How to End the Insanity of the Nasty Divorce.
If you divorce, how to do the right thing for your family.
I am an advocate for the end of the nasty divorce. Especially when there are children involved. To me, it is one of the most ridiculous, wasteful, idiotic ways to end an unhappy marriage. It must stop, but I need you to help.
The Science of a Marriage Crisis.
The human brain processes divorce or the potential loss of a partner as a threat to survival, and the autonomic nervous system soon gets involved. Once the unhappy partner says they may want to leave the marriage, both parties will experience a threat, and their sympathetic nervous systems (SNS) will fire. Pulses race, and they each go into the fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the SNS fires, digestion stops, cognitive abilities become limited, and a toxic part of their personality appears designed to fight for survival. Although the couple’s lives are not in danger, their brain tells them they are. This is where poor choices are made, and bad behavior blossoms.
The person who is thinking of leaving — the Decider — has gone into full flight mode, and the person wanting to save the marriage — the Leaning-in partner, is in fight mode. Deciders feel the urge to run away, and Leaning-in partners feel the need to chase, creating a huge mess that never has a good outcome. The more the Leaning-in Partner chases, loves bombs, and pursues, the farther away the Decider will want to run.
This is where a person to oversee the marriage crisis is crucial to the process. Every person has painful emotional nerves, and the marriage crisis triggers most of them: rejection themes, inaccurate memories recalled, divorce guilt, and feelings of shame all provoke intense emotions.
People usually can’t manage this on their own, and what their instinct tells them to do is the wrong thing to do. The situation must be stabilized before doing anything else, and a marriage crisis management coach will initially guide each person to their corners to calm down and then work from there.
Most humans can overrule the instinct to go low and conduct themselves respectfully during a difficult time with help from a marriage and family therapist. We work to do this because it is the only right thing to do when a family is involved. Having someone who will coach you and help you process the wild emotions you’re feeling, who will reassure you that it is expected to feel that way in the situation, and who shows you ways to release your intense emotions safely and learn to soothe yourself will help couples avoid a mess, the regret that comes with that, and prevent two frightened people from ripping an entire family system apart. If you have children, it is something that must take place.
Managing a marriage in crisis.
Whether to leave or go is one of life’s most agonizing decisions. You will need someone who understands relationship and family dynamics to help you sort through it, as you would need a sherpa should you decide to climb Mt. Everest. We don’t want you to make mistakes or decisions based on faulty data and leave a marriage that could have and should have been saved. It stuns me how many Deciders stand ready to pull the plug on a marriage with kids when they have done absolutely nothing to try and save it.
If you divorce, your kids will ask you about this one day, and you will want to give them an answer that makes sense and brings them peace. Kids need to understand what happened, what was done, and why it had to be this way.
After years of unhappiness, marriage counseling (I hope), a marriage crisis, and all that is involved, some people will still conclude that the best thing is to get a divorce. This is another dicey period that will reignite the SNS, and, once again, the potential for huge mistakes can and will be made. This is where a couple will head down a path to an amicable divorce that benefits everyone or the nasty divorce that rips families apart and damages them for life.
Ground Zero for the Nasty Divorce.
Almost every thriving town in the United States has at least one divorce lawyer who is known as the nastiest, most sinister, gut-ripping son of a gun in the marriage-ending industry. What a distinction. People who think their spouse may be about to divorce them are warned by well-meaning friends that this human being could be the person hired to oversee their spouse’s divorce proceedings, and they quake in fear.
Misleadingly referred to as a family lawyer — these types are infamous for masterminding a plan to part and divide property and time with children, all designed to make their client’s spouse miserable, similar to throwing them to a pack of rabid dogs to be ripped to shreds. A more accurate name for these soulless individuals would be legal family destroyers.
Never mind how their insulting accusations, filings, and demands will affect the family moving forward; the only thing that matters is impaling and torturing an estranged spouse to the point of emotional exhaustion and wearing them down until they can’t take it anymore, ultimately getting them to agree to a deal that is far less than they deserve.
Do they love being nasty? Yes. Do they have a conscience? No. Do they care that you will have to remain a family and interact with one another until the day you die? No.
The only way to stop this madness is to stop hiring them and leave them alone with their insane billable hour charges, wondering where everyone went. The message will be clear: start advocating for and helping families or get out.
I aim to bring shame and disgust to the adversarial “family law” profession and put them out of business once and for all. The era of the heartless, bullying lawyer who destroys families must end, and it is the only way we can change the divorce process as we know it. It must start with refusing to engage in an adversarial divorce process.
Some clients tell me they have no choice but to go the nasty route. And yes, when you are dealing with someone who has mental health issues and will not stand down from false and dangerous accusations, those who are punitive and vindictive, the only option may be to hire a legal Disney villain, but if you do, prepare yourself for empty pockets and hell on earth. That is what the terrible thing known as the nasty divorce is, where there are no winners, and people grieve and mourn the experience for the rest of their lives. Research shows that the remaining anger after an adversarial divorce process is life-lasting.
One of my clients, I’ll call him Joey, told me that the divorce he has been inching toward for over two years would have to be nasty. I worked with both of them briefly and experienced her inability to be reasonable first-hand, and, of course, she opted out. Since then, I have worked with Joey alone and held his hand through many of his marriage struggles, always with our focus on potential reconciliation.
But as hard as we tried, things spiraled. Sandy’s perspective about Joey is terminally negative. She assumes the worst, and at the root of every issue, it is always Joey’s fault.
With Sandy came affairs and accusations toward Joey of horrific things that were not true; she rewrote their marital history and had an affinity for calling the police whenever he had an angry outburst. Yes, Joey has been known to get angry when accused of outrageous things, especially upon hearing her stories twisting and contorting the truth.
Although Joey does get angry when she aggressively finger-points and accuses him of things he has not done, which is understandable, anger is a response to injustice; however, he has never touched her in anger. He is ashamed of his actions and reports broken lamps and cups being thrown against the wall when overwhelmed. When things like this happen, Sandy chooses to contact the police or file a report, creating a criminal file for Joey. She knows how to work the system to her advantage. Difficult people often do.
Their children are already picking up the tab for this outrageousness and needless drama, and now that they are separated and in the divorce process, the children beg Joey not to be forced to visit their mother, which is very unusual for young children and says a lot.
As much as I loathe saying it, there are times for toughness in divorce; it is for people who, at the end of a relationship, wish the worst for their spouse, who act outrageously, who work to destroy the other person, who threaten them, and who go to their workplaces to sully their reputations and work to influence their friends and family negatively. Worst of all, those who do not follow the known ways to deal with children of divorce, the way that gives them the best chance of surviving the changing family dynamic with their innocence, trust, and belief in people intact, may only understand the ugly way of parting.
Unfortunately, in Joey’s case, I understand the need for it. Amicable divorce requires reasonable individuals who share a common goal to part with respect and a desire for their children to experience a best-case divorce scenario. Although Joey wants that more than anything, Sandy is incapable of it.
The Amicable Divorce.
Working with individuals, couples, and family members for as long as I have, I have become passionate about minimizing relational drama and mayhem and finding healthier ways to set boundaries and treat one another. The damage a nasty divorce does is impossible to exaggerate.
The divorce process has been nasty for as long as I can recall. Marriage and family therapists like me stand witness to and mop up the mental and emotional messes, tears, and anguish of spouses, children, friends, and others affected by marital problems, a failed marriage, and the nasty process people experience when marriages end. The residue from a hostile divorce battle continues for decades, if not forever.
Even if divorce is one of the best decisions you’ll ever make, the story will not end well or bring you the peace you desire if things go south in a legal blood-letting. That is why I implore every person who wants to end a marriage to do it with heart, respect, and consideration and choose an amicable divorce path.
Ninety percent of the people I work with who decide to end their marriage say they want an amicable divorce, but almost none end up that way. How do well-meaning people end up in a nasty, adversarial divorce process when that’s the opposite of what they intend? One, they don’t know how; two, they don’t know what else to do but hire an adversarial “family” lawyer. These are the legal family destroyers I wrote about above. Once that choice is made, the hostile route is in place.
When I realized that amicable divorces weren’t happening because people didn’t know how to approach them, I created a blueprint for couples that considered the business, mental, and emotional aspects of ending a marriage and prevented emotional bloodshed. My plan prioritized children’s interests, and the lawyer’s role was minimized, and I incorporated plans that other professional organizations with the same goals, like the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. (IACP) have suggested for families who want amicable divorce.
Collaborative professionals outline an amicable divorce plan that involves hiring collaborative lawyers who refuse to engage in court battles and will only work with couples through negotiation and mediation processes. The plan also involves neutral representatives for both parties who advise family-friendly financial and child outcomes. The neutral person for children is usually a therapist, and the financial neutral would be an accountant or financial specialist.
Therapists may have sold families short in the past when it comes to divorce. Traditionally, they have helped couples reach the point where they realized they wanted to part but played little role after that. Although divorce therapy has been around for a long time, few people know about it, and few therapists suggest it. Couples have often spent a lot of money on therapy and are ready to stop that, especially knowing they are about to pay lawyers, and the situation goes south from there.
Divorce is expensive, but if you’re going to spend a chunk of cash on costly lawyers anyway, I strongly suggest you not hire adversarial lawyers and take the route that has been designed to give your family the soft landing they need and deserve. I have added a piece to the IACP process with the neutrals and collaborative lawyers, including transitioning to divorce therapy, working with the therapist to divide the things you agree on, and switching to the collaborative lawyers to work out the things you can’t. This saves money, and the divorce therapist will help you with the closure and mental and emotional pieces that are so important.
In my plan for an amicable divorce, the marriage and family therapist plays the largest role, adversarial lawyers play no role, and collaborative lawyers play a less significant role. I have realized that people can’t or won’t go the amicable route without professional support. They need help and coaching along the way. I see it as cradling them through the process as they adjust to a new life as a single parent and find healthy ways to navigate that and all of the negative emotions they will undoubtedly encounter.
In the collaborative and amicable process, people will not be shamed for their behaviors, threatened with losing children, or told that one or the other refuses to pay their fair share of family or child support and monetary and property settlements. You will not talk to your children about their parent or act in ways that bring them down, and you will do the right thing because it is the best thing for all involved. Shirk your responsibilities, and your children will hold you accountable later. Any punitive thoughts should be worked out in therapy, not in real-time.
This new and different process for amicable partings slows things down so people can emotionally adjust to the significant changes in their lives. Why? Therapists know that people can only take so much change in a short period without experiencing negative mental or physical symptoms. My plan accounts for the need for a bit-by-bit healthy adjustment over six to 12 months.
All things considered, if I had children still at home, or even if I didn’t have children or my children were grown, and I was about to go through a divorce, I would insist on the collaborative plan using a therapist to work out the things that can be agreed upon, then using the neutrals and collaborative lawyers to iron out the rest. Take your time, don’t rush, give it your best efforts, treating one another as you would want to be treated, and I would predict a best-case divorce outcome.
Throw your divorce fantasy out.
People often imagine they could be friends with their ex, hang out with the ex and children sometimes, or spend holidays together as a family. This seldom happens. Divorce does things to people; it changes them, and be prepared for this. People move on, meet new mates, and some don’t like or want anything to do with you anymore. New mates don’t usually appreciate hangouts and friendships with the ex. Divorce means creating a whole new and different life for yourself.
Too many times, divorced individuals have told me they no longer knew or understood the person they were divorced from and never would have imagined it would turn out as it did, which was distant and uninvolved.
Be cordial and pleasant in all contacts and exchanges regardless of your ex’s stance. Be considerate, cooperative, and kind. Be the better person no matter what is thrown your way. If you mess up, apologize and do better the next time. Make it right. Work on your personal growth and become a better person.
If we don’t learn from our mistakes, gain compassion from our suffering, and gain wisdom from the lessons learned, then we’ll repeat the mistakes until we finally learn the lessons. Divorce is a second chance; for some, it is the right decision. Whatever it is for you, make the best of it.
- Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
- For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
If you enjoyed this article by Becky Whetstone, you might like this:
