Divorce Trauma is Certain. You Can Make it Less So.
Learn How To Lessen Family Post-Divorce PTSD
Divorce is a traumatic event for almost everyone who goes through it, and part of my purpose on this planet is to make sure people are fully informed and know what they’re doing when they choose it. It pains me how many individuals become miserable in their marriage, then decide to divorce without any professional help. I liken it to falling off a ladder and breaking your leg, then diagnosing and treating it yourself. You can imagine that a person who sets their leg without any medical knowledge might have problems with it in the future, and that’s how it goes for people who manage their marriage crisis, divorce decision, and the often adversarial legal process of divorce.
One of my catchphrases when I market my marriage crisis services is, “Don’t do this alone,” and the reason for this is that for most people, especially those with children, divorce is so traumatic that it can have lifelong ramifications for physical, mental, and emotional health. People who didn’t do all they could to make a solid, well-thought-out decision for their family are often haunted by regrets. Divorce trauma is real, and often life-lasting. Fortunately, we can take steps to mitigate the trauma by being deliberate, mindful, and informed throughout the process.
Divorce is difficult for almost everyone, even for the person who wanted out, but some partings are more traumatizing than others. Doesn’t it make sense, for example, that an acrimonious or nonsensical end of a marriage would cause more emotional distress to family members than one that everyone could see coming, or one that ended maturely and amicably, without an emotional bloodfest?
My niece, also a therapist, wrote a book that spoke about how she thought her parents’ marriage was ideal until they announced their divorce, and a huge part of her trauma was the idea that she had lived in the same house with them for 18 years and never saw it coming. “My mom was sitting in my dad’s lap in the kitchen, hugging him a few days before they told me,” she said. “That image still messes with my mind, and the idea that I thought they had the kind of marriage we all want to have. What the hell?”
This is why I coach deciders, the ones thinking of leaving, that ideally, a divorce must be earned, meaning, you have to have been warning your spouse explicitly of your extreme struggle to be happy in the marriage, not only through hints and passive aggressive behaviors, but with statements like, “I am really struggling in our marriage and we need to do something about it,” and give them a sincere chance to make it right. To leave someone without the words, and without the opportunity to repair, won’t make sense to anyone, your spouse likely won’t forgive you for it, and almost certainly, your children won’t either.
These are the types of situations that create post-traumatic stress disorder responses in every member of the family for the foreseeable future, and maybe forever. How could your former spouse or children ever trust that anyone or anything is real after a sudden bailout from the family like that? Due diligence is an essential part of the unhappy marriage dynamic, and it looks like this: 1. If you recognize you’re seriously struggling, say something and get professional help. 2. Do it as early in your realization process as possible. 3. Be sincere in wanting to work it out if possible.
Steve did it wrong.
Steve is divorcing his wife, Abigail, after 27 years of marriage and two grown boys. He is breaking all the rules I just mentioned, and paying a high price for it. His story is an example to us all …
I had been seeing Abigail for months on her own after Steve abruptly moved out of their house and refused to talk, saying only he was so codependent on her he had to get away. His explanation and extreme position of staying away didn’t make sense to me, unless he was having an affair, and I told her so..
“No way,” said Abigail. “He would never do that. I’m positive.”
We continued to work on Abigail’s part in the marital mess, and she fully admitted to her mistakes. She was determined to heal, grow, and improve, and to show Steve that she could be counted on in the future.
“We’ve had so many ups and downs, but Steve has always been my rock, true blue, and I never got any hint that he wasn’t all-in. The way he is acting is so crazy.”
Now, people, when we think someone is acting crazy, it’s possible we have never seen them through clear vision. Remember that.
Abigail idealized Steve as a strong, devoted family man of integrity. I worked to help her see him as the flawed human being we all are, but she resisted. After many months of her trying to get him to talk to her, he announced he wanted a divorce, and she stopped seeing me.
As often happens, I got to see the end of the story about a year later when Abigail called and said that, even though they were divorcing and she had accepted it, she had asked Steve to finally speak with her about what had happened so she could have closure. I was amazed that he was willing.
The first thing she told me in our meeting was that Steve had been having an affair. Just as I had expected, it explained why he didn’t want to work on the relationship and had refused to talk to his wife when he first left. This is the telltale behavior of a married person who has fallen under a love spell with someone else. The part I didn’t understand is why Steve had not given Abigail the warnings of his unhappiness before his affair, when he still had the motivation to work on the marriage.
“I warned her every way I could,” he said.
“Did you tell her?”
“No, I showed her,” he said.
“Did you say the words, ‘I am seriously struggling in our marriage and am thinking of leaving?”
“No, but she should have known.”
“No, Steve, People aren’t mind readers. We have to tell them things explicitly or they won’t get it.”
After a little more digging, Steve admitted that he had expected her to deduce that he was unhappy and thinking of leaving because of his actions and body language.”
“That’s not how it works, Steve. You have to be clear and explicit. You have to speak out, using your words, to explain yourself. This was a total missed opportunity.”
When I asked Steve why he was agreeing to have these difficult conversations, he said that he wanted to have an amicable divorce.
“I don’t think I’m up for that,” piped in Abigail. “Not with the affair that is still continuing and how you handled it.”
“You’re not likely to have that, not only because of the affair, which your children will perceive as not only cheating on their mother, but cheating on them,” I added. “Do you think they will ever accept that woman who played a part in breaking up their parents’ marriage? In addition, you didn’t give their mother a fair warning, and you turned your back on the marriage, unwilling to talk, leaving her in limbo for almost a year. She had to find out about the affair on her own; that’s about as bad as it gets.”
“You never would have told me, Steve,” said Abigail.
I explained to Steve that the handling of his exit was a worst-case scenario, and that he was likely to end up ostracized and harshly judged by the three people he has loved the most.
“I hope this woman, who has little children, will be worth the heavy price you’re about to pay.”
“So the only right answer is to go back and work on my marriage,” he said. “I’m not going to.”
“I just think you’d have a better outcome if that thing with the other woman ended up being a short-term relationship, and if you end up with someone one day, it’s not the woman who played a part in ending your marriage. No one ever takes this advice, though, because new love is like a drug. It’s just my job to tell you what might make your family life easier and healthier for everyone moving forward.”
Part of Abigail’s journey was to see her husband as the flawed and dysfunctional person he is, rather than idealizing him as incapable of less-than-perfect behaviors. She sees that now. The flawed man who handled things so terribly will be easier to let go of than the fantasy version that’s been living in her head.
The way a person deals with serious marriage issues and the way they leave has everything to do with how traumatizing the event will be for the entire family system. This is why I created a midway space between being married or divorced, for people like Steve and Abigail to do their due diligence and ensure they have done all they can to work through their issues before deciding to exit. The purpose is to make wise decisions, have few or no regrets, and minimize the trauma to the family. Marriage crisis is a challenging time, and the family’s well-being depends on how it is handled.
Maurice is having divorce fantasies.
Maurice is Mr. Happy Talk and resists negative concepts and ideas like the plague. To him, everything will be fine, great, and there’s nothing to worry about. He won’t entertain real-life conversations about real-life things. He doesn’t see this as a wall, but I do. When his wife brings him in for a marriage crisis meeting, he is ready to sell me on the idea that he and Vivian can create a new and different restructured marriage after 30 years together. They’ll both be happier, and their kids will be okay, and glad for their parents’ new lives.
“Man, you need to write fantasy novels,” I tell Maurice.
“Funny,” he says, “But I believe if we choose to handle this with love and acceptance, then it will be great for all of us.”
“Well, your wife tells me you are having a mid-life crisis, have been running around with several women, bought a Porsche, and moved 1500 miles away to Palm Springs. I will be very interested to see how you plan to turn this into a family Disney movie with a happy ending.”
“It can be done!” he says. “And I don’t want a divorce, you see, so that’s good. I still want my wife. I can’t live without our passion; I’m not willing to. I need her in my life, whether it’s talking on the phone, texting, or when I’m in town, I need her attention and love like I need air. She needs to accept that I’ll be coming and going. Anyway, I read where you’re for creative options for couples sometimes that land somewhere between marriage and divorce.”
Vivian rolls her eyes. “See, Becky? I told you he wants me to say yes, and everyone will live happily ever after, but I won’t do it. It’s making me crazy.”
“Oh, Maurice,” I say. “Other options can work if both people are up for it, but Vivian tells me she can’t stand the girls, you can’t have her and the women, and your children are embarrassed and gagging at the way you’ve been acting. You’ve abandoned your family. This doesn’t sound like a good compromise, and it doesn’t sound like it’s in the best interest of anyone but you.”
Vivian’s only option is to cut Maurice off from having his cake and eating it, too, in my mind. For her to be healthy, she needs him to make a choice, and he won’t, unless he can’t have access to her. Up until now, she has not said no to him, and it’s time.
We can’t create change in a family without someone becoming very uncomfortable, unfortunately. Maurice is in total denial and won’t see himself as the instigator of the traumatic stress symptoms his family members are already exhibiting via the life-altering event he has thrust on them. He is a 60-year-old Peter Pan living in a fantasy land where all is well, and a weird and untenable compromise plan is the perfect solution.
Suppose he never gets real and continues trying to force Vivian to let him have his way while having a part-time marriage with her, also while refusing to believe he is harming and humiliating her. In that case, I predict a sad ending for him, with the rest of his family going through initial difficulties, including trauma, then resignation, and eventually acceptance.
How many times have we heard adults talk about a crazy parent who had a mid-life crisis and ran off with someone and went off to relive their teenage years? How do you think these people fare in the long run? I could write that script in my head right now, and I’m sure you could, too. I sincerely hope Maurice wakes up and floats back down to the ground before it’s too late.
People with children who fantasize that divorce can be a minor inconvenience with a positive outcome, or some weird one-sided open marriage situation will solve everything, are kidding themselves. It is my job in marriage crisis management counseling to inform people about how things are likely to unfold. I have enough experience to have seen almost everything, and I know what the research says. I can’t tell you how many times clients have followed up with me to say that things played out exactly as I told them they would. All I’m saying is, I’d listen to me if I were you.
Divorce fantasies are just that. There will be trauma if that’s the path you choose, and that’s the way it is. Yes, some couples need to divorce, and whether you need to part or might have worked it out, divorce still messes with our brains. Accept it’s going to be a hard time, for a long time, maybe even for a lifetime, whatever you do. I am sorry I don’t have better news. Life and divorce are hard, and there is no way around it. As I said, you can take steps to make things smoother, better, and easier to accept, but it will still be challenging.
The things that screw us up in divorce.
Divorce is painful because it’s more than just a breakup — it’s a dismantling of a shared life. It’s grief, identity crisis, loss of a perceived future, and a life disruption all at once. But with time, support, and healing, many people find that they grow stronger and even thrive in ways they never imagined — most of us have the power to orchestrate a positive outcome. I urge everyone I work with to emerge from it with new possibilities.
But divorce proceedings and processes inflict traumatic experiences, they force change, and change is stressful to human beings, even if it is positive. For example, you may have loved falling in love, but falling in love is stressful to human beings, and it also brings change. I always urge couples to enter the parting process slowly and one step at a time, because too many negative changes and stressors in a short period will most certainly cause psychological distress that will lead to other undesirable things like depression, anxiety, physical symptoms, health issues, and symptoms of ptsd. Here’s an incomplete list of changes and stressors that people will likely experience if they choose to divorce:
- Moving to a new location.
- Loss of partnership, rejection.
- Dismantling emotional attachment.
- Financial and material changes.
- Loss of friends.
- Loss of in-laws.
- Difference in managing children.
- Difference in responsibilities.
- Engaging in legal proceedings and the legal process.
- Emotional turmoil and acrimony.
- Identity change. i.e., Couple to being single.
- Unknown future.
- Disruption of routine and daily life.
- Change in family holiday rituals and celebrations.
- The shock of being treated differently by your spouse.
- Children’s adjustments and struggles.
- Potentially dealing with an affair.
- Public scrutiny and judgment.
- Likely emotional and mental health challenges.
- Loss of safety and perspective.
- Fear of entering the workforce.
- Doubt and second-guessing.
Change is the thing.
People who go through the fewest changes during divorce are likely to have the best outcome. For example, wealthy, well-connected individuals may have a better outcome because their financial situation may not change significantly, their lifestyle will remain relatively stable, and they will continue to have numerous social connections.
In my 1992 marriage crisis, I experienced going from being married to a surgeon with a super-high income to destitute overnight. Texas family divorce laws support primary breadwinners wholeheartedly and don’t prioritize the well-being of stay-at-home or non-self-supporting parents in their archaic laws. The first month I was divorced, I couldn’t afford my house payment and had to sell quickly.
My ex cut me out of his mind and heart overnight once our divorce was final, and refused ever to help me pay for what our children needed beyond the tiny amount of child support he was required to pay. His lack of concern for their mother hurt and angered my children, and it still affects the one who is still alive at age 35. And here’s the thing, I never dreamed he would treat me that way. Although I would have been well-supported if we had lived in another state, I accepted my fate in Texas, and my life changed drastically; his did not. I was an adult and could deal with it.
I sold my house, got one I could afford, got a job at the newspaper after not working for years, got on my feet, went to school, and the rest is history. But seeing me have to go down a few notches, sell things we loved, trudge through, and build myself up while their dad endured few challenges and differences in his life, hurt my children. That’s the story I want to tell. Children need to see both of their parents fare well, and similarly. I never knew that until I lived it.
My son got depressed and struggled through his teen years, drinking, doing drugs, and getting into trouble. After he was in his 20s and joined the Marines, and seemed to be getting his life together, I asked him why he had had such struggles during his teens. The first thing he said was that he was angry about how we had to live after the divorce, and that he wanted to help me, and was just a boy and couldn’t, and he was angry at the world, himself, and his dad. Man, that one hit hard. Of course, he was killed in action in Afghanistan in 2011, and died a hero. I had asked for his forgiveness, thank goodness, and he quickly gave it to me. However, we can never know how things will play out when we leave a marriage; you have to live it and see what happens.
Knowing how it affected him increased my desire to speak to struggling couples today, to address the things they haven’t considered, and to ensure they do right by one another. I haven’t met many considering divorce who aren’t highly concerned about how it will affect their children, and all I can tell you is that it will; they will experience the trauma of divorce. You can make certain parts of it better or easier, and I hope you dedicate yourselves to that.
The one thing every person knows is that there are too many nasty, high-conflict divorce situations in our culture, and we need to lean on one another to prevent that. I wouldn’t mind if it became socially unacceptable, for example. If you want the absolute worst outcome for an entire family system, complete with PTSD symptoms and lifelong negative effects, go scorched earth on your former partner in the divorce process. Unless your partner is a malignant narcissist or psycho who would be incapable of a negotiated, reasonable, and amicable process, you must do right by your children and take the high road of being reasonable, even generous, and practice the Golden Rule, or shame on all of us for being so stupid and self-centered.
What it takes to traumatize a person.
Divorce is a traumatizing experience, and there’s no way around it. A good number of people think that it takes something huge to traumatize a human, when the opposite is true.
In childhood, the rule of thumb is “anything that happened as a child that was less than nurturing,” according to Pia Mellody. For adults, the criteria isn’t that much different. A walk through TJ Maxx informs me that numerous women are describing being traumatized by something or someone on every aisle. They loudly discuss their dramas and indignations on their cell phones so everyone can hear. “Well, I couldn’t believe she said that!” “What do you think I should do?” “I have never been treated that way, ever!” “The nerve!” All of those scenarios are noise pollution for me, but traumatizing experiences for them, albeit only minor and most likely not life-changing.
The way we know that something is trauma-related is that a person’s nervous system becomes activated in response to what happened, and they enter the fight, flight, freeze, or fix/fawn response. If that happens, they were either traumatized by what happened, or an old trauma wound or nerve was reactivated, and it’s off to the races, and in that space, people mistreat one another. Divorce trauma is much worse than what I hear on the phones in the department store.
Divorce PTSD is real and unavoidable, but as I said, you can make it less traumatizing by controlling yourself and making sure you do the right, good thing. You can recover, you can rebound and have a better life, but you have to make it so.
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.
She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News, and is the author of “I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out” published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster, and to be released February 4, 2025.
She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She also has a YouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Manager where she talks about relationships. She has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
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