Dealing With a Nagging, Bitchy Wife.
Nagging, bitchy women, and dealing with partners who don’t listen.
The quickest way for anyone to get zero cooperation from a woman is to call her a bitch. After that vile word is spoken, she will take pleasure in sticking an imaginary knife into whoever’s heart and twisting it with glee. Even if you have a heart attack five minutes after calling her a bitch and are now wallowing on the floor, she will sit and floss her teeth, scroll the Internet, and order a few things from Amazon before she’ll pick up the phone and call 911. I have a story that goes along with this phenomenon …
In my first, very short marriage, my husband had given me a 1-karat diamond that had been in his family for years. When we decided to divorce, I always planned to give it back. I had absolutely no feelings about that diamond or the ring it was sitting in and just waited for him to ask for it. Mind you, he had run off in the night from Arkansas to Florida with his receptionist, but my love was so dead by then that I didn’t really care. The call came, and he said, “Kathy wants the ring, but I told her you’re probably too big of a bitch to send it back.” Damn. You know what? You’re right. Forty years later, I still have that diamond, which is now a pendant I rarely wear.
Why am I writing about people and the word bitch? When you blog as much as I do, you learn how to find subjects that have a demand, things that readers are looking to find and want to read about. Writing is no fun if no one reads your content, and though I often choose to write about what I enjoy and am interested in, occasionally, I peek at what readers are looking for. So, I scrolled through a list of topics in my niche and found a subject that got my attention — what to do about a bitchy wife. I thought, “Who is asking this question?” I visualized the readers asking this, and the visual wasn’t complementary. Several other things came to mind from reading that phrase — on one level, I couldn’t believe it and wanted to think that, as a culture, we were past that, and on another level, I’m pretty sure we aren’t. Female clients often tell me their partner calls them the B-word, and my response is always the same, “That’s unacceptable.” Why is it unacceptable? Because no one gets what they want when they call another person a nasty name. Therapists tend to recommend helpful actions, things we describe as functional because they work. Name-calling does the opposite of that; it causes damage and resentment and will not lead to positive changes, so why waste your time doing it?
I will address the question of what to do with a nagging, bitchy wife momentarily, and it’ll be great advice you can take to the bank. But the first thing people must understand is if you use the terms bitchy and nagging, you are judging your partner negatively, harshly, and contemptuously. It can’t get worse than that in couple’s communication. The speaker, in essence, is saying, “I am better than you, and I look down on you at this moment.” Your love may gripe and complain, and she may have a bad attitude on occasion, and who doesn’t? Still, to use words like nagging and bitching to describe her grumpy mood or negative mood swings is so verbally abusive to a woman that she won’t be open to hearing anything anyone says after that. Most of us promise to love, honor, and cherish our life mates, so if you still use terms like that, you can be sure you’re falling short on everything you promised.
The word bitch.
People have been calling women bitches since 1400 AD., and it seems to be a term people have chosen to use when women have asserted themselves across history. You might imagine that in this day and time, women are sensitive to being pushed down in any way. In the Middle Ages, though, the word “Bicce” or “bicge” began to evolve into the word bitch. However, it had no negative connotation until the 14th century when it suddenly became common to liken the loose behavior of women to a female dog. (1) The suffragette movement and women’s fight to vote saw a significant increase in the use of the word. Very few women sit around and spend a lot of time pondering why we dislike the word so much, but most innately know it comes from the patriarchal culture that has sought to control women for thousands of years. If a woman asserts herself, she is a bitch, goes the thinking, and if a man asserts himself, he is, well, a man. The message has always been that men can do anything they want and be accepted, and women have strict limitations, which is a significant reason why using the word pisses women off. I have a message for men: women are not going back into the box to be controlled. You’ll have to find another more respectful word when we don’t always go along with what you want us to do. Imagine saying, “Hey, Sue, do you think you’re being a little uncooperative?” Instead of, “Stop being such a bitch.” Which do you think might foster an adult conversation and get you what you want?
Nasty women.
I have met women who are so full of negative energy that I could sense if I came close, they would bite. Men and women like this exist, unfortunately, and their vibes tell us that they want to deflect, not attract, people. Like a usually friendly family pet hit by a car and injured, the dog is fearful, in pain, and intolerant of anyone, even their family, coming near. People with an energy that says, “Stay away,” are the same way. People have hurt them, and they do not trust anyone. Their energy says come near at your peril. Although I am compassionate for these people, as I understand they are wounded, they are incapable of a healthy relationship. It goes without saying that you should steer clear until these people heal and can learn to be in relationships with others without snapping and barking. To describe women like this using the B-word is so short-sighted and compassionless that it’s easy to see why they don’t want to give people a chance. Who hasn’t heard the term, “Oh, she’s just a bitch.”
It’s never that simple. Any woman who is griping needs something. Instead of labeling her, ask her, “What’s going on with you, what do you need?”
How to handle a moody, relentless, or otherwise uncooperative woman.
The happiest people on the planet are those who are flexible and go with the flow. This applies to the various moods your spouse will go through, too. We all can have a bad day or be in a bad mood. When I’m in a bad mood, I tell my husband I am and that if he does anything other than say nice things to me, things won’t go well. Giving your partner a warning is the loving thing to do. Even a therapist who fights for healthy relationships daily isn’t capable of being fabulous all the time. However, in our marriage, my negative attitude is not usually related to him. So, I am asking anyone who has reached their nasty place to give their loved ones a heads-up. If it is about him, tell him so.
Women will tell you that they nag because their spouse doesn’t listen. I take issue with this. The listener probably does listen, but because they weren’t immediately responsive, women conclude they had muted their ears. They had not. They are either pondering what you said, disagree, or do not want to do what you asked right now, or maybe even ever, and they don’t want to deal with the reaction the woman might have. Especially if she has a history of pouncing. The problem lies in the fact that the listener doesn’t say that. Instead, they say nothing at all. Open communication is the way to a happy wife and a happy life. If my husband asks me to look at the finances or taxes, which I always dread, I at least tell him I care not to, or I will, but I will do it later. That way, I am not accused of not listening, and then I figure out how to give him enough of what he wants to satisfy him. Marriage does involve doing things you don’t want to do for the higher good of all, at times, so get used to it.
If a woman feels unheard, she will bring a subject up repeatedly. For ages, men have called this nagging as if it’s a woman’s fault. So, make sure your love feels heard. You can say, “I heard that you want to get a new car. I need time to think about that, and I’ll get back to you about it within ten days or two weeks.” Then you must follow up and do what you told her you would do. If she figures out that you are putting her off and have no intention of addressing her issue, she will return, and when she does, it will not be as pleasant as the first time, and you will likely call her a nag. But she is not a nag. You are unresponsive. And for the record, unresponsiveness damages marriages.
Saying no to your nagging wife is possible if done kindly and diplomatically. I use the term nag to be funny but to be clear, I think the term should be abolished along with the B-word. Nothing good will come from using them when in a female’s company. It screams that you are a judgmental, compassionless incasement of flesh, blood, and bones. Women don’t want to be with partners like that.
Turning a grousing cat into a kitten.
There is an art to getting what you want in relationships, and though this should be obvious, being ugly isn’t it. The good news is that you can change your approach and watch the skies open in your favor. The next time your female partner has a beef, validate her. Humans hunger to be validated, but most listeners don’t do it. Validating people solidifies the bond between you and is a salve for the soul. Not doing it is a missed opportunity of epic proportions. If Becky complains to her husband tonight, she doesn’t want him to fix her problem. She doesn’t want him to say, “Let it go” or “Get over it.” She doesn’t need him to say his day was worse than hers. These things leave her wanting. What she wants and needs is for him to say, “You know what, Becky, I hear that you are distressed about X. I am so sorry about that, is there anything I can do to help you or make you feel better?” The validation process is: 1. Tell your partner I see/hear you, 2. Acknowledge what they are distressed about, 3. Express sympathy and a willingness to help if that is what they need.
A healthy partnership involves kindness, and marriage is supposed to enhance your life. Each partner is responsible for managing their life so they may bring their best self to the marriage. If this doesn’t describe your relationship, you will need professional help to show you how it’s done. Marriage therapists will tell you that if you have marital problems, look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Am I bringing my best self to the marriage?” To come in with your finger pointed at your partner will get you nowhere.
If you are currently the type of person who refers to a woman as a bitch or nag, you are being arrogant and grandiose. It is a stance that says, “I am better than you.” It is to look down your nose in contempt at your fellow human being, which is unacceptable. It is also a failure of your boundary system. We all must restrain ourselves and practice healthy boundaries to get along. Quite a few people don’t restrain themselves ever, and my best guess is that their relationships are a mess. Effective communication with your life partner is always from one adult to another. Not treating your spouse like a child but as your equal. Calling people names is childish; being respectful is behaving like an adult. The self-control and thoughtfulness I discuss are the only way to a happy marriage. You cannot flop out words like a disrespectful teenager whenever you want and expect your family members to thrive.
So, if your wife nags or exhibits bitchy behavior, ask yourself how you may have caused it. Dump the words from your vocabulary and look where you may have ignored and neglected her or not taken her requests seriously. Nagging means she makes repeated requests, and bitchy means she complains. You can use those words instead. Stop blaming her for the result and ask yourself what you have done to get her to that place. Mutual respect is magical in marriage. It’s the best way to get along and to get what you want. I know you can do it.
(1) Brian Loo Soon Ha. Medium article. March 17, 2021
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
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