Why the Wimpy Guy is a Frequent Cause for Divorce.
Men: Don’t Shoot the Messenger, Instead, Change Yourselves.
Believe it or not, one of the contributors and causes of divorce I’ve seen over the years is a wife thinking her husband is wimpy because women don’t respect and don’t want to have sex with wimpy, pleaser men. I wrote about this in the Huffington Post in 2016 and got quite a lot of hate mail from embittered males. I know negative truths are painful for humans to hear, but readers need to grow up and face all the ugly truths about themselves that take them down personally and in relationships. I write these articles to try and achieve that, and you can take or leave the sage advice I toss out. A reader asked me to write something about wimpy men last week, and I told him I already had, but since the article is 8 years old, it’s probably due for an update. Here it is …
A client recently called and asked for an urgent appointment alone. She and her husband have been having marital problems and seeing me primarily because of one potentially relationship-ending issue: “I’m sick and tired of being with a wimp!” she said.
I understand.
Unfortunately, women who complain about their man being weak, indecisive, too accommodating, passive, unmotivated, and pussified have a point. Dealing with the issue in therapy is a tough nut to crack, however, because the last thing wimpy men want to face is the fact that they are weak or wimpy. It’s not manly; it is the ultimate insult, and I sincerely don’t mean it as an insult. I know most men have a lot of pride and ego about being a man, but I need to find a way to put these guys in front of a mirror and say, “Look at yourself. Do your actions match who you are?” I want to do that because I know the answer is no, and it’d be an opportunity for growth and change.
In therapy, I listen to a couple’s stories and make note of potential issues along the way. I return to them later with questions and clarifications. If wimpy potential shows up on my radar, I poke around with a few questions and often conclude that the man has indeed shed his instinctual take-charge manliness and turned himself into a wimp, softie, or pleaser, as I like to call them, then I’ve got to use my most artful communication skills to deliver the news.
If not delivered delicately and respectfully, the man, who deep inside probably doubts the depth of his masculinity, will protect his fragile ego by switching the blame to me and cast the therapist as a ball-busting, weenie-roasting, man-hater and refuse to return to therapy — opportunity lost.
Sorry, guys, I do love men. But I especially love healthy men. I want your lives to be better in every way. I know when a man has lost a part of himself, his masculinity, that it will injure him and his marital relationship, and the odds of divorce are going to be pretty high. I broach the topic of masculinity because I know it may save what you hold dear: your committed relationship.
If I can get him to agree that something is amiss and get him to understand he is not living his life as his authentic self and is likely playing the role of pleaser and nice guy,* the possibilities of changing the relationship from unhealthy and dysfunctional to thriving are tremendous. The pleaser part must be dismantled, and we must find who we are underneath that and live true to that person. This is THE recipe for inner peace and contentment.
How the Problem Begins
So first, let’s understand what happens to too many of our precious men who unwittingly get caught up in being pleasers, explain the behavior, and then learn what in American culture triggered the epidemic. After that, we can change the world, including women.
Almost all of us take on toxic shame in our childhoods, which is the core belief that we are defective or something is wrong with us. Once we take on toxic shame, we make the misguided decision that our true, defective self must be hidden, so we create a new false self to protect us through life. The false selves humans create are countless, but the most common ones I see are rebel, under-achiever, victim, blamer, over-achiever, perfectionist, caretaker, and, of course, the pleaser.
Pleasers exist in our society in the millions, and you will find them in both genders.** It happens soon after we take on toxic shame, usually by experiencing painful rejection or disapproval. A child doesn’t like rejection and disapproval, which hurts their feelings, so it makes sense for them to choose a winning formula to help them avoid that. Humans are adapters, and they do it to avoid pain. So they conclude something like: “Hey, I’ll always be nice, cheerful, and accommodating, will give tirelessly and make everyone else happy, then I’ll get what I need in return.” Then, they set out on the path of the pleaser, and then, Lord, help us all. Full disclaimer: I am a recovering pleaser.
So, while the pleaser gives selflessly, they receive little in return; the helpfulness ledger in their head says they’re in the red, and they resent this intensely. This creates the fertile ground on which he and his wife will present in therapy — usually in one of two scenarios:
1. The wife is no longer sexually attracted to her husband, or he has become (from her perspective) asexual. She wants him to take charge, make plans, have a strong opinion, exhibit passion about life and her, take a stand against people who mistreat them, be more adventurous or take a business risk, or just “be more of a man.” She asks him to take over some of the planning and decisions, but he doesn’t.
2. The pleaser has been waiting for his partner to figure him out and meet his needs, but she hasn’t because he hasn’t asked for anything and she cannot read minds. Stored resentment becomes combustible, and one day, he erupts like a volcano, suddenly spewing the brutal truth about what an inconsiderate, selfish, cruel, and horrible woman he is married to. She is dumbfounded. He either wants out or will stay and enter a period of self-absorption, noncooperation, and hostility.
When young men in high school see jerks and assholes receive the hearts and attention of women they might like to have for themselves; they often conclude that assholes win. This is not true, of course, because unhealthy, dysfunctional women are attracted to jerks and assholes. Healthy women will not tolerate them. So after dating numerous assholes, a pleaser can be like a glass of fresh water for women seeking to be healthy.
Unfortunately for all of us, the recipe for marital failures is now in place because he is a phony, a pretender, and plays a role to get along in life, but his end goal never comes about because he doesn’t communicate it.
Women, exhausted with the low-hanging asshole fruit in our culture, are happy to turn to and find someone kind.
The pleaser is delighted he can attract women seeking nice men, and he feels confident he has chosen the right game plan. As I said, the problem for his future bride is that his kindness is all an act; underneath is a dude who’d like to have his say. That’s what I want to know when I ask a man to look in the mirror. Who are you underneath that pleaser’s facade? He’d be so much happier if he’d just be himself.
Men, more interested in their short game, fail to understand that their decision to play the nice guy role will be their eventual marital downfall. What nice guys get right is that women want a kind man who helps, gives, and accommodates; what they get wrong is that they also wish to, and must have, a strong man, decisive man to feel sexual chemistry. The complaint I hear over and over is that sexual chemistry and desire are gone for the woman, there is a lack of intimacy, and when she looks at her husband, all she sees or feels anymore is brother or close friend material, not someone she wants to throw down and make love to all afternoon.
The male pleaser often finds it challenging to understand this when they first come in, but the wife immediately gets it when I explain it and says, “Oh my God, that’s exactly it!”
The deal the pleaser makes with the devil is that life will be more peaceful, and he’ll ultimately get what he wants if he lets the woman have her way: “Happy wife, happy life.”
But when it comes to sex, his plan becomes a complete turn-off over time. Women looking for that masculine fuel don’t find it.
All you have to do to find out what makes a woman hot under the collar is to pick up any romance novel and read about the male hero — he’s always a sexually passionate man who is kind but strong as hell. He is wildly attracted to his woman and lets her know it in every way possible; he takes charge, knows what he wants, is determined, action-oriented, always has a plan, and will go to the end of the earth and slay dragons to show his love for and protect his lady. This is erotica for women.
In romance novels, the woman feels adored, cherished, and safe by his side. No man in these books does laundry and says, “Yes, dear, we can do whatever you want.” Don’t get me wrong, women need and want help around the house, but they also need a strong male hero who is decisive, sure of himself, confident, a man with a plan, and who enthusiastically shows his desire for her to feel sexually desirous of him. This is a slightly exaggerated version of what most women want in a man.
Wife: Where do you want to go to dinner?
Husband: I don’t care. You pick it.
That is not the kind of dating interaction that makes a woman say to herself, “I want to throw my man down and devour him sexually any way I can!” What might do that is this:
Husband: I was looking at you yesterday and thinking what a sexy and fabulous beast you are, and I want to take you to that restaurant you love, “Chez Wonderful Food,” and show you off and treat you how you deserve to be treated. You are the queen of my heart! I’m so excited about it that I will buy a new shirt. I hope you want to go because I want to be with you and show you I know how lucky I am.”
Husbands must do the work that causes them to appear on their wives’ romantic and sexual radar. They do that by doing things the male hero does and showing their masculine energy by being confident, decisive, a planner, fun to be around, expressive, and thoughtful.
If a wife has to be dominant in the relationship with a man, there will be sexual chemistry issues. If a passive man hands the family football over to her, she must use masculine energy to take charge, decide and plan things, and push for responsibility or fun. Staying in our masculine energy too much is draining to a woman. Our natural setpoint is feminine energy. She may like him and enjoy his company. Still, she has no desire to bang his bangles because she is forced to be in her male energy to get life done, and since her husband is a male, and there are no polarities of masculine and feminine energy, there will be no sexual chemistry.
Women are already forced to be in their male energy in most careers. We want to turn that off at home and be soft and vulnerable with our firm, kind man. If we’re forced to be the man energetically, we’ll conclude that we don’t need you for that much.
The Secret
How do men turn into wimps? For thousands of years, male and female roles were stereotypical and traditional. Most men were dominant and worked or hunted and provided, and most women were submissive and stayed at home with the kitchen and kids. Then in the 1960s and 70s, there was a cultural shift, and women began entering the workplace in record numbers — and this was good news for us, but it also changed the marriage game as millions of women were now capable of taking care of themselves began divorcing their dominating, asshole, husbands. The next generation of men observed this and took note.
When people think in black and white, it is harmful to them and others, but that’s what men did when they observed assholes getting kicked out and concluded that they’d better get in touch with their feminine energy and help with kids and around the house, and be very, very nice. Indeed, women don’t want to be married to assholes, but they also don’t want to be married to pleasers and wimpy guys, but there is something in the middle that suits women just right: A kind, gentle, confident, man-with-a-plan MAN.
Is it too much to ask for a man in the middle who is masculine, strong, action-oriented, passionate, take-charge, considerate, and kind?
In the end.
As much as I would love to solve this issue in one blog, the most important thing for now is to raise awareness, as that is the first step in creating change. I feel that the Pleaser Syndrome in both men and women destroys individual happiness, marriages, and families. It hurts our society. There are many ways to start the recovery process, and the books listed below are fantastic resources that I highly recommend. ****
Guys, women need you to step up, spine up, and make our lives easier, more fun, and more exciting. Just because we’re capable of doing everything, we didn’t get married to end up doing everything. You knew that in the first place, didn’t you?
*Identifying information has been changed.
** Both men and women can be pleasers, but I am referring specifically to men in this article. For women, I recommend the book: “Disease to Please,” by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. http://www.harrietbraiker.com/DiseasetoPlease.htm
*** The books below are highly recommended for men and also influenced the content of this article:
1. “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” by recovered pleaser Robert Glover, Ph.D. http://www.drglover.com/
2. “Hold o”Way of the Superior Man,n to Your N.U.T.S., the Relationship Manual for Men. By Wayne M. Levine, M.A. http://goo.gl/7X8ynM
3. “Way of the Superior Man,” by David Deida. http://www.deida.info/
**** At the core, the Pleaser Syndrome is a symptom of codependency. Here are excellent resources:
The book, “Facing Codependence,” by Pia Mellody: http://www.piamellody.com/
2.Al-Anon — for people in relationships with addicts and pleasers: http://www.al-anon.org/
3.CoDA — A 12-step group for people seeking codependence recovery — http://coda.org/
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®.
She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News, and is the author of “I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants Out” published by HCI Books, distributed by Simon and Schuster, and to be released February 4, 2025.
She has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She also has a YouTube Channel called Marriage Crisis Manager where she talks about relationships. She has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy: https://marriagecrisismanager.com/if-you-want-to-better-understand-women-read-this/
And the original article: https://marriagecrisismanager.com/frequent-cause-of-divorce-the-wimpy-guy/
