Don’t Date Your Ex’s New Spouse’s Ex and Other Good Ideas.
Dating Complications and Knowing What’s Not Okay.
Lord knows I have seen everything, including when one spouse in a couple has an affair, followed by the two betrayed spouses getting in touch, aligning for support, sharing and comparing information, and ending up dating, too. If I am working with one of the betrayed spouses engaged in this sort of terrible decision-making, I beg and plead with them to save themselves hellfire and fury and move on to more peaceful dating pastures. Good luck with that. No one ever does.
The Rules of Peaceful Coexistence.
Some things in life are unspoken rules. I don’t know if people tell us not to do these things or if our common sense does. One of the rules is not to date your best friend’s ex unless you have spoken with them about it and gotten their blessing, or any close friend, for that matter. Others are don’t cut in line, don’t stand too close, don’t talk about your bodily functions, don’t talk about your life miseries and ailments on a first date, let people exit before you enter, don’t touch other people’s things, leave things as you found them, and on and on. We do these things because we are 8 billion people on one planet, and we have to all get along. Considering other people’s feelings and sensibilities before acting is a good and excellent thing and the best way for you to get along in this world, too.
None of this common sense get-along advice affects a certain segment of the population — the go-against-the-grain, walking IDs (Freud’s theory of the personality), who are the ones we all know who walk back into a burning house two or three times against all reason and will do it again if given a chance. The last thing these people want is to miss an opportunity for the immediate high of whatever they’re doing.
Sally and David. The Disaster Movie.
I worked with Sally and her husband, David, who had just lost 30 pounds, began an exercise routine, and claimed he was unhappy in the marriage. With three small children to think about, Sally, a stay-at-home mom, was determined that things would be repaired, and they would go on about their lives. He complained about Sally’s obsession with macrobiotic foods and other “weird things” and told her she wasn’t meeting his needs anymore, but couldn’t pinpoint what that meant. I could see that she was a bit rigid, obsessive, and naive, but that’s not a crime, and he certainly didn’t see that as a red flag when they were dating. Regarding his role as husband, he couldn’t think of how he had fallen short in the marriage.
“He’s never home,” said Sally. “I’ve been trying to support that because he’s building his practice, and I know how important that is to him. But me and the kids seldom see him.”
David said he wanted to separate, had been looking at places, and desired to do it all quietly and on good terms. “I don’t want any drama that might get back to my workplace,” he said.
Sally was stunned and didn’t understand why because he was already coming home at bedtime and leaving before breakfast, but I understood why. I’m likely to smell a cheating rat when I hear a person has lost 30 pounds, begun exercising, is never home, all within 5 minutes of one another, and then boldly demands a separation. I told Sally to snoop while her husband rolled his eyes in disgust. “I can save you a lot of time and tell you right now I am not cheating.”
“This isn’t my first rodeo,” I said. “I think we’d better verify if you are telling the truth.”
Sally soon discovered that David was cheating with his medical assistant. Within a few minutes after confirming my worst fear, the marriage was in a full-blown marriage crisis, and traditional marriage therapy was off the table. David moved out, where he could be free to romp around with his young assistant, and I predicted a disastrous end to their marriage.
David and Sally ended up divorced, of course, and he waited two years to file so that he could have a no-fault divorce in our state, ever worried about what others might think and the negative feelings his business partners and co-workers might have. He was hell-bent on his new good time and did all that discreetly, but the relationship with the assistant didn’t work out, as they rarely do. Instead, he found another woman who was married and going through a divorce, and as soon as their divorces were final, they got engaged, with six children between them. Ahh, how people like to complicate things.
Sally was like any separated spouse, obsessed with what David was doing. During their extremely long separation period, and knowing he was openly dating girlfriend number two, she contacted the woman’s estranged husband. They began to share notes, pain, and disbelief. Not long into her new friendship, she asked to meet with me.
“I already know what you’re going to say, but I wanted to ask you, uh, you know, as I said, I have been hanging out with Mitzi’s ex-husband, who has been such a support to me, and I know I probably shouldn’t date him, but he is kind of growing on me, and I was …”
“Don’t do it!” I said, “Dear God! I beg you not to do this. It will create hell on earth for both families and nothing good. Trust me.”
“I knew you’d say that,” she chuckled like a naughty girl who was already guilty of what she was asking me was okay.
“You are already involved with him, aren’t you?”
“Um …. yes.”
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the right thing. But people will listen to their ID before their Super Ego and responsible voice, come what may because satisfying the ID’s insatiable need for immediate gratification is irresistible. Sally was going to have this new relationship. As usual, she spent most of her time at home with three rambunctious, very loud boys, and the chances of her meeting someone to date were slim. This new person popped up during a common quest, finding out what their ex-spouses were up to, and a good friend turned into a lover, even though both knew it would be disastrous, and it was.
Think about it: If former spouses with children switch partners, their lives will have no privacy. The children will come home and report that they bought a new car, went bankrupt, had a big fight, so-and-so was crying or sleeping on the couch or got a 10-karat diamond, and the news will be shared, and the former spouses will know everything from good to bad. Most of us in second (or more) marriages want our exes to know very little about what we’re up to, which is for the best. When my clients end up dating their ex’s new partner’s ex, it is always a nightmare and will always be a nightmare, but my clients have done this more times than I like to admit.
Interestingly, I received a phone call about a year after David had remarried, and it had long been revealed that their exes were dating. It was from his new wife looking for marriage therapy.
“See?” I thought. “Their marriage is already in trouble.” She must not have told David who she called, and maybe he didn’t know she was looking for a marriage therapist, but it’s a small town where I live, and I frequently hear a lot of things that involve several of my clients, and none of them know I know and work with all of them. I didn’t take the case.
I texted Sally one random evening and asked how she was doing.
“I’m still seeing him, lol,” she wrote back. “It was as bad as you warned, but I don’t give a damn (laughing emoji).” And therein lies the rub.
Small-town love.
In another part of my state, I had a client from a very small town, and before even asking her out, her future beau, someone she knew in high school and who did business with her ex, met with her ex-husband and asked him how he’d feel if he asked his former wife out. He said he had moved on and wished him well if he wanted to do that. When my client called to tell me she would go on a date with a man who had gotten the A-OK from her ex, I was flabbergasted.
“Dear Lord!” I said. “Some people behave like they have a brain and a conscience. Hallelujah, there is hope for the world!”
Lessons to learn.
Ask yourself, do you know the basics of how not to piss people off? I hope so. This involves respecting the space, privacy, feelings, and concerns of others for the benefit of continuing friendship and peaceful coexistence. Can you control yourself when your ID, the part that wants immediate pleasure and gratification, tries to take over your better common sense? I want to say that most people do, but my experience is that most people don’t, and at the end of the day, in the vast majority of cases, people are going to overrule common sense and go for the high of the bad behavior. People who are in a marriage crisis, separated, or going through a divorce or personal crisis are especially vulnerable to this.
I coach my clients to keep their lives uncomplicated. If you are divorced, have kids, and want to date again, you might consider a potential mate with no children. No children mean there will be minimal blending complications. The more kids on each side, the more complications there will be.
I’d also consider someone who has been divorced for a while and not recently as a better bet for being solid. Our culture refers to things as baggage; whatever you call it, the less a person has, the better it is. Another thing to consider is whether they have a crazy ex that must be dealt with. For me, that would be a no-go. I have heard too many stories about the pain and misery exes from hell cause, and I have seen people who love each other part over it.
As adults, the decisions we make for ourselves are a form of self-care. What and who we decide to expose ourselves to is a huge decision. Keep in mind that having peace is always the ultimate goal. As you make life decisions for yourself, make creating peace for yourself a must.
What’s Best For All.
Years ago, a woman I knew was having an affair with a married doctor 30 years older than she was. His wife knew about it and was understandably raising hell, and in response, she said, “You can’t help who you love.”
“That may be true, but you can control yourself when you feel that love,” I said. “You could have not acted on it.”
And that’s where men are separated from boys and women from girls in the decisions we make. Being an adult means controlling yourself and having your best interest at heart, with a mind toward not harming others if possible. If you’re part of a family, you consider yourself and what’s in the higher good for all. Why is this so hard for so many?
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.
She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News, and is the author of “I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out” published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster, and to be released February 4, 2025.
She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She also has a YouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Manager where she talks about relationships. She has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
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