Does Kevin Costner’s estranged wife Christine want too much?

A marriage therapist weighs in on their all-too-public divorce.

Whether you’re rich, poor, famous or a peon, divorce is the pits, but if you’re as rich and famous as Kevin Costner, it’s probably just a tad easier than it is for the rest of us. Why? Because his life isn’t going to change that much. He’ll still be rich, famous, and be able to do pretty much whatever he wants for the rest of his life. The people who fare less well are the ones who have to endure the more drastic changes. Costner’s estranged wife and former model, Christine Baumgartner, 49, who put all of her eggs in a rich man’s basket over 18 years ago, may be one of those people. As a Marriage and Family Therapist and marriage crisis manager, I have pondered what it’d be like to work with these two.

For spouses who tie their caboose onto an already established train engine of success like Costner, whom Baumgartner met after he built his brand, and who have not developed a way to support themselves well should things not work out, there will be blood come divorce time. From Ms. Costner’s point-of-view, post-divorce life is about short and long-term survival, and that means clawing and twisting anything and everything a person can for a hefty financial settlement. Predictably, Baumgartner’s lawyer is fighting the prenuptial agreement that would likely send her down the hatch to a much different way of life, but also working for her to keep her lifestyle the same. While the world grimaces seeing the estranged couple’s court docs, insane attorney’s fees and irreconcilable differences aired publicly, like Costner’s desire to have her exit their family home asap and her demands of almost a quarter of a million a month in spousal support, court filings tell us that what’s really going here is they have Rich Folk Problems.

Not to diminish the pain of divorce, as it is a horrible experience for anyone, even wealthy people, but should anyone be entitled to have the same uber extravagant lifestyle for life because of the talent, skills and hard work of another? California may think so, but I’m not so sure. I personally think a person in this situation should not be left destitute, but should not expect to get a divorce settlement that allows a super-rich, jet-setting lifestyle. A really nice home with good security, enough monthly income to take care of the kids and get you launched in whatever career you choose moving forward, perhaps a nice savings to give you security, and that should be enough. The family’s judge has ruled that their prenup is valid, according to court documents, but Mr. Costner is still going to have to pay the former handbag designer more in a month than most of us make in a year (or even two) in child support, which temporarily is $129,755. I don’t know about anyone else, but I could have well supported myself and my two children on that amount and never complained a peep, even in Santa Barbara. I would have said, “Thank you,” and gone on to my new single mom life. It remains to be seen if that will be the final monthly payment, but hey, I’d settle for chump change of $60k, no problem. He offered her $51,940 and I’d have been okay with that, too. The question is, what is fair and reasonable?

Having worked with hundreds of women who put their lives in the hands of a male provider who decided to leave them, or who they wanted to leave, I believe all people should prepare themselves with a Plan B to support themselves should that high-risk deal not work out. I beg women to go back to school, get training, become an entrepreneur. Find something that will give you a living wage so you have options in your life and are not at the mercy of others for your survival. Keep those skills in your back pocket if you choose to be stay-at-home mom. I understand that after years of marriage, child-raising and accommodating a family, it can be an intimidating and difficult time re-entering the career world, but time and again I have seen my frightened clients do it, while surprising themselves at their ability to excel and move up the ladder.

Where the estranged spouses live, in a Santa Barbara compound on the beach worth $145 million, Costner previously owned, so that will be his. That’s as it should be. Without the prenup California law says that Mr. Costner would have had to pay 40 percent of his net monthly income in spousal support. Ms. Baumgartner has made it be known he makes about $2 million a month. Even though he could fork it over and probably not miss it, I think that’s too much to ask. The state also has what is called a Rule of 65. If Ms. Baumgartner’s age (49) plus the number of years married (18) add up to 65 or higher, they may receive spousal support indefinitely. Does anyone think that’s fair? In any event, the Field of Dreams actor will be paying a bundle in child support, private school tuition, health care expenses and setting up Baumgartner in a new residence while sharing joint custody and other expenses.

If I was empress of the United States, I would make divorce terms the same for everyone, no matter what state you’re in. Does it make sense that in some states like Texas, with divorce laws meant to fit a rich man’s fantasies, Ms. Baumgartner would end up almost poverty stricken overnight, while in others she ends up with a half of Costner’s reported $200,000 a month income? I don’t think so, and for kids, seeing mom live like a pauper while dad lives in luxury is traumatizing. Too many people I’ve worked with spoke of their anger they felt as a child that their mother’s life ended up that way.

I’ve worked with numerous men and women who had experienced windfalls in their professional careers and bitterly resented handing over half of what they saved. I felt for them, but the law is the law. Surely there is something that could be worked out that is more fair. No matter how you look at it, something is wrong with divorce in the USA, it’s too ugly and acrimonious, and I’d like to se an overhaul for every aspect of it.

For one thing, I think the process should be slowed down. Too much change in a short time isn’t good for anyone, especially children. Moving your wife out in 30 days? That’s not much time, and stinks to high heaven, just on a human being level. You have your entire lives ahead, what’s the rush to file papers and enter into a legal process that rips families apart? Giving human beings time to adjust is in every person’s best interest. I have no idea how the Costner’s handled their marital issues prior to this marriage crisis, but I believe they should have worked through most of their issues with a divorce therapist, before ever calling an attorney, and perhaps even tried a trial separation to see if divorce is really what they want. A lot of people end up divorced prematurely, who could have worked things out. If either Costner wasn’t amenable to changing before, for example, time apart may have created that motivation. Baumgartner’s surprise filing was not the way I would advise anyone to go about their split unless the spouse getting left is a dangerous boundary offending abuser. I would love to know why she was in such a hurry to file, but as insight, almost all cases I’ve had like this, someone was cheating. Baumgartner cryptically said she was holding her reasons tightly to protect the family.

Also, I don’t believe a person should end up with half of what a super-rich and famous person has earned any more than I feel they should end up destitute. Do you? I sincerely want to know. I also feel that if you signed a prenuptial agreement that you probably ought to honor it. Anyone disagree? So, what is fair? Not even Jeff Bezo’s wife, MacKenzie Scott, who was involved from the start in Amazon, got half.

Part of what is off the rails in this divorce is the leaked details of all the court actions to the press. Neither estranged spouse will come off pretty in this department. What looks worse, estranged wife Christine Baumgartner trying to beat down the Yellowstone star into meeting her various financial demands by revealing his bank account details and how he spends his money, the ridiculous lifestyle they lead (yes, I envy it … sort of), or him leaking her greedy demands, the fact that he underwrote two failed businesses she started, and that she was spending a lot of time with one of their male beach house tenants? Do we want to know the nasty details? Probably. Should we know them? Not if we cherish their children’s privacy and continued well-being, for it is they who will pick up the tab for Baumgartner’s decision to take the kamikaze dissolution of marriage action, the former couple’s mutual leaking of dirty details, the nastiness and revelations of just how rich they really are, and the insinuation by Baumgartner that her estranged husband is kicking their kids out of their home.

I predict Baumgartner will be screamed at in airports and grocery stores for years to come for her perceived money grab. Probably in front of her kids. The children’s privacy should have been guarded at all cost, and it was not. The kids will be teased about their parents divorce and how rich they are. They will want to hide in a hole or worse. Now they will be People magazine and Us Weekly fodder. In my opinion, if Ms. Baumgartner wanted to maintain the lifestyle she has had for the last 18 years with Mr. Costner, she should have stayed Mrs. Costner and worked things out. How bad can things be when you’re married to a handsome, wealthy, famous, Oscar winner who would be a first wrung mate consideration in almost any woman’s book? (In all of the leaks, nothing about abuse or bad behavior on Mr. Costner’s part as been revealed.)

John Dutton would have have taken Ms. Baumgartner in a horse-drawn carriage to the bus station, leading her to believe they were headed out on a second honeymoon. Seriously, I think Costner ought to belly up to the bar, give Ms. Baumgartner more than the prenuptial agreement states, make sure she will be financially secure, but perhaps not living a life of super luxury, and be done with it. This is for the children’s well-being, and it’s the right thing to do. These two need to go quietly into the night, dedicate themselves to raising their three children as their number one priority, be friendly and cooperative co-parents, and forget new romances until that job is done.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., aka “Doctor Becky,”is a Marriage & Family Therapist and journalist who writes about childhood developmental trauma, family relationships, and marriage crisis. She practices as a therapist in Arkansas and Texas, and as a life coach throughout the USA. Dubbed “America’s Marriage Crisis Manager,” you can follow her on You Tube, Twitter, Threads, Facebook, and Linked In. Her web sites are www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com