When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them.

When They Show a Therapist Who They Are, It’s Over.

Oprah tells the story of how she complained about someone to her chosen mother, Maya Angelou, and Maya said, “When people show you who they are the first time, believe it.” This is such great advice, yet based on my experience in therapy, people are repeatedly shown who others are and refuse to accept what is right in front of their faces. How often does one need to get punched in the gut before realizing someone is a gut puncher?

When I was studying codependence and childhood developmental trauma with Facing Codependence author Pia Mellody in Scottsdale, Arizona, she discussed listening and speaking boundaries. She said that when someone opens their mouth, the listener must remind themselves that the speaker’s sole purpose is to show us who they are. What they say is about them, their thinking, and not about us. For example, if a person says that the house is dusty, it shows that they notice dust. It tells us nothing about what they think about dust or what should be done about dust.

Likewise, if they say you are a bum, it tells you what they think about you, how they perceive things, and that’s it. What they say may not be true, which is essential to understand. If it isn’t true, then leave it there. If it is true, then maybe you have some self-reflection to do.

Pia’s concept was an important life lesson. It changed my life and helped me understand that listeners need to be precise and accurate when making meanings; it’s wise to check their own perceptions as they come along and make no presumptions about what a person says to them. If a listener is confused or uncertain about what was said, they should not assume; they should ask for clarification.

Far too many people rely on what they think they heard, and I must tell you, most people’s perceptions are wildly inaccurate. In my experience, most listeners jump to negative conclusions, often take things personally, and make up incorrect meanings, as in making up a story in their heads from thin air. They create unnecessary problems in their lives when they do this. If you think a person is trying to tell you that you are a loser, then you better have the evidence to back it up. Otherwise, it’s meaningless.

Therapists are trained not to assume anything when a client speaks. We listen, ask for detail and clarification, and then confirm that our thoughts align with what the listener is trying to say. We understand that our life experience is not like our clients and that what they may see, think, and feel in a situation may be completely different from what we would see, think, and feel in a similar situation. We sincerely want to know who they are and what they value. It is my fondest desire for all humans to be trained like therapists.

Unskilled listeners often take things personally as an affront and imagine that the mere mention of dust by the other person is a slight about them when it never was. This is one of the most common errors I see couples make. The listener often assumes wrongly, exaggerates what was said, and rarely gives their partner the benefit of the doubt that they meant no harm. When you’re the speaker, it is frustrating when you say the house is dusty, and your partner jumps to a negative conclusion that you are saying it is their fault when you never said that. Eventually, speakers become afraid to say anything about anything, and people call me and say they can’t communicate.

In client sessions, people tell their stories and show me who they are and how they think. Sometimes, what the client tells me reveals deeper emotional problems and personality disorders like egotism, narcissism, paranoia, abuse, addiction, or OCD. In the case of narcissism and abuse, these waving red flags affect personal relationships in the worst ways, and the person who has them probably won’t change. It stuns me sometimes that a malignant narcissist can be so unaware of themselves that they will explain shocking actions or core values or beliefs in a therapy session and go on to say outrageous things about their spouse and think that what they are saying is entirely acceptable when I am sitting there thinking, “Man, you just showed me who you are, your true nature, and it’s not a good thing.”

If I call a person out for any of this outrageousness, it’s because I want their spouse to hear it, not because I think the abusive person will wake up and be different. So many spouses in marriages like this wonder if they are being abused or if there is something seriously wrong with their partner, but at the same time, they doubt themselves and many times wonder if they are the ones who are crazy. Hearing me validate that their mate’s actions have been shameless and abusive can change a lot of things for an oppressed person in the healthiest sense. I receive many emails following sessions from spouses who are married to narcissistic abusers thanking me for validating what they had been thinking. Many times, I end up seeing that person alone moving forward.

I once spoke with a couple on the brink of divorce. The husband had many beefs with his wife and hoped she might consider an amicable parting. When I began to explore if the marriage might be saveable, he said her refusal to get post-pregnancy plastic surgery to repair her body cosmetically and her violent opposition to his hiring escorts who had better physiques were deal killers for him. I looked at her, beautiful in every way, and she looked exhausted.

My professional mask was difficult to maintain, as I almost couldn’t believe what I heard, but I reminded myself, “He’s showing me who he is.” I poked around, seeking more information, trying, hoping to understand, thinking that surely it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

He reiterated his stance and spent even more time denigrating his wife’s appearance and his need for escorts, so I finally gave up and concluded, “This man is hopelessly immature, an egomaniac, probably a narcissist, definitely an abuser, and living in the shallow pool of life,” and so I told him so. I knew I’d never see him again when I said it, but I did it for his lovely wife and the mother of his children. Following the session, I received an email from her thanking me and saying she felt validated for the first time.

The following day, he had also written me a message:

“Thanks for the expensive, useless waste of my time. Your assessment was extremely biased and founded on a single visit that was fraught with emotion. You chose to believe the victim story over raw honesty. You are a borderline scam artist, housewife, and life coach.”

A housewife? “Damn, that’s harsh,” I thought.

Experienced therapists can quickly make sense of things, especially when clients show us who they are in session, which he had done. Once that happens, there is no denying it. I wanted to be wrong about this man; I wanted him to show me that my mind was misperceiving what he was saying, but he insisted that this was where he was and that what I was thinking was correct. I had done my due diligence in seeking the truth.

Narcissists blame and demonize the messenger, of course, and abusers shame and toss out insults and pejoratives, and he did all of that in his first note and a second one a few hours later that shamed me for how many times I’ve been married. Of course. That’s the obvious place to go when seeking to insult a marriage therapist.

In the end, wise ones, remember: When people show you who they are, believe them, preferably the first time.

If you enjoyed this, then might like these … https://medium.com/unfaithful-perspectives-on-the-third-party/you-may-be-to-blame-if-your-relationships-are-toxic-9324e2c86de8

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.

She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News, and is the author of “I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out” published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster, and to be released February 4, 2025. She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a therapist in Arkansas and Texas, and as a life coach elsewhere. She is also host of the YouTube channel Marriage Crisis Manager. Her practice is all telehealth via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

• For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.