If You’re Thinking of Leaving Your Spouse, Read This ….

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

You’ve been unhappy in your relationship for a long time. You can taste the idea of freedom, focusing on your own needs, a new start. How can you walk away and not cause much damage? You sit on the porch pondering what it would be like to leave after so many years of marriage, to not have to deal with the person that annoys you to the ends of the earth. You like this idea, you want it, you need it.

Despite all that, it might not be the best or right decision, at least for now. Unless there is an abusive relationship, serial cheating, or severe addiction involved, the process must be considered mindfully, and slowly. As an experienced marriage crisis manager who has worked with thousands of individuals and couples over the years, I’ve seen too many couples divorce prematurely, unnecessarily, and ridiculously, as the most miserable person in the marriage reaches a crescendo of stress that they don’t realize is temporary.

I’m not saying your feelings aren’t justified, marriage is difficult, but there are quite a few things to consider, and the first step is to make sure it’s the best thing for you. If you have children, you owe it to yourself and everyone else to follow my guidance.

Shedding someone you feel drags you down or doesn’t understand you, or won’t understand you, is complicated. There will be collateral damage. You wonder if you could have an amicable divorce, “That sure would make things easier,” you tell yourself. “Maybe we could even be friends.” The answer is, almost certainly, no, but more on that later. You ask yourself, “When do you know it’s time to pull the plug? Can I ever be certain? Is this just a rough patch? What will people say? Will my kids hate me? Will either of us be financially destroyed or poverty stricken? What if I regret it? Does anyone have a healthy relationship?” Those are reasonable concerns.

Back in the day, I was thinking about divorcing my kid’s dad. He was as neglectful as a person can be. Workaholic, ambitious, controlling, made huge decisions without ever talking to me about it, no interest in romance, lack of respect, and he could be prickly, shut down, and mean. It wasn’t a safe place for my heart. I begged him to change, he said he would, but the day never came. How long does one wait? When is hope forever lost? I was a stay-at-home mom, what people called then, a housewife. I went through all the stages of marital deterioration, hit rock bottom, and asked him to move out. If you’re reading this you’re probably almost there, too. I can report to you now, 30 years later, seeing how it all played out, I regret it, and I’m not alone — divorce therapist Terry Gaspard conducted a study of divorced couples and found that 50 percent regretted their decision looking back, several years later, and 68 percent wish they had tried harder.

Since my own marriage ended, I’ve done a necropsy, looking into what happened and how. I became a marriage counselor who specializes in marriage crisis, and I learned that there were things that could have been done, though our therapist at the time had no idea what to do. It’s not an emphasized topic in graduate school, so we were sent back home. The therapist said that if I got motivated to work on the marriage, we could return.

I needed more time to come out of my arc of stress to see if I could become motivated, time my husband wouldn’t give me. He was pressured by close friends and family to cut the line, and gave me two weeks to decide, the worst thing he could have done. In my uncertainty I was in a fed-up place, and if I had to decide now, it was to end it. Knowing what I know now, we did everything wrong. We mismanaged the crisis, made things worse than they had to be, we both suffered as did our kids, and knowing that thousands of couples end up in this same place each year, I have become an evangelist to change that ending for couples. Some people should divorce, no doubt, but others divorce needlessly. Those are the marriages we must fight for. Couples with children must make better decisions for their family.

That’s one reason I want you to slow down. You don’t have to decide today. You may think you can’t stand one more minute with your spouse. That may mean you need a break. Sometimes a short separation, or trial divorce as I like to call it, may be in order. Getting away from your family can be a shock to the system, and you may not like it. Seeing your children react negatively to the major change will break your heart.

Suddenly that new start doesn’t quite fit the fantasy you had in your mind. Your emotions and perspective can shift, and your mind can become more open to new possibilities. “Maybe there is hope that we could work through things,” you think. I have worked with clients chomping at the bit to leave their spouse, and one year later having gone through a divorce, the client who adamantly wanted out was now an emotional basket case saying, “Nothing turned out as I’d hoped. I’m lonely and so unhappy.”

But if you’re not having it, and you’re pretty sure you want out, there are some things I think you should do first. I feel that a divorce and leaving your family should be earned, especially if children are involved. You may be so closed-off right now that all you can see is the door to a new life. You may not be open to common sense measures, yes, it could be a mid-life crisis, but still, to make the right decision, you must promise yourself and your family to be thoughtful and mindful about what you’re doing.

Affairs

If you are thinking of having an affair, or are already in the throes of one, doing the right thing by you and your family will be extremely difficult. You will be distracted, feeling like you’re high on drugs, as that is what infatuation feels like; your thinking will be muddied and you’ll be incapable of wise decisions. I’d tell you to end it right now but know the drug may be too powerful to cast aside. Still, it’s important to say that very little good is likely to happen in the long run on this path. Relationships that began in this way often never work out in the end, and many books about affairs, blended families, and marriages that began as an affairs will explain the dozens of reasons why. Read them.

What’s your contribution to the failure of the marriage?

There are thousands of factors that can create an unhappy relationship. Incompatibility, different personalities, different levels of maturity, desires, dreams. What I am interested is what you believe your part in it to be. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself right now, is to figure out why you dropped the ball in your marriage. Here’s some questions to ponder:

· When my partner wanted to talk about issues, I was receptive and open. T F

If you answered false, describe how you responded to the requests.

· When I had issues with my partner, I was able to come to them and calmly and respectfully talk to them. T F

If you answered false, describe if and how you let them know you were struggling in the relationship:

· If my partner asked to go to marriage therapy, I was more than willing. T F

If you answered false, describe why you were reluctant to get counseling:

· Did you put enough focus on keeping your relationship alive through the years? Yes No

If you answered no, what kept you from doing so?

· Were you flexible and go-with-the-flow in your daily life, or were you more rigid and controlling? Flexible Rigid and controlling

If you were more rigid and controlling, what was your reason for that?

· Thinking back on your fighting and arguing style, was it effective in getting you what you wanted and needed? Yes No

If not, how could you have approached your partner differently?

· Did you encourage and support your partner’s hopes and dreams and do the hard work a good relationship takes? Y N

If not, what was your reasoning for not doing so?

· We’ve all heard the term, “Good marriages take work.” What does that mean to you?

· Do you feel that you have done everything you could to work things out in your marriage? Y N

· If you answered no, what things could you have done, and perhaps could still do, to work things out?

· Were you and your spouse ever best friends? Why not, or, how did that change?

· Have you been the spouse you always imagined yourself to be?

· And finally, what do you think the purpose of marriage is?

The Loss of Hope

When a partner gives up hope to have their needs met, the formula is in place to create an eventual marriage crisis. Typically, an unhappy partner may begin passive aggressively expressing themselves about things they’re not happy about, then more aggressively, then move on to an angry plea, then finally, an anguished plea. If the anguished plea doesn’t get results, the person who will eventually leave, I call the Decider, concludes they have run out of options and then sit back and wait for the marriage to die. This exhibits the loss of hope for change and the death knell of marriage.

Just because things are bad now doesn’t mean your perception is entirely accurate, and it’s a good idea to check that. It’d be a pity if you left someone over stuff you made up that isn’t even true. For instance, a person might make up the idea that, “my spouse doesn’t care,” when in fact, they do, or “Looking back I don’t think I ever loved them,” when the truth is you absolutely did. As you look over your marital beefs, make sure you have solid evidence to back up each assertion. Things we recall from the past are notoriously inaccurate, so be skeptical of what you tell yourself. As we become disgruntled in our relationship we tend to focus on every bad thing and ignore the good, the opposite dynamic from when we first met our future spouse.

The other factor is, if you tell your partner you’re thinking of divorce, your spouse will likely wake up from their marital complacency and be highly motivated to correct the things that weren’t working in the past, although that can be exasperating. Alas, it often does take something drastic for human beings to be jolted from complacency.

High hopes, low effort.

Many of the couples I see promised to love, honor and cherish in their wedding vows, which is quite a serious promise and whomever thought them up originally must have known something about what it takes to keep a long-term relationship alive. We’ve all heard that marriage is work, but what does that mean? Time, effort, focus on someone else. Most of us promised to …

1. Love. Practicing the love languages,[1] the loving actions that make your partner feel loved. Not what you are capable of or comfortable with, but what they want and need. If they need to be touched on a daily basis, touch them. To refuse to do so or make excuses for not doing it is a refusal to love.

2. Honor. This is respect. Keeping the level of conversation on the high road, never hitting below the belt. Speaking to one another on equal footing, never talking down to the other. Being influenced by your partner’s wishes, hopes, dreams.

3. Cherish. To value. Through words and actions, showing your partner that they are precious to you.

Most of the couples I’ve worked with said the wedding vows, but never sat down and gave much thought to what they were promising, and this is a big mistake. If a spouse hasn’t considered the seriousness of the vows, they might still be aware of the five love languages being important, but are they practicing any of it? No, and the excuses are all the same; we are busy with work, children, hunting season, aging parents, going back to school and … you name it. Too many people in our culture have allowed themselves to become human pack mules, carrying too heavy a load to be able to enjoy the lighter, fun side of life and the joys of a connected, intimate relationship. Relationships are something you make time for. It’s for adults who set their intention to making it good, then follow through.

Excuses and Justifications for not giving a marriage what it needs.

The stuff we make up for not making time for marriage and/or children are hope-killers, and it is the loss of hope that leads a Decider down the marital deterioration tunnel and straight into marriage crisis. Some of the things said that kill hope are:

· This is just the way I am. Deal with it.

· You’re the one who needs to go to therapy, not me.

· I will stop (fill in the blank … drinking, smoking, chewing …) after the holidays, next month, after the New Year, after my big project at work, after our summer vacation …

· It’s my birthday month …

· What I’m doing (or not doing) is not that bad!

· You want me to be perfect, and I’ll never be perfect!

· I don’t know how.

· No one in my family ever expected that.

· Why can’t you be like my (parent, friend, sibling), they never complained?

· Your friends (or family) have got you to thinking there’s something wrong with me! They’re the problem, not me!

· I do not have a drinking problem! I can quit anytime I like!

· Pot is safe and never killed anyone!

· You’re being (a nag, an asshole, bitch, mean!)

· You’ve got it so good; I can’t believe you have the nerve to complain.

· You just can’t be happy.

· I have PMS (or whatever illness, condition, or syndrome)!

Yes, people are busy, and some have hormonal problems or chronic illnesses, but those that want to have a thriving marriage will situate themselves where they can give their spouse enough of what they need to make them feel cared about. To create more room in your life, you may need to eliminate unnecessary things, rein in the necessary ones, and create balance where you are able to bring your best self to the marriage. If your partner is amenable to it, find a way to include them as part of the team of your life dreams, hobbies, passions. The key word is enough. Most of us do not expect a utopia of love and romance over the decades, but by golly can’t you put your focus on me enough to let me know that you are happy to have me in your life and that I am special to you? If you dropped the ball on this, wake up. You may get a chance for a do over with who you’re married to now, but if you don’t and want to meet someone new, make sure you’re ready and willing to put in the time and focus necessary to have a good marriage, otherwise the same pattern will likely repeat itself.

How do I know if I am going through a mid-life crisis?

A mid-life crisis is a rebellion by a person who perceives themselves as giving and sacrificing to benefit their family while not receiving enough appreciation, love, and support in return. These are people who have expectations … an inner conversation such as, “I will bust my rear to provide for my family, and then I’ll get all of my needs met.” The problem is none of it is discussed. The spouse who may soon be left or thrown into crisis isn’t aware of the expectations, and they fall short, of course, because they have no idea what they are. Meanwhile, their angry partner who is sacrificing builds more and more resentment.

As the midlife crisis unfolds, a person who previously conformed and sacrificed has now overdosed on resentment. They now slide to the other extreme and refuse to conform to anything. The conforming, pleasing and accommodating got the person nowhere with very few needs met, they conclude, and so it’s time I only do for myself. The irony is that the individual could have avoided all of this by finding the balance between giving to the family and exercising their individuality and being good to themselves, while also communicating their hopes and needs to their spouse. The problem is, you haven’t spoken up and sat in seething resentment when you could have faced everything head on.

If you’re having a mid-life crisis, you’ll probably feel ignited and in a narcissistic frenzy for about two years. Those who stand in the way will likely be discarded or disregarded. You will come back to balance eventually, and when you do, I hope your family is still there.

If I choose to separate or divorce, how do I do it?

Anyone who has been divorced has war stories to tell. When it comes to stress-inducing things that can happen to people, divorce is right up there with losing a loved one, your home, or having a life-threatening illness. One of the reasons it is so terrible is that our brains process it as a threat to our lives. Being in a marriage crisis does the same thing, of course. Your sympathetic nervous system is activated like a dog that sees a squirrel, and like the dog, you want to run after the squirrel, which to you, represents freedom. In a marriage crisis, your spouse, who probably doesn’t want divorce, will be in fight mode of the fight, flight or freeze response. They will want to do anything and everything to save the marriage, which will be a huge turn off to you as all your brain will allow now, is for you to get as far away from them as you can.

If you still are ambivalent about divorce, but feel stuck in not knowing what to do, then you probably need to separate, at least briefly and no longer than six months, to help yourself come out of activation and assess rational thinking and processing. No one should make major decisions like divorce when their sympathetic nervous system is firing.

No matter what you do, you must work with a family therapist who knows something about marriage crisis and the nervous system. Do not do this alone. I have created a document for couples who want to separate the right way, called a Managed Separation[2]. It gives you a purpose and guideline for every aspect of trial separations. Take the document to a family therapist and ask them to be the manager of your separation.

Most individuals who tell me they plan to divorce also say they want it to be as peaceful and amicable as possible, but my experience is that sooner or later, the divorce process brings out the worst in people. This is because (again) the sympathetic nervous system is firing, and when we go into fight, flight, or freeze we act like immature teenagers. It is one of my life goals to put an end to going low in divorce, and it is my hope that you will dedicate yourselves to controlling yourselves if divorce is the path you choose.

If you’re divorcing and have children, there is no excuse whatsoever to do anything but be reasonable, rational, and conduct yourselves in a way that is in their best interest. Know this truth right now: Children come first during separation, divorce and post-divorce, what you want and need comes second, and that will remain so until they are raised. If you want to keep yourself in the number one spot, stay married to the mother or father of your children and maintain the hierarchy most healthy families follow … parents at the top of the totem pole, then kids. For divorced folks with kids, it’s kids first, you second.

If either partner decides to misbehave in the divorce process, it’s usually because one threatens to take the children, destroy their partner’s life, refuses to share fairly, or decides to make them miserable in some egregious way — I’ve heard nasty threats hundreds of times. Let me clear: There’s absolutely no excuse for that. Judges are not going to take children away from parents who aren’t perfect, i.e., those who drink, smoke pot, cheat, lie, don’t have much money, or have a crazy family. If they did, almost all children would be taken away. You will not be able to control how your ex manages the children when they are with them, so you need to learn to soothe yourself when things go on you don’t like. Unless it’s abuse and bona fide child endangerment, stay out of how the other parent parents. Neither the Decider nor the Leaning-in partner have any business being the one who decides what’s best for a child over the other parent. You may think you’re the better parent and should have the most say, and perhaps you are far more responsible than your soon-to-be-ex, but the law doesn’t look at it that way.

All of that aside, once lawyers get involved, things are likely to happen throughout the divorce process that will send you through the roof with rage. That is because lawyers are trained to be adversarial, meaning war-like, drawing blood to win. They wear people down with nasty letters labeling you in a pejorative way, an initial offer so low and unfair that your ability to survive post-divorce is threatened, attempting to limit your time with children or removing access to beloved possessions or shared properties. The stories are endless. How is one to get through it in one emotional piece?

Mediation and Collaborative Law

Thankfully I’m not the first person who wanted to stop the acrimony that often comes with divorce. Years ago, judges tired of hearing couples nitpick over ridiculous things and encouraged them to go to mediation before bringing their issues into a courtroom. The mediation process involves two rooms, your lawyer, your estranged spouse’s lawyer, and a mediation attorney. Usually, each side sits in a separate room, and the mediation attorney goes back and forth between the rooms with offers to settle the case. Hopefully, an agreement will be reached at some point, everyone signs off on it, and afterwards the official papers are drawn up signed, and the divorce will soon be granted.

All it takes is one stubborn, non-compromising spouse or one who doesn’t want to be fair to make this process a waste of time. In some states mediation is required, but my warning to you is that if you want to get the divorce process over with, come in prepared to be fair and reasonable, or save your time and money. I am also telling you that you must be fair and reasonable if you have children, because we want to put their needs and wants above your own, remember? Kid’s needs first, your needs and wants second.

In 1990, a Minneapolis family law attorney named Stu Webb began a policy of refusing to represent a client if the opposing party resorted to disputing the case in a courtroom, and this ultimately influenced the development of a new type of divorce process known as collaborative law. [3] Collaborative law, as described by the American Bar Association, is a process where both parties agree to negotiate everything outside of the courtroom. As collaborative attorneys are hired, a written agreement is signed by all lawyers and clients agreeing that no one makes use of or threatens to use the court process. If any person breaks the agreement, both lawyers are fired and the clients enter the adversarial process with new lawyers, where several pounds of flesh will be extracted, and damage will be done.

In my mind, collaborative law is the only sane way to go in divorce. Other advantages to it are that often mental health therapists, neutral financial consultants, and other specialists join with a couple in the process to help them come to the healthiest outcome that is in the highest interest of all. By all reports, judges like working with couples who choose this route, as it helps keep their courtrooms “from being cluttered with litigation cases.”[4]

Discuss the idea of collaborative law with your estranged spouse as a healthy option for families who are going through divorce. If you can both agree, search for collaborative lawyers in your area and get the process started. You won’t regret it.

Since the divorce process is so stressful, I highly suggest each step be taken slowly. Of course, the instinct is to get over with as quickly as possible, but that may not be the healthiest choice. One of the most common mental disorder diagnoses is Adjustment Disorder[5], and in divorce, I’d be shocked if every family member didn’t experience it, because it’s a lot of change in a short period of time, and humans can only tolerate so much. You’ll likely see it show up as stress and anxiety, depression, anger.

With all that in mind, what if, for our own mental and emotional health, we tiptoed into the divorce process in a way that people had the time to adjust to change, and have time to sort through what works best and what’s really important to them? I envision it as bringing a family through a major change process by letting them down easy, rather than the kick the person out of the car and lay rubber down the highway approach.

As we know (and based on my personal and anecdotal experience), couples are usually activated for up to two years because of all that happens in the divorce process.[6] When we are activated our brain (again) is in survival mode and rational decision-making isn’t online. What if a couple planning to divorce went to their separate spaces and began their lives apart, but put off going through the legal process until more calm and reasoned thinking is possible?

There is a lot of wisdom behind this idea. First, if you have never separated and move straight into divorce, it will be quite a shock to your system. “With no gradual period of separation for the actual physical parting, the shock and distress of dissolution may be great …” say Joy and David Rice, authors of Living Through Divorce: A developmental approach to divorce therapy. Though a couple may know in their mind that the separation or divorce is imminent, “relief and respite are likely to be mingled with feelings of depression as one comes to the final realization that the relationship loss is likely to be permanent.”[7]

The Rice’s recommend a period of separation where each person receives individual therapy and the couple enters into a divorce therapy process that will facilitate rational and equitable problem-solving and compromise on all the issues the couple are facing, such as custody, support, and property division.[8] In the divorce therapy process, feelings and resentments will be worked through and each person will focus on their own growth and understanding. Divorce therapy is most successful when a therapist can get each individual to steer away from blaming one another and move toward what’s best for the family as a whole. This is the strategy I recommend, as it is all about emotional healing and having support, getting two people to a place where they are calm and rational enough to make wise decisions. I wish it was required of all divorcing families.

Hire a family therapist experienced in marriage crisis, a divorce therapist for you as a couple, and a collaborative lawyer for each of you to make the process as peaceful as you can. Negotiate your settlement as much as you can with your divorce therapist. It will save you money and anguish. Go along with what the law in your states command you to do, for example, if your state requires child support, don’t tell your spouse you won’t pay it. This kind of defiance is what creates the acrimony I am begging you not to engage in.

In the end, you have to make splitting up a thoughtful decision, and you have to control yourself, your behavior and what you say. There is no easy way out, but no one ever regrets taking the high road in divorce.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas*, and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager® . She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother relationship show on You Tube, and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, and as a life coach via teletherapy. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com.

*For licensure verification find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

[1] Chapman, G. D. (2010). The five love languages. Walker Large Print. This is the book I recommend to couples who want to keep their love stoked over the long haul.

[2] Managed Separation documents are available on my web site, www.MarriageCrisisManager.com.

[3] American Bar Association web site. https://www.americanbar.org/news/abanews/publications/youraba/2018/july-2018/neither-mediators-nor-negotiators–collaborative-lawyers-emphasi/

[4] ABA web site

[5] Adjustment disorder (stress response syndrome) is a short-term condition that happens when you have great difficulty managing with, or adjusting to, a particular source of stress, such as a major life change, loss, or event. In 2013, the mental health diagnostic system technically changed the name of “adjustment disorder” to “stress response syndrome.”

Because people with stress response syndrome often have some of the symptoms of clinical depression, such as tearfulness, feelings of hopelessness, and loss of interest in work or activities, adjustment disorder is sometimes informally called “situational depression.” Source:

[6] Rice, J., Rice, D. (1986). Living through divorce: A developmental approach to divorce therapy. Guildford Press.

[7] Rice et al.

[8] Rice et al.