New Support Options for Your Marriage Crisis

Two-month plan and support options for troubled marriages.

by Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

For years, I have noticed a need for professional help and support of individuals and couples in marriage crises, from when a spouse tells their partner they’re unhappy and may want a divorce or an affair is revealed to reconciliation or divorce and every moment in between. Historically, marriage therapists leave couples with marital problems in the lurch when at least one is not motivated to work on saving the relationship when there is so much more that could be done to help them. Our training doesn’t include extensive discussion and strategies about marital crises, so most aren’t informed about the best ways to help couples.

Divorce therapists have been around a long time, but they are in short supply; also, people don’t seem to be aware they exist, and when you’re forking over thousands to get a divorce, you might think that that’s an expense you don’t need to incur. Plus, that doesn’t meet the needs of family members who aren’t sure they want to stay married and not sure they want to divorce. That’s where what I do comes in.

I started helping couples with marriage problems over 20 years ago and immediately began working to attract those in marriage crisis. I had read the research; my dissertation was all about that, and I knew personally and professionally that no one offered it, at least that I was aware of. Since then, I have found a huge demand and little supply when it comes to helping couples going through some of the most challenging times humans could experience, with so much at stake, especially when children are involved. 

Announcing a New Education and Support Program for Individuals and Couples in a Marriage Crisis

Marriage crisis is so frightening and upsetting that couples need an experienced marriage counselor or family therapist who understands marriages in crisis to cradle them through the process. I feel like when it comes to that, I’m the only game in town, though there might be others who do it, I just don’t know about them.

Here’s the problem: I have limited time and energy to see people in crisis and to do family therapy the way I do it for every marriage that needs it, so my prices are high, knocking out many of those who really would benefit from professional guidance and help. I feel terrible about this. Pondering what to do, I decided to create a two-month program for Leaning-in partners – the ones who passionately want to save their marriage and Deciders – the ones who are thinking about ending the marriage, that includes a weekly book study, and a support group, weekly emails, and twice-a-week instructional and inspirational videos. This should make getting quality help when marriage times are tough more available to more people. I have separate programs for each person in the marriage so I can cater to the unique needs of each side of the marriage crisis equation. 

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing blogs lately, I have been working on creating this program so I can help more people in a way that costs them less money. We just finished work on a new website that will accommodate my new two-month/8-week Phase One Marriage Crisis Education and Support Program, which is the first class you can sign up for now. It launches the first week of November. We hope to start the support program monthly after the New Year, so if you don’t make it to the November 2024 group, you can wait until January and sign up for the next class, and so on. In addition to the program, people in the group can pay extra to be in small support groups or get discounts on meetings with me alone. We skip weeks with holidays, and I promise you will be loaded with information and great advice about the marriage crisis and how to take care of yourself throughout it. I always say I don’t do marriage crises alone, and this is a good way to get support and helpful information at an affordable price and ensure you’re not alone. 

In addition to this, I hope to add more phases to the program, since many marriage crises last beyond two months, and create a program to train other marriage therapists to do the same work I am doing. One of these days, marriage crisis management will be common, if I have anything to do with it, and more marriages will be saved. So, though I love writing this blog more than (almost) anything else, you may not see as many as usual because creating content for these endeavors is time-consuming.

Also, don’t forget that my long-awaited book, I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One Of You Wants to End Your Marriage, by HCI books and distributed by Simon and Schuster, will be released on February 4, 2024, and is available for pre-order now. I suspect this book will increase demand for my services even more, and I will have even less time as I promote it, so joining my Education and Support Program will be even more helpful. So, join us now before we blow up, and learn all you can about what to do in a marriage crisis. Hope to see you soon. 

Good Marriages and Other Important Things

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While here, I want to share what Dr. John Gottman’s research tells us about what qualities predict a good and happy marriage, or even great marriages, that are most likely to last over the lifespan. Unsurprisingly, the more flexible and go-with-the-flow two people in a marriage are, the better the chances of its success are. The fighting style of healthy couples is to laugh things off. The more volatile, needy, high-maintenance, fussy, moody, controlling, or rigid people in a couple are, the worse a relationship will be. Nobody enjoys living with their own personal Kim Jong Un. 

Predictors of divorce are found in marriages with a lot of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and shutting down. When couples call me and say they have communication problems, I know they’re probably doing all of this regularly. For example, If Sue complains to Bob that he is never home and she’s not getting enough quality time, and he gets defensive or makes up excuses, then Sue will soon conclude that she can’t talk to Bob and will eventually lose hope for change. Pretty soon, she won’t bother mentioning when she is upset, which will cause cancer to grow in the marriage, killing respect and creating contempt. Couples can be taught how to improve communication skills and converse without doing anything that predicts divorce in one session. Why don’t people go to marriage counseling and learn how to have healthier relationships before it gets too late? Some do and don’t love their marriage therapist and drop out, but most wrongly don’t think their marriage issues are bad enough to merit couples counseling, or they dread dealing with it so they put it off. I can assure you that if you even think you might need marriage therapy, you do. 

Someone I’m close to recently reached out to tell me of their marriage woes. I asked why they hadn’t contacted a therapist, and the person told me that they thought that was for marriages that were in really bad shape or were on their last breath. Dear Lord, wake up people. I said, “That’s where you will soon be if you don’t go to marriage counseling.” This person is highly educated and as smart as they come, but to think that you wait around trying to figure out what to do on your own when your marriage is experiencing bumps and/or truly struggling is similar to not calling 911 when you’re having a heart attack. It gave me insight into how many people think: “We don’t need it. Yet,” seems to be what I hear the most, and they’re wrong.

I told the person they needed to get to a marriage therapist as quickly as they could dial a phone, and if they didn’t care for the person, look for someone else. Keep looking until you find someone you like, trust, and have a rapport with. How many times have I heard couples say that they have been to marriage counseling several times and didn’t like the therapist? Like dating, you won’t like every marriage therapist you meet. Indeed, as I have shared with readers before, I get fired fairly regularly myself, while others tell me how grateful they are we met. No one will be everyone’s cup of tea, even Doctor Becky. If you don’t want to be told the truth about you, I’m probably not the person to call. Don’t worry; the news will be delivered with kindness, but some people won’t see what I can see about themselves in the first or second session, and if I see it, I will share it. It is never about judgment; it’s all about whether a healthy behavior works in relationships. If it isn’t, you need to know about it, in my opinion. Anyway, since most of our errant behaviors in relationships are caused by childhood trauma, there’s a lot of compassion to be found in someone like me. Let me help you heal from that and be different moving forward. It’s not personal; it’s about correcting the ongoing negative behaviors that create marriage trouble.

Marriage is Hard Even for Marriage Therapists.

Melding two lives together is a challenge for everyone, Dr. Becky included. Like you, I can only control myself. The one advantage I have over most people is that I married after graduate school and having had experience as a marriage therapist. I was keenly aware of what qualities in a person are conducive to solid, healthy marriages. As I dated around, I quickly removed anyone who had marital red flags and kept moving along. I was able to be on my own and felt no urgent need to find a partner, and this is crucial to relationships hoping to have a solid foundation. I wanted someone solid, mature, on the same plane in life as I was, who lacked major problems or baggage, who was grown up and mature, and who enjoyed spending time and focusing on his partner. Having been around mostly workaholics, I was not up for that situation again. 

This person was exceedingly hard to find. I was not aggressively looking; I was okay being alone but was awake and aware. I noticed things and people. I work in a room as a therapist all day, so I knew if I was ever to meet anyone, I needed to be active and out there, and so I was. I accepted invitations, went to community events, and even hung out in my favorite San Antonio drinking hole on occasion, a classy place in the Quarry market called Platti’s. I made many friends there, and eventually, on one of my outings out into the world, I met him. 

For 14 years, we have had good times and are unburdened by many of the challenges many couples I work with face, especially the stress of raising young children. Lucky for us, when we met, we were out of school, our children were raised, and we’d recovered from past relationships. We were established in our careers and knew who we were. These things figured into creating the fertile ground for a healthy relationship. I wish more people were as thoughtful when choosing a lifetime mate. Although who you decide to marry is the most crucial decision for any adult, the next most important thing you can do as a couple is get professional help when and if you start wobbling off course. Please stop trying to manage these things yourself, learn how to have healthy relationships, read all you can about it, and become a student of what healthy relationships look like. 

• Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.MarriageCrisisManager.com and www.DoctorBecky.com . Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
• For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

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