Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You

ByDoctor Becky

Lack of Sexual Connection is Common in Long Term Relationships. Do Something About It.

It’s Probably Not What You Think.

Men and women in relationships are being sexually rejected and they’re extremely frustrated. Their spouse’s lack of interest is ego-crushing and in the end, a big deal. “Is my partner having physiological problems such as erectile dysfunction, low testosterone or hormone levels, is there no more sexual attraction toward me, has my weight gain turned them off?”

“Sandy never initiates sex,” says Bruce, who has been married for 15 years and sits on my couch with his arms locked in front of his chest. “She seems to dread having sex, I don’t even feel like she likes me.”

I look toward Sandy, hoping she doesn’t miss this golden opportunity to have an honest conversation and reassure him. “Of course I like you,” she says. “I am still attracted to you. I do love you. There are reasons for all of this, some I can pinpoint, others, I can’t.”

The reasons Sandy is aware of are: “I am tired, or just not in the mood.” She’s a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and doing most of the managing of two pre-teen children and all their activities. She says life is so full of chores and duties, she just doesn’t think about sex that much.

Later that afternoon, another couple, Sue and husband Jorge have the same issue. Sue points at Jorge and says he has become a sexual slug. “He never comes for me, I feel like I have to beg him to have sex. I feel unattractive and undesired.”

Jorge looks down at his lap and says, “You are attractive and desired, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,”

Sexual frequency and apathy are common marital issues. Lack of sex is a sensitive topic and if it’s ever brought up, it will usually be one person blaming it on themselves and not the other, mainly because the subject of low libido in marriage is so sensitive that most individuals tread very carefully so as not to hurt the other — “We aren’t having sex like we did, it must be me. Something is wrong with me.”

Is it true some things are better left unsaid? If it’s cruel or mean, always, but sometimes difficult truths must come out in the most diplomatic and considerate way. A good way to know if you need to address your lack of intimacy is if it…

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages.

She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom.

You can contact her here. And don't forget to check out her therapy site at DoctorBecky.com. When she's not writing on her own blog, you can find her features on Huffington Post and Medium.

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