, and you can count on them in all the different ways that matter. 3. Be able to tell yourself, “Man, this person enhances my life so much that I’d be a fool to let them go.”
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