The Divorce Stories We Tell Are Based in Fiction.
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The Divorce Stories We Tell Are Based in Fiction.

People will tell their stories however they will; we can do nothing about it. There is no need to defend, beg them not to, or go around trying to correct their verbal messes. Stop trying to create a perfect world where all injustices are solved, and everything is wrapped up in a bow. The only sane approach is to leave it alone, live your own life, and let it pass. Everyone but a Buddhist monk loves the drama of short and nasty divorce stories; it’s human nature, but the good news is that people who hear them will think about it for maybe fifteen seconds and never again. It simply is not the big deal you may think it is when someone speaks about you being a shrew or bastard from hell.

Why You Don’t Like Your Therapist: No one is the same.

Why You Don’t Like Your Therapist: No one is the same.

herapists and counselors have a variety of styles and training, and how we are trained influences us and how we do our jobs. A psychologist, social worker, mental health counselor, pastoral counselor, Christian counselor, and marriage and family therapist all work from different philosophies and schools of thought. They can be as different as night and day. Many people assume I am a psychologist, for example, but I am as far from that as one can get and would not want to be one. I am a marriage and family therapist (MFT). The MFT thinks systemically about the whole family and each member’s influence on everyone else. We are specialists and the only mental health professionals trained to treat children, individuals, couples, and families; a psychologist usually tests people and writes psych evaluations, and if they do clinical psychologist work, they see one person at a time. The psychology training is generally steeped in older, more conservative theories like psychoanalysis, behavioral therapy, and Aaron Beck’s cognitive behavioral therapy.

Why Controlling People Don’t Know They’re Controlling.
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Why Controlling People Don’t Know They’re Controlling.

Expectations of one adult to another are an enormous waste of time, as is wishing the person was different than what they are, but controlling partners are usually full of them. Think about how completely ridiculous it is: I have a variety of rules and guidelines in my head that I expect you to follow, or I’ll be mad at you. Who in the heck do these people think they are?

How Accepting Your Spouse’s Divorce Decision Can Save Your Marriage.
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How Accepting Your Spouse’s Divorce Decision Can Save Your Marriage.

Those who are strong in crisis win in the end. Are you healthy enough to be strong and resilient when life gives you a hard time or when terrible things happen and you get knocked on your ass? Can you return to calmness after the initial shock, console yourself in despair during personal attacks or emotional injury, and control what you say and do?

People Will Self-Sabotage Despite Knowing They Shouldn’t.
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People Will Self-Sabotage Despite Knowing They Shouldn’t.

Like a moth to a flame, people who pay good money to learn about personal growth and get solid, well-grounded advice about their relationships will often ignore what they’re told and head straight into the fire of self sabotage, come what may. I get to watch this dynamic week and week out as I consult with people whose marriages are either hanging by a thread or in the beginning stages of an amicable divorce, which often will end up not being amicable once their parting spouse finds out what they’re up to. This is why it is sometimes painful to be me.

Stop assholes now

Women: It’s Your Fault Men Are Jerks and Assholes.

We could stop people from acting like jerks and treating us with disrespect if we valued ourselves enough to set appropriate boundaries. The way it ought to be is that bad behavior should never have a positive payoff. The only reason people can get away with less-than behavior is that we allow it.

Like beasts of burden, too many tolerate the intolerable and bestow benefits of love, friendship, and relationship on those who treat us terribly and with impunity. People complain in therapy sessions about the different ways people offend them with words and deeds, yet they repeatedly go back to the trough. What does a therapist do with that?

How to End the Insanity of the Nasty Divorce.

How to End the Insanity of the Nasty Divorce.

I am an advocate for the end of the nasty divorce. Especially when there are children involved. To me, it is one of the most ridiculous, wasteful, idiotic ways to end an unhappy marriage. It must stop, but I need you to help. In my plan for an amicable divorce, the marriage and family therapist plays the largest role, adversarial lawyers play no role, and collaborative lawyers play a less significant role. I have realized that people can’t or won’t go the amicable route without professional support. They need help and coaching along the way. I see it as cradling them through the process as they adjust to a new life as a single parent and find healthy ways to navigate that and all of the negative emotions they will undoubtedly encounter.