When Dad Tried to Save a Marriage From Divorce and the Couple Died.

How Qualified Marriage Help Can Be a Matter of Life and Death.

If you are having marriage troubles, the gurus will vie for your marriage crisis dollars. Beware of those who may be unqualified, and believe me, it matters.

Part of life in America today is bending and weaving to avoid scams. I’m not sure about you, but scammers contact me numerous times a day via text, phone, and email, to the point where I can no longer answer my phone.

In addition to scam dodging, many of us also experience the phenomenon of saying things like, “I think I’m unhappy in my marriage,” and the next thing you know, social media is showing you ads about the very thing you were discussing during family time or by yourself in the privacy of your own home. Some of my friends tell me they get ads for things they were merely thinking about. Go figure.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, then, since I am obsessed with relationships and marriage dynamics, that ads continuously appear in my feed that are devoted to saving relationships and marriages, or anything related to divorce. Nine out of 10 of these sources, which sell coaching programs and ebooks, are entirely unqualified in my opinion. I wish I could say whatever floats your boat, to this, but I believe the “I figured out how to do things after my own experience” experts can be dangerous. Not to be a hypocrite, I’m one of those too. I became interested in marriage crises after I went through one in 1992/93. The difference is that I spent five years in graduate school for marriage and family therapy, attended numerous workshops and trainings with world experts, have read an endless number of research-based books on my area of interest, and have reviewed all the research I could find. I take what I do seriously, and I know the future of a family is at stake whenever I meet with couples. The idea that Sue or Dave, who went through a divorce three years ago, learned a few things and can now coach the masses makes me very nervous, but they are out there in droves selling ebooks, coaching programs, consultations, and more.

Marriage crisis is complicated.

Dealing with individuals whose marriages are on the verge of collapse can be a perilous and complicated endeavor. One size does not fit all when dealing with this population. A certain small percentage of the people I see are severely mentally ill, and heaven forbid that a charlatan or unqualified life coach on the Internet be the one to help and advise them. Dismantling an intimate relationship and marriage can provoke abandonment issues and hit people emotionally where it hurts the most.

In 20 years, two spouses I have worked with in marriage crises have committed suicide. Each had admitted to suicidal thoughts, had substance abuse issues, was not taking mood disorder medications that had been prescribed, and was engaged in threatening, frightening behaviors, sometimes waving a gun around their family in a rage. I have training in abuse dynamics, interned at a family violence clinic, and know just what to do about it. I could see a disastrous end coming with these two clients and warned their wives to stay away from them at all costs, lest they become a victim themselves, and luckily, they listened. My point is that if you’re presenting yourself as an authority for people to rely on, you will encounter all kinds, and no one should be handling one of life’s most stressful and provoking experiences if they don’t know what they’re doing. But they do.

Hard Lesson Learned.

As I have written many times, my family members are a complete and total mental and emotional disaster, and back in the day, my dad, an insecure narcissist and sociopath, presided over the mess, conditioning us to be screwed up for life. I was the youngest daughter and consider myself an escapee from the asylum, who went and worked on herself as much as anyone can.

Comically, Bernie (my dad) fancied himself an amateur marriage therapist. However, he had one of the worst marriages in history and a poor record of saving other people’s marriages. In the 1960s, he was a small-town southern lawyer in El Dorado, Arkansas, where people came to him seeking divorces. Back in those days, divorce was harshly judged and seen as especially shameful. No worries, Super Bernie was there to save the day and help any couple get through a difficult time. He often bragged to our family about how he would try to talk couples out of divorcing, and would start trying to fix a couple’s marriage, then and there, whether they wanted it or not. What could go wrong?

One couple he worked with became our friends for a while, never mind the unethical dual relationships my dad engaged in, as friend, attorney, and amateur marriage therapist, and I remember spending the night at their house on Junction Highway, not far from where we lived in El Dorado, Arkansas, with their daughter, who was also my age. Her mom came to tuck us in, and I smelled a smell I had never smelled before. I remember lying there thinking about that smell, as the sound of 18-wheelers passed on the highway out front during the night. Years later, I realized it was the smell of alcohol, the kind that is seeping out of one’s pores. Never mind, I was so innocent. I just enjoyed the evening, the new friend, and the experience of staying in their little house out on Junction Highway. Dad was working to keep their family together, which is always a good thing, right?

Uh no. Some time after I spent the night there, the wife had given up on the toxic relationship and presented her husband with divorce papers. He took a gun and killed her 20 minutes later, then killed himself, in front of their two children. Marital discord is a serious matter; sometimes, the people in these marriages are crazy, and it’s essential to know what you’re doing. I never saw that girl again, but have wondered about her many times.

See the article about it here, as reported in the El Dorado Times, May 17, 1968.

A couple’s murder suicide now on his watch, that didn’t stop Bernie the attorney. In 1992, he was 80, feeble, and hard of hearing, and offered to fly from Arkansas to San Antonio to counsel my husband and me in our marriage crisis. Perish the thought. He was a relational idiot as well as a serial cheater, setting an awful example. However, firmly in his delusion, he still believed he could help others save their marriages, and coming to San Antonio for an emergency intervention was a good idea. However, we thought it was akin to giving a pyromaniac kerosene and a match, and we gave him a hard no.

Thinking about it now. I recall browsing his self-help book library one day, years before, as a teenager, and then grabbing one off the shelf to take a look. In the margins, he wrote, “A woman should wear lingerie and talk dirty to her man.” Reading that caused me to wretch and heave. What a role model. And a train wreck. Whomever you choose to help you with your marriage problems, at least make sure you respect them and are aware of their training and experience. Divorce pulls at every nerve, ignites nervous systems, and brings out the worst in good people.

Motivational Speakers, Spellcasters, and Life Coaches.

Inundated daily with advertisements about life coaches helping save marriages, and even people on Medium trying to slip in responses to my articles with recommendations of spell-casters that will bring lovers back, and knowing the history of how such things can go, I decided I must say something. The last thing I want is for someone to end up divorced prematurely or necessarily, or encouraged to work things out when they shouldn’t be. There are no magic bullets or miracle cures in saving relationships. I certainly don’t save everyone, though people often ask me about my success rate. Note: Whether your marriage can be saved is in you and your spouse’s hands, not mine or anyone else’s.

Relationships are highly complex, and numerous factors are at play. Spellcasters and delusional charismatic motivators who tell you that your spouse doesn’t even have to be around for you to save your marriage are taking advantage of vulnerable and desperate people during one of life’s most difficult events. In addition, rigid Christian dominations do their type of scripture-based therapy, often with zero training in mental health, where couples are shamed to stay together because of what God wants them to do. Don’t get me started. The majority of these people are no better than my dad when it comes to helping couples.

In addition to the ads I was exposed to throughout the day, I conducted a regular Google search using the term “save my marriage,” and a fascinating array of potential help options appeared. Some of them are marriage and family therapists like me, and others are not. I have no issue with motivational speakers and life coaches; they need to make a living. But I do take issue with people who had a life experience, like divorce, or a marriage crisis averted, and months later, they put their shingle out as a person who can help you do the same thing. Marriages have been dying for eons, and now someone has the inside take on what to do about it. The idea that their one-size-fits-all method could turn your marriage around is bonkers. But people in a marriage crisis are in a state of desperation, and desperate people will do desperate things. I’ve read Reddit posts about some of the get your spouse back programs that cost $15,000 and more.

Desperate to work on a marriage, but for only 10 minutes.

One thing I’ve seen over the years is that one spouse who turns out to be mentally unstable and filled with emotional problems will contact me or others for a half-day or all-day session, meant to show their spouse that, at long last, they are taking their request to change and go to a therapist seriously. These are people who have committed numerous marital crimes, who have dragged their long-suffering spouse over the coals, but have refused to get help … until … until … they realize their partner has finally had enough. Several hours with me or anyone can’t change a person like that significantly, and I tell them so. Years of disrespect, disregard, bad decisions, and mental health problems won’t be fixed or healed in one extended conversation. If a person like that were to change, it would require immense determination and years of concerted effort, and I’ve never seen anyone do it. The men who have done this, and yes, it has been men, were trying to take action to show their spouses they were serious about changing. However, they had no plan for what to do after that session. In most cases, they couldn’t afford another session and had no intention of sticking with the process. Therapists can be used in this way, unfortunately, but I wonder how the save-your-marriage gurus handle these one-time wonders, and others who will not stay the course.

Here are a few of the gurus that have crossed my social media feed in one sitting:

• Save my marriage today. If Amy Waterman can save your marriage, I’ll retire tomorrow and hand it all over to her. On her flashy and sensational website, she claims to have saved over 6,000 marriages. Impressive. She says it all started when she helped save her best friend’s marriage. Her book is $49.95, and don’t forget to add $37 per month for emails from her. One person on Reddit said they enjoyed the book, but it was more about things he should have been doing before his wife left him. Oh well.
• Lemonade Life offers a divorce project planner for $37. Alicia Robertson is from Ontario and is a self-described divorce guru whose goal is to lift the shame and stigma of divorce and to start a conversation about one of society’s most taboo subjects. She left a real estate company she owned with her ex-husband and became a trained life coach, with specializations in mindfulness and positive psychology, so she could dive into helping women going through divorce. You can hire her as a divorce coach, although you must first fill out a survey to obtain more information, which I decided not to do. On her website, she explains why you should hire her to coach you in her marriage crisis: “I was able to navigate the divorce process with a positive mindset and an intentional plan that allowed me to divorce well, reconnect to my authentic self, and build an amicable co-parenting partnership with my ex. Saving thousands on legal, countless hours, and undo heartache, resulting in a win-win settlement that has me excited about my future. Using my divorce roadmap, I have helped other women thrive through divorce and create their best lives. I have established a successful coaching business based on these principles, and I have leveraged all the tools and resources to help you divorce well. My goal is to eliminate the negative stigma surrounding divorce. My purpose is to inspire women to reach their full potential so that they can model their best selves for their children. (I’ve previously only shared this information with my private clients, who have paid thousands to learn.) She’s selling a divorce project planner and coaching. Her book, “Make Lemonade: Thrive Through Divorce by Transforming Your Life,” was released in 2022 and is available on Amazon. She has an extensive Terms and Conditions page that clearly states that her content is not intended to be construed as legal, financial, medical, health, or any other professional advice. Additionally, there are no guarantees, and she assumes no liability. At the end, it’s all on you. Sign me up!

• Andrea Giles Coaching. Giles is the mom of 11 children (six are her own), an infidelity expert, and a certified life coach. Her first husband cheated on her, they divorced, and he was killed in a car accident 7 months later. She was a mess for a long time, attended The Life Coach School, which changed her perspective and her life. She remarried a widower with five children, and she coaches people about recovering from infidelity in 30-minute sessions. She also has a post-infidelity growth method and a one-year coaching program. Once again, the terms tell us that her information is for educational purposes only and has the same “this Website is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as legal, financial, tax, medical, health, or any other professional advice,” as Lemonade Life.
• Awesome U and Andre Santos’s Save Your Marriage Alone. You can download a free book. Santos is a life coach, and I’ve read online that his program costs $15,000; however, I couldn’t confirm this. With the huge program fee, there is zero one-on-one time, says one man on Reddit. You can become a relationship Jedi in 90 days under his guidance.
• Meg Tuohey is a self-described marriage transformation expert. She does have a master’s in psychology, one of the few marriage gurus I’ve seen with actual credentials. She offers a masterclass, and I didn’t want to give her my email to find out more about it.
• Livewell Divorce Coaching. Ever heard of the CDC — Certified Divorce Coach organization? Me neither. Julia Nilsen is a CDC-certified professional and a licensed attorney, as well as the founder. The website offers little information, except to tell you she helps coach high-net-worth women through divorce. My advice from start to finish in a divorce is to avoid acrimonious family lawyers whenever possible. There are other ways to end a marriage.

What to do if you want to save your marriage.

There are so many other people and organizations out there vying for your miserable marriage dollars, and no one is more vulnerable than couples on the brink. On taking as close a look as I could at the various programs, classes, and ebooks offered by non-trained therapists, and reading reviews and comments by both happy and unhappy patrons, it seems the one positive thing they may do is do all the positive psychology, motivational goo goo that lifts a person out of a rotten, sacrificing relationship with themself, to realizing that taking care of and valuing themself is the first step to changing everything. If your marriage will be saved or improved, it won’t happen without that.

When my clients ask if they should try some workshop or program as a complement to what we’re doing, I say, “Sure, I don’t care how you get to feeling about yourself, but we’ve got to get you feeling better about yourself, then advocating for yourself.” Who am I to tell you that my strategies or language are better than another’s? All I can say is that I have studied it deeply, worked with thousands of people, and have gained experience, and I know what works and what doesn’t.

Yes, we will work on your self-esteem, but we will also work on your childhood trauma that so profoundly affects us all in so many detrimental ways. Not one coaching program I found mentions one thing about healing deep trauma wounds, and without that, you will get surface and behavioral change, most likely temporary, not lasting change at the root level. To me, that is the difference, and it’s a huge one.

If I were in the shoes of people looking for help for their marriage, the most helpful thing in my view would be to look for a marriage and family therapist trained to help entire family systems — I can’t stress this enough. MFTs think systemically, and when your whole family structure is on the line, you want someone who understands the effects on every person in the system, not just you, and not just your partner.

I would avoid sensationalistic promises, miracle cures, spells, and acrimonious divorce attorneys. No one person has the magic pill to save a marriage, and a marriage consists of two complicated, damaged people. The history and backgrounds of each marriage are very different. As I said, it often includes people with mental disorders, but also cheaters, liars, and other unpleasant dynamics no expert can foresee or control. When we’re in emotional pain, we want it to stop as soon as possible, so we may look for magical cures. The hardest thing, though probably the right thing to do, is to take the long, slow road to deciding what is best for you, and that is what I recommend in most cases. Your nervous system is kicked up, and you are frightened, like a horse in a barn fire. The best approach is to slow down, allow yourself to come to a calm state, and refrain from taking rash actions.

Focus on your health and wellbeing, and let’s see what happens next. Doing it without professional help that is trained in these kinds of dynamics on a deep level scares me for people, but all I can do is tell you what I would do. The best way is therapeutic help, based on realistic outcomes and accurate information. That’s what I know.