How Excuses and Justifications are Marriage Killers
Just Say You Screwed the Marriage Up, Then Work to Change.
Marriage therapists hear frequent excuses and justifications for foolish behaviors in relationships, and it never ceases to amaze me how creative some people can be in explaining why they do what they do. The problem with excuses and justifications is that most partners process them as evidence that 1. You did something you shouldn’t have, 2. You are telling me why that is okay or acceptable, and 3. You think that’s okay, so will likely do it again. A modern marriage in a survival struggle needs hope for growth and change; excuses and justifications kill that.
Benny’s wife reported that during a couple of temporary estrangements, he had a history of going on dating apps and complicating their lives by getting involved with someone else, whom he then found it difficult to discard. Now estranged again and living apart, he desperately wanted to reconcile. One of Sammie’s main concerns, besides “Will he change once and for all,” has to do with the first question: Will he date again?
“He has a lot of trauma,” she says. “I get it, there are lots of abandonment issues, but at the end of the day, he can’t be alone and not in a relationship for any significant length of time, and I tell you, if he reaches out to others while we figure things out once again, I’ll lose complete respect for him, know he can’t change, and he’ll destroy any chance of us ever being able to get things on solid ground.”
“I am changing, Sammie,” he responded, urgently wanting to reassure her. “I can be alone. I am fixing all the things that have been obstacles in the past. I won’t get involved with anyone. I can wait until you’re ready to reconnect. Watch me.”
Great news, I thought. That’s the perspective and energy that can keep a family together: hero-like determination.
However, one week later, Benny and I met individually, and a different part of his personality emerged. Now feeling restless, Benny said he was tired of waiting for Sammie to want to work on the marriage, so he went ahead and reached out to his last lover, Liz.
My heart dropped.”Oh, Benny, no.”
“I figure I deserve it,” he said. “I was sitting by the pool having a glass of wine alone on a Friday night and thought, you know what? ‘Sammie is doing pretty well without me, and I am over here suffering. Why should I put myself through that?'” he said. “What’s the harm in just moving on? I need to feel better. There’s no guarantee Sammie will ever come around or how long it will take anyway, so I might as well have things I want and need like someone to talk to and lean on.”
This is how it goes in shakey romantic love—promises to heal, learn, and grow, only to throw the intention away when discomfort becomes more than one is willing to bear. Like an addict, it’s pretty easy to talk about all the things a person can and will do while their nervous system is feeling calm and settled. But the moment anxiety rises and the cravings for the self-sabotaging drug return, justifications will be found to engage in the destructive behavior.
What sociologists and researchers say.
Years ago, I was spellbound when listening to Carol Tavris, a social psychologist and co-author of Mistakes Were Made, but Not By Me: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, speak at a national meeting of Marriage and Family Therapists. She explained that humans are good at justifying any decision, for better or worse, and I couldn’t agree more.
“Misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love,” she said. “Self-justification is.”
You know what she’s talking about – the excuses for not doing the things it would take to save or repair the marriage. When I was married to my kid’s dad years ago, I learned all about the hopelessness and despair that comes from numerous excuses and justifications for broken promises, workaholism, lack of family life, and many other issues. Over time, I realized he wasn’t willing today to do whatever we needed to have a strong marriage. It was always something he planned to do tomorrow, but never today.
When I finally had enough, I began relationship-sabotaging behaviors myself, with numerous excuses and justifications about why he had it coming to him and why I should now have the freedom to please myself. Jeeze, what a mess.
At the conference, Tavris said the antidote to self-justifying behavior is to understand instead your partner’s feelings and where they’re coming from: “You have to value how your partner feels over your own need to be right or have your way,” she said. Empathy, caring, understanding, and believing that each person’s point of view is equally important and valuable make the most significant difference.
Justifications and excuses are popular defense mechanisms designed to protect one’s ego. Most want to think of themselves as good people and be seen that way. So when we do something that would be perceived by many as not good, we try to make it good and okay with justifications and excuses. It seems like a good idea, I suppose. Except that anyone with an IQ over 100 won’t buy it. and their opinion of you will fall even lower. So much for protecting the persona of being a good person – since then, I have found it far easier and more satisfying to drop the excuse-making song and dance and say, “Yes, I did something wrong, and I am so sorry.” I know, too, that I’d better not do it again.
Back to Benny and Sammie … If Sammie finds out that Benny has reached out to Liz, their marriage will surely end. She will give Benny no more chances once she sees, without a doubt, that when the stakes are highest, Benny is a talker, not a doer; he will never change, and she will again experience the loss of hope that makes a divorce decision much easier on those who are torn. In the end, the excuses we tell our partners for not doing the things that might save the relationship reveal that you will do what you want no matter what it is because it is right for you, which is a guaranteed marriage killer.
Tarvis and her co-author Elliot Aronson say the only way a marital relationship can last is by “resisting the allure of self-justification”(1). Though marriages often weather minor justifications like, “I’ve been so overwhelmed I completely forgot I was supposed to do X,” the ones that tear couples apart are when protecting not “what we did, but when we are protecting who we are,” as in being seen as a good person. This comes in two versions:
I am right, and you are wrong.
Even if I am wrong, too bad; it’s just the way I am.
Take it or leave it; this is how it will be, is the message, and of course, I hear both in couple’s sessions and very frequently.
In Benny’s case, his better, wise adult self was willing to fight to keep his family together and could be patient as Sammie worked through her need for separation. Still, the part of him that tore their marriage apart in the first place hasn’t been healed and continues to talk him into quick fixes that work for him in the short term and fail his family in the long term. In sessions, I call this type of behavior running back into the burning house relationally. You know what’s likely to happen when you go back in and do this thing you should not do, but you can’t resist going back inside to get that one last thing.
People do things they know will damage their marriages because of emotional immaturity, the tendency to blame and not accept responsibility, finding reasons in their heads to make it okay, and the inability to delay self-gratification for the higher good of the whole. It sounds like this:
I cheated because you’re so cold and withhold affection.
I ran up the credit cards and kept it secret because you’re a cheapskate, unreasonable, and won’t let me enjoy life.
I tell you what to do because you are so irresponsible.
I will fix it, but I can’t now because of (put excuses and justifications here).
Relationships change over time.
Most relationships aren’t like this in the beginning. We usually begin a committed relationship with lots of goodwill and positive regard for one another. That changes over time when a couple’s love tank empties on either or both sides, mainly because of a lack of effort in meeting one another’s love needs, varying marital crimes and misdemeanors that have happened and not been repaired. The many cuts and wounds over several years without repair or improvement, along with a person who ridiculously justifies or defends the indefensible, will change the perception a partner has of their spouse from positive to negative over time.
The stories we tell about our partners change over the years. In marriages that fail, going from idealization to normalization or reality and, finally, demonization or contempt are not uncommon patterns. Marriage researcher John Gottman has said that one of the most significant predictors of how a marriage will fare over the long term is how each person retells their past together. Once the perception about life with the partner has shifted from positive to negative, the stories about the past will also change, which sets a person up to act primarily in their best interest, justify doing that, and ultimately, the justification for giving up.
The revisionist history of failed relationships can be cruel and inaccurate. “I realize now I never loved you,” being one I often hear, and “I knew I shouldn’t have married you,” another. If a spouse isn’t a serial killer, abusive, or otherwise seriously mentally ill, those who choose to leave okay or good enough partners will have to come up with all kinds of reasons to justify leaving, especially to the shared children. Take them all with a grain of salt. Attribute it to someone who cares very much about what other people think. If they didn’t, they might be able to face and take ownership of the truth.
(1) Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Harcourt.
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