Empathize today or lose your relationship tomorrow.

Just about every adult knows that the characteristic described as empathy is a desirable trait. Without it, interactions between two people become very problematic, as I see weekly in my marriage therapy practice, with at least 50 percent of the couples I work with, at some point, declaring, “(Insert partner’s name here) has NO empathy.”

I explain the concept of empathy so often that I have to believe a lot of people don’t know what it is. So today we’ll lay it all out, and as a result I imagine this will be one of the most shared articles I’ve ever written. Why? Because so many people want and need it, and don’t get it.

I think part of the confusion about what empathy is has to do with the fact that there are different types. To be able to communicate to your partner what it is you want, you need to identify the type it is that scratches your itch, and tell your partner, “See this? This type of empathy is exactly what I need.”

So here are the three types of empathy:

Cognitive empathy is when we can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and attempt to see things from their perspective. This can be very helpful in processing situations that make no sense to you, or when people are apt to make surface conclusions or judgments about something someone has done. Example: Why did the wife hide the receipts from the dress shop? Is it because she is deceitful and spends money she doesn’t have?

Answer: When we learn the rest of the story, which is absolutely crucial before making conclusions about things we hear, we find that she hides the receipts because her husband’s reaction is intensely negative whenever he sees receipts for things he deems unnecessary. The wife works and makes plenty of money, and so does he, but he is extremely frugal and has values that include not spending money on things that are not absolutely needed. She hides receipts to avoid his negative reaction. The cognitive empathy perspective helps us understand the woman’s situation in total, and say, “You know, I’d probably do that, too, in those circumstances. She’s not deceitful at all, she just can’t be herself around him. That is really sad.”

Emotional empathy is the kind where someone actually tunes in to the same pain you are feeling, and feel it themselves. We cannot expect that anyone do this, as people feel what they feel, and feelings cannot be manufactured. When I feel emotional empathy toward something or someone it typically catches me by surprise, like watching a commercial ad that moves me, or seeing a story on the news, or hearing a story from a client that just cuts me to the quick in the cruelty that one human being heaped on another, and I literally tune into and feel their pain in that moment.

Compassionate empathy is simply caring a great deal about what is going on with someone who is going through a trial or tribulation of some sort. The issue they are experiencing can be anything from a hangnail to a major chronic illness or impending death, it really doesn’t matter what it is, what matters is they are feeling distress. This is the kind of empathy that I see men and women starving for in their relationships, the kind that that so many people don’t receive.

Here is a typical example: The wife comes home later than usual from work and says, “I am just frazzled! I have so many things going on I can’t think straight, then, I had to go to the grocery where the lines were long, and they were training someone new and he was so slow. I just am at the end of what I can handle today!”

Right here is where the listener can either make or break an opportunity to offer compassionate empathy. The only thing this woman really needs is for her listener to care that she is in such a tizzy, to care that she is overloaded, that her life is, at least for this moment, unmanageable, and to verbalize that in a kind and loving way. Something like, “Honey, I am so sorry that your life is so stressful right now. Can I help you in any way?”

My husband says men are not on the wavelength to empathize with a complaining partner, and this will be like learning a foreign language to them. “They need to be hit on the head,” he says. “We didn’t learn this growing up, so we need to be told that this is how we should behave. If we didn’t see it in our family growing up we don’t know it is a necessary and healthy response to a complaining wife.”

But where listener/responders go off the rails is in judging the situation the person in distress is in to see if it is worthy of such upset, how it could have been prevented, telling them how what they did was wrong, or how other people are suffering far worse somewhere in the world, or offering solutions on how to fix it All of these responses will fall flat and do damage to your relationship, so you should not do it. A word on unsolicited advice: It is always unwelcome, no one likes it, and it breaks the laws of appropriate boundaries. In appropriate boundaries, we do not offer other adults insight or advice without their invitation or permission. If you feel you have the perfect solution, then after the moment of stress, and after things have settled down, ask, “May I offer a suggestion?” If your love does not want to hear or consider your suggestion, then step back and do not offer it. This is called being respectful.

Think about it this way, we humans love to be around people who are kind, nurturing, non-judgmental, and who offer compassionate insight and grace. Our romantic partner should be the ultimate person who does this for us. I tell clients all the time, “If it is not medicinal and uplifting, and not designed to make your partner feel loved, honored and cherished, then don’t say it.”

Now, here is a word about validation. Compassionate empathy needs to include a validating statement from the partner of the person in distress. Validation is the medicine your upset partner needs from you at the moment they cry out, it is like an arm reached out that will lift your love out of the pit of their bad moment. It comes in the form of your soft tone and comforting words, to validate is to say in a loving way, “I hear you, and I care.”

Example:

Partner says, “I am in distress because of X,Y and Z!”

You: Stop what you are doing, come to them and say, “I see that. I hear that you’re having a hard time, I hate that for you, baby, is there anything I can do?”

In a nutshell, marital responses need to offer safe haven from life’s storms, not I told-you-so’s or comments meant to shame or scold. It’s “treat others as you would like to be treated” in similar circumstances. Be kind and tender, loving and caring, or keep your lips closed.

Goal: Because of you loving actions and words, your partner will feel better, not worse. It’s very simple. Shower your partner with loving action when they are in distress, even if you don’t agree with why they are distressed, and even if you think they brought it upon themselves, none of what you think about the situation matters. What matters is your response to the distress, and that must come from the best part of your personality.