How Accepting Your Spouse’s Divorce Decision Can Save Your Marriage.

The More You Resist Divorce, The More Your Partner Wants Out.

For most of us who have been divorced, there came a time when one spouse said, “I think I want out.” I’ve learned that what happens after those words are spoken will have everything to do with whether it is a temporary bump in the marital road or the first step toward divorce. It will all boil down to how healthy each person is, mentally and emotionally.

​I once had drinks with a psychiatrist friend in San Antonio after work. I asked him, “What is your best measure of how mentally and emotionally healthy a person is?”

“How they deal with the bad times in their lives,” he said. “Those who are more fragile or unstable will experience deeper crashes than most and stay down much longer than those who are better adjusted. Some stay down for the rest of their lives.”

Hmm. I always wondered why my best friend would decompensate when her young children skinned a knee, and with my children, I didn’t. Was there something wrong with me, her, both, neither? Now I know — it’s about resilience. Being resilient is a therapist’s most valued trait in a client. If a client doesn’t have it, we want to help them build it so they can have a life of calm hills moving gently up and down rather than frequent high mountain peaks and deep valleys.

So ask yourself: Are you healthy enough to be strong and resilient when life gives you a hard time or when terrible things happen and you get knocked on your ass? Can you return to calmness after the initial shock, console yourself in despair during personal attacks or emotional injury, and control what you say and do? I ask because a marriage crisis tests people to an extreme degree, and if one spouse is mentally or emotionally unstable, there will be unnecessary drama and/or bloodletting, and the marriage will likely fail. If you have children, they will be the ones who pick up the tab for that.

Brutal truth: Marriage crisis divides men from the boys and women from the girls. If you can’t grow up and do the right thing when your spouse finally says they’ve had enough, knowing that self-control could give you your best chance at keeping your family together, then maybe you don’t have the qualities it takes to be successfully married. Quite a few people aren’t cut out for marriage, yet they marry and will fight the lead when their spouse wants to put them out to pasture. Why?

Marriage Crisis Fantasy.

When a marriage crisis occurs, it usually means an announcement has been made by a miserably unhappy spouse enduring a troubled marriage for quite some time. From that moment and for the foreseeable future, the onus will be mainly on the rejected spouse, the Leaning-in partner, to do the “right thing,” whatever that is, to stop the bleeding and turn the sinking ship around. Making the marriage work again will take patience, time, and determination. It will be a tough time for both partners over a long time.

To have the best shot at saving your marriage, a Leaning-in partner must cooperate with the disillusioned partner’s immediate needs and wants — I call them the Decider — whether you want to or not. Even if your spouse who wants to leave is the real villain, this is your only option unless you are okay with an inevitable divorce. These early days are fragile and frightening, but a partner who wants to save their marriage can, in most cases, do things that will make the difference between reconciliation or divorce.

Interestingly, saving the marriage has been the end goal for every Leaning-in partner I have worked with for over 23 years. They may have one or 100 reasons for wanting to keep going with their spouse. Some may make no sense, but for many, losing their marital relationship, even when they are unhappy and have few good things to say about their spouse, is something they will resist with everything they have.

I have a radical theory or hypothesis that could change the fates of many a married couple in a potentially marriage-ending crisis. It involves doing something unexpected that no one has yet been willing or able to do: If a spouse says they want to leave, the Leaning-in partner would say, “Okay, you may leave,” and then you are cooperative, reasonable, generous, and kind throughout the process, and even assist them in making it happen. Just imagine their response if you kindly and respectfully give them what they are asking for with zero pushback or negative emotion.

Rejection does things to the brain.

We’ve all been rejected in a romantic relationship and other ways: friends, families, jobs, dating, whatever. Most of us associate being rejected with terrible, painful experiences. If your spouse wants to leave and you have little or no ego strength, don’t believe in yourself, or have your whole identity wrapped up in that one relationship, it is likely to hit you hard and deep, which often provokes a toxic reaction. Unhealthy people who get rejected usually spew various poisons over the Decider, whose next steps will likely be to run for the hills with a stop by the courthouse. I’ve heard things like this:

• I’ll fight for custody of the children and tell the court about all of the horrible things you’ve done. You may not see them anymore.
• A stepparent who the stepchild values says: I will never see your child again if you do this.
• I’ll ensure you get financially wiped out and take everything you have.
• So much for our vows; look at you; things get tough, and out you go! I thought you were better than that.
• I’ll tell everyone, your family, your boss, all your dirtiest secrets.
• You’re about to be dragged through the mud; I’ll never forgive you for this.
• I will never give you an amicable divorce, and we will never be friends after this.
• I will tell the children what a shameful b****** you are.

It fascinates me to no end that any person would think emotional blackmail and threatening remarks like that are a good way to persuade your spouse to stay. What are people thinking? But as I wrote in a recent blog, When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them. When the nasty starts, a rejected spouse reveals the darkness in their soul.

The following should be common sense and go without saying. Still, I feel compelled to say it anyway: the best way to get a person wanting to leave to have second thoughts is to make the dreadful experience of telling you they think they want to go as easy on them as possible. Look at it this way: It is easy to leave someone who threatens, berates, resists, or chases after you when you don’t want to be chased, and difficult to leave someone you care about who is kind, caring, and decent about it.

That scenario is fantasy, of course, and never happens. Instead, once the I-think-I-want-to-leave statement is made, the Leaning-in spouses will rise from whatever state of complacency they were in and fight to the death to save it, even if they were previously unhappy, too. How do I know people who were thinking of divorce themselves fight to stay married when their spouse pulls the plug first? They tell me. “We were both miserable for a long time, but I want to know my best option for getting them to come back.” When I ask why, they realize what they’re doing makes no sense, but they still want to prevent a divorce process from happening. Is it stubborn pride? If so, perhaps the bottom line is that the Leaning-in partner would be okay if ending the marriage was their decision, but since the other spouse started it, they want to fight it. Human nature sometimes is just the craziest, most nonsensical thing.

No matter the quality of their marriage before the crisis, the Leaning-in Partner’s nervous system is always in fight mode after their spouse announces their unhappiness. My first order of business is to try and get these ignited spouses who are being tossed aside to calm down and leave their disillusioned partner alone, at least for a while. It is the most important thing they can do, and until they do it, nothing good will happen regarding saving the marriage. Marriage crisis math is this: The more the leaning-in partner pursues their leaning-out partner, the more the Decider is repulsed and the farther outside of the marriage they go. Trust me, I have seen this at least 1000 times.

Wisdom gained from experience.

When I was last single, I had done a lot of hard work over a long time to grow up, learn how to have healthy relationships, and implement all the skills and positive changes. I considered that work equivalent to preparing a field so that it would be optimal for the most nutritious and bountiful crops. For me, that meant orchestrating a meaningful life as a single mother, then in a new relationship if the right match came.

I put together all the essential pieces: I was emotionally healthy, able to live alone and entertain myself, supported myself financially, lived in a lovely house, and could spot men who were not functional and emotionally healthy enough for a solid relationship. It was my single-woman superpower.

Now and then, I’d have several dates with someone over a few months, and they’d ask me to meet them for brunch or a drink, and their tone said something was up. My intuition told me I was about to get dumped, so I’d gussy up with all the shine and shimmer I could muster, arrive like a lipsticked lamb to the slaughter, and they’d waste no time getting to the point.

“Becky, I have realized I am not romantically attracted to you (or some other reason), so I don’t want to go out anymore.”

“Okay.” I’d say as I picked up my purse. “I guess I may see you around; good luck out there.” I’d stand up to leave and …

“Don’t you want to order a drink or meal and discuss it?” Their body language would always reveal a mixture of confusion and shock.

“Um, no thanks. I don’t spend time with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. Bye now.” Boom, I’d leave.

I still remember how wonderful it felt to get up and walk away. I’d feel like a powerful heroine in a movie, strutting away with confidence, knowing that some fool had just made a colossal mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t that into most of these guys I met, and I get that that feeling is often mutual. Still, I always enjoyed a little friendly companionship and intelligent conversation with people, even if he wasn’t a keeper.

Then, nine out of ten times, I’d hear from the man again and had come to anticipate it. They’d text, email, or leave a voicemail and hint that they’d want to see about fishing in the Becky pond again. I would smile and say to myself, “I knew it,” then completely ignore their communications, thinking, “What about ‘I don’t spend time with people who don’t want to spend time with me?’ Do they not understand?” And I meant it.

Looking back, this interpersonal transaction of walking away in power was the pinnacle of mental and emotional health for a single person. A healthy single person knows their value, doesn’t take getting dumped personally, and instead is grateful for it. They accept the wisdom of the universe to weed ridiculous people out of their lives and don’t fight the winds that tell them to head in a different direction. The last thing I wanted was a half-ass partner who wasn’t sure about my awesomeness. I was looking for someone who felt they were the luckiest person in the world to have crossed my path — enthusiastic, all-in, hallelujah, let ‘s-go-mojo, nothing less.

Something about my calm acceptance of what they wanted and unwillingness to sit and listen to whatever self-justifying bullshit fest they were about to dish up to make themselves feel better with an added fake hug of comfort for good measure at the end made them want me again. It was such an interesting phenomenon that I began to take perverse glee in watching it unfold. I considered it academic research — a study of human nature. The one thing I was never going to do, I knew, was give any guy who said those words to me one time another shot. I was out of the on-again, off-again dating merry-go-round as a newly-found form of self-care and personal growth. I’d look away and head down to the next thing, whether alone or … whatever.

Marriage is different.

Back to marriages on the brink of divorce. Marriage is significant, not in the league of dating, and I hope readers don’t think I am asking you to be as flippant as I was when I was single and getting dumped. However, I still think a more mature version of what I did would be a powerful way to turn the tables to a different path and a more positive outcome when a spouse says, “I think I’m done.”

Suppose your spouse is seriously considering beginning divorce proceedings, and your marriage crisis is commencing. In that case, things look bleak for your relationship, and hopefully, you understand that most marriages experiencing that will not make it in the end. As I said, in my experience, whether it will or won’t depends very much on what happens after the announcement from the spouse who wants to leave. What I’ve learned is: Be pleasant and accommodating to your distressed spouse, avoid drama, don’t threaten, don’t start love bombing or trying to make up for years of neglect and not meeting their needs overnight, leave them in peace, give them space, and if they want to go, or want you to go, do it. Quietly and respectfully.

For those of you saying, “Well, that could be considered child abandonment in my state,” and “My lawyer told me …. blah, blah … “ I am simply telling you that there are ways around all obstacles. If you start popping some attitude about not leaving and you declare that you need to stand up for yourself, you’re probably going down. It is your choice entirely. Again, if you make life unnecessarily difficult for your partner, you will probably divorce. Anyway, my two managed separation agreements I have prepared for people in these situations take care of all fears and concerns most people have, like the abandonment issue, and allow you to safely take the path I am suggesting … which is to be kind and accommodating to a Decider in a way that could save your marriage in the end. People do not divorce kindness; they leave excuses, difficulty, and human thorns.

Think of it this way.

I love the finesse and ways a situation can be intelligently maneuvered to an unexpected and desired outcome by understanding how human beings think and what they are likely to do in certain situations. I can tell people in a marriage crisis, “If you do A, they will do B, which you don’t want, but if you do C, which is much harder to do, they will do D, but D is what you want the most …” What choice do you think most will make? Well, they say they will do C, which is the correct answer, but don’t keep the determination required, end up doing A (with ridiculous justifications for it), and get the opposite result of what they want. People end up divorced because they cannot, will not, control themselves enough to do something that goes entirely against instinct and common sense but is something that I know works.

Those who’ve prepared themselves mentally and emotionally, like I had when I was single, so I could handle whatever happens, will have a much easier time in a marriage crisis than those who were unstable and unbalanced, to begin with, and this goes for any life crisis. Think survival of the fittest. If you aren’t solid when your marriage is falling apart, get on the speed plan to become solid now. That is the second best thing you could do to save your marriage other than leaving your spouse alone. Get healthy in every way to present your best self in your relationship. The good news is that no matter what happens with your marriage, you can’t lose with that plan.

Excuses people tell me.

Leaning-in partners have told me every excuse for why they ended up being difficult or acted like an asshole during their marriage crisis when there’s no excuse for it. Here is some of the baloney I have heard over the years:

• I can’t just let them get everything they want; what about me?
• That’s not fair. Nothing about this is fair.
• Why do I have to do all the changes when they don’t have to do anything?
• They want a divorce, so let them be the one to leave.
• I paid for the house (or am the breadwinner), so I’m not leaving.
• How are they going to support themselves? I’m not going to pay for them to separate from me.
• Our marriage is not that bad. I’m not that bad. They have lost their mind, not me.
• I’m giving them two weeks to decide. That’s it.

Things are only one-sided at the beginning of a marriage crisis, and things aren’t fair in life or marriage crisis anyway. This is not kindergarten, where everyone gets the same snack sliced the same way. This is a battle to save a marriage, and when someone is about to throw you through the goalposts of life, there can be no self-righteous attitudes.

We will transition to working on both people if we get the opportunity, but first, we need to make sure the coast is clear, and the Decider isn’t about to touch the marital detonator button. Stabilization is of primary importance.

Back to the basics.

A marriage crisis is a stressful period where the dust is kicked up between two people, and we must wait for the dust to settle in order to see what we have to work with. Leaning-in partners have the hardest time with this. Also, self-improvement during this time is a non-negotiable must-do that puts us in a much better position for a potentially positive outcome.

Reconciliations don’t work unless all the individual and relational issues are addressed and put in the rearview mirror. Unsuccessful reconciliations involve a couple getting back together without addressing what got you both in this spot in the first place. Oh, and please, don’t do this alone, people. Professional help in the form of couples counseling or a good marriage therapist will be required to get you on track for a solid reconciliation that sticks over time.

Marriages can be better than ever after a marriage crisis and reconciliation if people get the marriage help they need, learn, and grow. But this will never happen if you don’t get the early days of the marriage crisis right, and that’s with experience in marriage crisis advice and oversight. Don’t skip this step.

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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.

She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News, and is the author of “I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out” published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster, and to be released February 4, 2025.

She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She also has a YouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Manager where she talks about relationships. She has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

• For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
• Marriage Crisis Manager is an Amazon affiliate and may receive a small fee if you purchase recommended books from our links at no extra cost to you.