I Used to Be Man Crazy and Now I Am Not.

How Women Sell Themselves Out By Being Man Chasers.

Women used to need a man in order to survive. The ones who chase men today are throwing away their power.

Ah, the days when I used to be obsessed with chasing men, and the things I used to do. Refusing to eat or eating only rice or pineapple for weeks at a time, ironing and wrapping my hair to make it straight, buying perfumes and expensive hair-removing creams that scorched my face, wearing lacy bras and panties that felt like sand paper against my skin, laying in a tanning booth and roasting myself like a turkey, attending an all-day Bruce Lee movie marathon, and pretending to be someone I wasn’t, all to get a prospective dude or future husband to like me.

Looking back, it’s embarrassing how outrageous I was, all to land a man, but I do understand how it happened. I was conditioned that way from early childhood. Not just to attract a specific type of man, but to attract people into my life that my parents and family thought would get me out of our middle-class, ordinary, hell-hole life in southern Arkansas.

It was never impressed on me that I could have done any of this myself — the entire ticket to paradise was always on someone else’s coattails. I followed directions well — once I fell in love the first time, at 16, and felt that unbelievable high of erotic longing and human touch, I was hellbent on finding romantic relationships that…

About 60 percent of men who were in my gunsight wanted zero to do with me, of those left, I had to choose between men who were several wrungs down from me when it came to education, family background, and attractiveness, or settle for the best thing I could find, which was never the person I really wanted and desired. If I could have had the pick of the litter of men, being simply who I was, it would have saved me years of ridiculous behaviors and choices. I had Brad Pitt in mind, but it was Adam Sandler who would have me. The more effort I put into my physical appearance, the closer I got to Brad, though, which unfortunately led to my continuing the self-torture for many decades.

The end of madness.

Somehow, one day, I reached a moment when none of that mattered anymore. I don’t know if men wore me out, I grew up, or I came to see that I was enough on my own. I was in my 40s, after a devastating divorce that knocked me to the depths of anguish and despair, and woke me from my man-chasing spell, and I came to the conclusion that I was going to stay away from men for the foreseeable future. I declared that if I ever did have a man again, I was never going to do contortions to please him. If I were in a committed relationship, I would tolerate absolutely no bullshit. I would do what I wanted, and he would have to take me as I am.

Not that I wouldn’t be kind, loving, and never make any sacrifices or accommodations to fit into another person’s world, but I wouldn’t do things that were in opposition to who I was anymore. I had been with plenty of critics, nitpickers, rejecters, controllers, and emotional avoidants. I had mastered navigating the toxic relationships that brought out the worst in me—no more lessons were needed in that subject. Book closed.

New Beginning.

Where I am now is a very healthy stance for a woman, any woman, but based on what I see out there, too many women are still doing what I used to do, and I want to be an evangelist who leads them to the land of healthy mate selection, intolerance of control and criticism, and to a place where men work their asses off for our love in the dating world, and not the other way around.

My husband has taught me many things during our 15 years together, just by unabashedly being who he is. He has never pursued a woman in his life, yet he has always had top-wrung, attractive women as his longtime girlfriend or mate, beginning at age 17. Please don’t ask me how I was able to get his attention, but I did, and yes, I had to do all the work initially to make it happen. He is male fly paper, women are the flies, and that’s just how it is.

I tease him that if I die, an all-points bulletin will go out and women will be parachuting into our front yard within 10 minutes of my last breath. All he’ll have to do to find my replacement is sit on the porch and point to the one he wants or order competitions for ladies to win his heart. This is precisely what I want for women. To stop chasing men, be themselves, be patient, and allow men to come and fight for the right to earn their time, attention, and affection. Today, I want to explain why many of us end up selling ourselves out, and what would happen if we didn’t. There are also some secrets about men that I’ve learned from talking to them, which will be revealed today and could change everything.

Why are women socially conditioned to be submissive, powerless, and needy toward men?

​A long time ago, before the advent of air conditioning, indoor toilets, social media, and cell phones, there were no grocery stores. Men provided shelter and hunted for food, while women stayed near the home and took care of the babies. Women competed for the best shelter and food providers, and became submissive to survive. Imagine a woman back then having an attitude and asking for more from her man. “I want more food, damnit it! You don’t bring home the best meat, our home isn’t good enough, I want more from you,” she might say.

Back then, there was no commitment as we know it today. Dare to anger a food and shelter provider, and you risk being kicked out, replaced, and having your survival jeopardized. Remember, as my philosopher mother, born in 1919, always said, “If you don’t do what a man wants, he will find someone who will.” That about sums up the original situation women found themselves in hundreds and thousands of years ago.

Later, when men began to own property, women became property, too. Again, women were to be faithful, subservient, bear children, and prepare food. They were thought to be less-than creatures as far back as Aristotle and Confucius, who both emphasized the importance of female obedience, a continuing theme over thousands of years. How convenient of the dudes to set this up for themselves.

We women were to stay sexually chaste, pure, and clean, and faithful to only one man — don’t forget the influence of Eve in the Bible, who showed all men that women could not be trusted, and were morally and intellectually inferior. Therefore, we had to be controlled and kept away from temptation and from pursuing our sexual desire.

At this point in civilization, women had no choice but to tether themselves to their family or a husband, or be unable to have basic needs met. Wealth was transferred from father to son, and daughters’ inheritances were passed over, leaving them no choice but to find a man to survive. Women’s value was seen through the eyes of sexual honor, and their purpose was to find love, marriage, and motherhood.

In the 18th and 19th centuries, literary themes began showing women as in need of being rescued or saved by the male hero. A theme that continued in Disney movies throughout my childhood, and is found in drugstore romance novels today.

By the late 1800s and early 1900s, farming and owning property were not the only ways to survive. Opportunities began to present themselves, and women, finding doors of possibility closed, began to fight for a seat at the table, equal to men. Many men believe that as women gained rights, power, and autonomy, the fabric of the American family began to tear.

Nonetheless, after thousands of years of conditioning to be second-class citizens who must be controlled, a handful of women sought leadership, education, and independence to attain control over their own lives and choices. While some did that, a majority relied on men to support them and provide a life they could not create for themselves until the 1970s and 1980s.

Women’s Independence.

Although a considerable number of American women now have total independence and can take care of themselves in every way, far too many have low self-esteem, don’t believe in themselves, have zero confidence, fail to grow up and mature emotionally, and remain dependent on other adults.

This is the recipe for the man-crazy, does-he-like-me-does-he-like-me, male obsession and neediness we see in immature, non-fully developed women today. Numerous female clients have put all of their eggs in the man basket and find themselves in an abusive relationship or married to a neglectful asshole. The real problem is that they don’t set themselves up to be able to survive no matter what happens in their lives, and the worst thing is that they feel trapped, and bad boy men who are awful to women seek out situations like this, where they have absolute control over their partner or spouse.

If these women ever do leave their husbands, it saddens me that many of them seek out another man, one who is a nice guy, whom they can run to and be supported once again, rather than do the work to become independent and self-supporting. I would do anything to help these women feel better about themselves, learn how to have mutually healthy, interdependent relationships, and understand the power we yield as females, the one thing heterosexual men cannot live without.

Feminine Power.

​Now for the good part. I have had thousands of male friends, clients, and family over the years who have spilled the beans about how men think and feel, especially when it comes to women, and there are themes.

1. Women are shockingly quick to have sex. Men cannot believe how quickly most women will sleep with them. It blows their mind. They struggle to understand why this is. “Don’t they value themselves?” they ask. “Is sex meaningless to them?” “Do they do this with every guy they meet?” “Am I that irresistible?” “What’s up with that?”

I agree with them that it defies common sense. Yes, women may have raging hormones, not looking for a soul mate, but instead may want or need a quick roll in the hay or engage in casual sex, and I am the first to say that a woman’s sexual freedom is hers to use as she chooses. Women desire sex just like men do, and we should feel no shame about that whatsoever. Words like promiscuous and slut need to be removed from the English language forevermore as judgmental pejorative terms that have never had a male equivalent, as we all know, it’s always been entirely accepted that a single man’s reputation won’t be sullied due to wild and crazy sexcapades.

At the same time, I do think there is a problem when we treat sex as nothing, like eating a sandwich. Some women tell me it is like a recreational activity for them, like playing mahjong or tennis, and say it doesn’t mean that much to them emotionally. Others fear emotional entanglement and want to keep it casual. But for what it’s worth, we shock men with the casual air in which we approach it.

Analysis: Let’s go back to my husband, the man who lands women with absolutely zero effort on his part. The problem with this, I tell him, is that he has never had to work for his love. Love has arrived and been bestowed on him, and that is what he is used to. He has never had to figure out what to do to attract a woman, and to keep her interested and stoked. Now, if the woman stops her one-sided pursuit of his love and attention, guess what happens? Nothing. She may ask, “Hey, aren’t you going to come after me and pursue my love?” He would probably answer, “Uh, I would, but I don’t know how.” Our brain wiring tends to disconnect certain parts when we don’t use them. When you don’t have to work for love, you turn that action off, and when not used, it will become challenging to relearn it. This is how one-sided relationships play out. The woman runs out of romantic gas, and her spouse doesn’t do anything about it, leading to a disconnect if someone doesn’t intervene. Lucky for him that I have plenty of love fuel to keep us afloat, and I don’t mind.

My situation of pursuing my husband was a one-off, but it worked out well for me. In most cases, women should be in their power, know their worth, and make a man earn their love. If given quickly and freely, many men get it into their heads that “Hey, I don’t have to work for this. I can get my favorite thing by doing nothing.” Therefore, they do nothing. If love is a verb, an action word, and I believe it is, we must see the loving actions from both partners. Women who rush in and give their all teach men that no loving effort on their end is needed. Think about it.

2. Women don’t realize the power they have over men. Men tell me that no one can make them feel the way a woman can, and that just spending time in the zone and energy field of a woman they are attracted to or in a relationship with feels like nothing else. Why else would so many belching, farting, and crude-minded dudes, who might have a better time spending their lives in a dormitory with their smelly male buddies, drop everything, clean themselves up, and come pair up with a woman? Because nothing makes them feel like we do. Ask them, and they will tell you it is true.

Yet women who don’t value themselves often approach men from a position of trying to sell themselves to a man, when men should be selling themselves to us. We have what they want and need, and no one else does. They will do anything to be near us, but instead, most of us give ourselves away like a piece of bubble gum. I coach my single female clients to imagine themselves sitting on a throne, they are the most wanted woman in the world, and a long line of men in pursuit approach them and one by one answer the question, “What can you give me that I want? That would make my life better?” Instead of the other way around. Healthy relationships can only occur when we feel good about ourselves and our value. When we accept what’s there and settle for less than we deserve, we also set ourselves up for suffering.

One more thing.

In 1995, the book, The Rules, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, attempted to take women back 100 years by teaching them how to attract a man for marriage by manipulating them and acting one way while honestly thinking and feeling another way. I remember when it came out, and the two authors were the toast of the town, bragging about how they landed their wonderful husbands through intentional manipulation. Incidentally, one of them got divorced soon after the book was released, oh well. Here is a short rundown of what the rules taught women to do:

• Be aloof and hard to get. Don’t initiate contact with men. Rarely return calls immediately and don’t accept last-minute dates.
• Maintain an aura of mystery. Don’t reveal too much about your life too soon.
• Encourage male pursuit. Let him lead and pursue you aggressively. Focus on your busy, happy life.
• Don’t rush physical intimacy—practice restraint, even in kissing and other forms of physical intimacy.

Feminist critics chewed that book up like a lab with a leather shoe, and I hated it, too, at the time. Today I see some wisdom in a few of the concepts, but never if it means not being yourself. I agree that women are safer emotionally when revealing themselves bit by bit, let men be men and pay for meals most of the time, because we need their masculine energy to feel sexual chemistry, yes, be happy alone with or without a man, and allow a man to earn your love. Since the viral popularity of that book, Fein and Schneider haven’t given up. They came out with The New Rules in 2008, adding advice on how to attract men into your spider’s web in the digital age.

Yes, women, be yourselves at all costs. Value who you are and what you are. No man is worth chasing; don’t try to force it. When it is meant to be, it will be. A relationship that is healthy for you means you won’t have to wrestle a man to the ground like Sadie Hawkins and force it. Hawkins is a fictional character from the Li’l Abner comic strip, who was the homeliest girl in Dogpatch, USA. Her father created Sadie Hawkins Day, where, for one day a year, the tables were turned and the women could chase eligible men, and if a man got caught, he had to marry the girl. Sadie’s dad figured that was the only way she’d ever be a bride.

Today, there are plenty of men, and there’s one for you, no matter who you are or what you look like. If you want one, that is, and that’s an important if. Let’s turn the tables in a different direction, and let the dudes win us over, instead of the other way around.