When Your Spouse Wants to Leave and Refuses Therapy.
Every week, I receive numerous phone calls and emails from people in a marriage crisis seeking advice. Almost always, the Leaning-in partner reaches out; this is the person whom their partner, The Decider, has told that they think they want out of the marriage and don’t want to go to marriage counseling, at least initially. For all of you in this terrible and frightening predicament, this blog is for you. For those of you in relationships that may one day lead to this experience, read up. There are many lessons to be learned from regretful Leaning-in partners in a marriage crisis who wonder if it’s too late to save their marriages.
The setup for the marriage crisis.
The story is the same almost every time. The Decider has been pointing out relationship problems for some time, maybe even asking to go for couples therapy, and for whatever reason, the Leaning-in partner didn’t take the requests seriously. This is always the fatal mistake, one we can all learn from. If your spouse gets annoyed and asks for change or something to be different, you better believe it is a big deal to them and they are serious. To dismiss them as a gripe or bitch shows arrogance and ignorance, plus a lack of insight, compassion, and respect.
Gripes and bitches become that way when their partner ignores their pleas; this must be clearly understood. A lack of response from their partner in any form and for any reason will plant cancer cells of disillusionment into the marriage’s bloodstream, where they will expand over time, creating a downward, destructive path leading to a marriage crisis. Put another way, the Decider resents and silently seethes, and the feelings worsen over time.
Leaning-in partners tell me they had reasons for not responding to their partner’s repeated requests for change. Either they didn’t think the situation was that bad (ignorance, lack of compassion), felt they could fix the problem alone (ignorance), had an inkling their spouse was barking but would never bite (ignorance), or felt going to a marriage counselor wasn’t for them (ignorance and arrogance). Yes, some people wrongly think they’re so smart they don’t need a trained professional’s assistance.
Marriage therapists are sometimes the Rodney Dangerfields of the mental health field; they get no respect. Becoming a marriage therapist is a long, hard path involving many years of school, reading hundreds of books, studying the research, being supervised for years, and spending thousands of hours of clinical client time. What could we know about relationships and marriages? As for me, I can’t believe how much there is to know about that, and I’m not even close to knowing it all. Understanding the dynamics of a healthy relationship with self and others is a learned skill, like snow skiing or tennis. If you have never had therapy, never studied relationship dynamics, and are just winging getting along with people, I can assure you that you are functioning at the pre-school level of relationship knowledge. I used to be there, too, and man, was I a mess.
If the two have gone to a couples therapist, they put little or no effort into the process and probably dropped out. Yes, friends, let me tell you right now, if you go to marriage therapy, it’s a major commitment; I’m sorry this comes as a shock for so many. How many times have I heard a Leaning-in partner say they went to marriage therapy but didn’t like the therapist or didn’t agree with what they said and then blew it off? They tell friends and family, “It didn’t work,” about marriage therapy, when the family therapist knows it was the couple that didn’t put in the work. There are no quick fixes. You will spend time, focus, and dedication; you must have an open mind and good attitude to do it right and be willing to take all the blame, even if it’s not all on you. Like going to college, the studying and reading part ain’t fun; it can be a grind, and parts of it you will hate, but you do it for the ultimate rewards it will bring, a concept known as delayed gratification. Only people with an adult mindset can tolerate the hard work on the front end for the higher good to come. Childish adults want the immediate, easier payoff.
In an era where dinner and groceries are easily delivered, some clients want marriage therapy and relationship skills spoon-fed to them, like porridge to a baby. Sorry, but you’ll have to go to the store, pick out the food, bring it home, heat it up, serve it, eat it, and clean it up afterward. Marriage therapy is for big boys and girls.
When their lives are on the line, few cancer patients believe they know better than the cancer specialist about treatment plans designed for cure or survival, but when it comes to couples counseling and those of us who work in marriage crisis management, we don’t get the respect cancer doctors do. I guess if we aren’t offering surgery, pills, medicine, and other tangible interventions, people have a hard time understanding its value. I always tell Leaning-in partners that when a couple doesn’t use a specialist to help them through these days of nervous system activations, fear, and mistrust, the result will be like a cat driving a car: you’ll weave all over the road doing damage as you go, then, ultimately, drive off a cliff. If a couple wants to go through traumatic experiences and act like foolish jackasses during a marriage crisis, that’s their business, but when kids are involved, the ones who will surely pay a heavy price for their parent’s ridiculousness, I am up for a fight.
I have an insatiable need to thoroughly understand marriages, relationships, and the marriage crisis dynamic, always seeking the intelligent, best way to do or say what will stop couples from tearing up their lives and the well-being of their children. I have worked with thousands of couples in crisis over the years, researching and writing about it, and yet, I still encounter those who think I am full of it and don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not saying I know it all, or my information is the best there is, to each his own, of course, but I’m always curious: who do they believe does know?
I think one reason the cancer doctor’s advice is taken to heart, and some reject the marriage therapist, or at least decide the process isn’t for them, besides the intangibles I mentioned above, is that the therapist must address a person’s perspective, character, humanity, beliefs, values, behaviors, and other areas that are sensitive and subject to toxic shame provoking feelings the person would prefer not to have. No one enjoys being told they’ve been acting like an arrogant asshole or that what they are doing is completely dysfunctional, but a good therapist can deliver that message without the sting unskilled people do. However, no matter how skilled a therapist is, painful truths must be faced, and humility is the only antidote for that. What do I mean? Maybe you need to hear and face what you do in relationships that don’t work, understand their whys, and work to correct them. That takes courage and a willingness to accept that you are imperfect and flawed, just like everyone else.
Do-it-your-selfers in marriage crisis.
Those who don’t like the news a marriage therapist delivers often create their own next step based on their beliefs and ideas about what is going on, whether correct or not. They may go to other therapists for validation and often search the Internet for gurus and advisors who are on the same page. “Your cancer is easily cured; just pay me, X,” for example. Back when I was in a marriage crisis and in the Decider position, my soon-to-be ex perpetuated the story that I had lost my mind and never said a word about how he had failed me as a partner. He sought answers that fit his theory about himself and us because he didn’t want to believe that a smart, intelligent, and super-successful man like himself could be the opposite of that in relationships.
Those who don’t like what a marriage therapist has to say about their part in a relationship may obsessively copy links to articles and YouTube videos and send them around to get people, especially their estranged partners, to get them to understand their side. This phenomenon reminds me of seeing TV star Farrah Fawcett in a documentary called “Farrah’s Story,” a difficult topic about her two-and-a-half-year fight against anal cancer that ended in her death in 2009. Determined to avoid surgery that would leave her with a permanent colostomy bag, perhaps her only hope, she searched for miracles and alternative treatments and felt as if she’d found it in Germany, where doctors at a hospital there told her they would remove all her cancer using an excruciatingly painful treatment called, chemoembolization. She went six times and was declared by the Germans to be cancer-free over and over, only to find soon after that the cancer was still there and spreading. I remember watching it in horror, knowing she was playing the fool’s game and causing herself unnecessary suffering, but she just didn’t want to accept the reality of her situation, what her cancer doctors had told her would be her best option, and thought she could find something better.
Steve Jobs was another who rejected what was initially suggested as a treatment, surgery, for an often-cured and rare form of pancreatic cancer and felt he knew better, but his decisions early on failed him later on. My message to you is to approach your marriage crisis humbly, admit that you don’t know much, if anything, about it or how to have a healthy marriage or relationship, and that you might benefit from listening to someone who does. Humility saves couples in marriage crisis; pride, ego, and arrogance take them down.
The first thing to do.
The first step in any marriage crisis is to stabilize the situation. Immediately after the initial revelation that the Decider wants to leave or is seriously considering leaving, a couple’s sympathetic nervous systems activate, and their brains enter a full survival and life-threat mode. In this state of mind, you must think of it like a person’s IQ drops by 20 or more points, although that is not what really happens. When a person’s sympathetic nervous system is activated, their cognitive abilities are offline; they act on impulse, things are done that are ugly, unhealthy behaviors, and unnecessary damage occurs. During this period there is a high potential to make things worse, so that is why we must create a plan to stop it. So, how do we stabilize a couple in such a situation?
The Decider’s brain tells them their life is in danger, though it isn’t, and their instinct says to run. What the Decider is running from is the Leaning-in partner. In this state, they imagine that if they stay around the Leaning-in partner, they will die, though they won’t. Meanwhile, the Leaning-in Partner’s brain is feeling a threat, too, and their brain tells them to fight, and to them, fighting means chasing after the Decider and desperately trying to pull them back into the marriage.
Unfortunately, if the Leaning-in partner chases the Decider, it will continue the activation, and they will want to run even further away. To create an opportunity to stabilize the crisis, the Leaning-in partner must rule against their instinct, make themselves stop the pursuit, and spend their energy instead on their own physical, mental, and emotional health. Instead of looking at what the Decider is doing, they must focus on themselves and what they need to change. This is the only healthy way to get out of the terrible feelings that come with a marriage crisis.
If the Leaning-in partner can give the Decider time and space, the Decider may be able to become calm again, where their rational thinking can be accessed. To do this, the Leaning-in Partner must stop all actions that are defined as pursuit, which includes begging, promises, flowers, sending links and videos, email and texting, show-and-tell stories about all the books you’ve read and things you’re doing and have realized, and all other attempts at changing the Decider’s mind. The Decider must be left alone. This initial crisis is like a storm, and we need the storm to quiet down; we must let the dust settle and then see what remains. In short, we need space and time, and major decisions slowed down. Whether a managed separation is appropriate for your situation should be decided with a marriage crisis therapist. If you do separate, it will have a purpose, guidelines, and timeline, and your marriage crisis specialist should oversee it.
If you cannot or will not take my wise advice about leaving the Decider alone and you decide to manage your marital cancer yourself, possibly believing you know best, then the chances that your spouse will choose divorce are extremely high, if not certain. It is the most important, crucial thing any Leaning-in partner can do at this point in a marriage crisis.
Next steps.
The next step is to visit a marriage and family therapist, one well-versed in the dynamics of a marriage crisis. Time and again, Leaning-partners tell me the Decider is in a state of mind where they have no interest in marriage therapy. If your partner won’t go, go by yourself. There are things you need to learn and understand, I assure you. Anyway, marriage crisis counseling and managing a marriage crisis are not to be confused with marriage counseling, whose goal is to repair and heal an injured marriage and to re-establish connection. In a marriage crisis, repairing and healing are off the table for the foreseeable future, and the sole goal is to manage the crisis. This is needed for several reasons: To prevent more damage and to stabilize two people who aren’t currently in a state of mind where great decisions are made.
When you meet with your marriage crisis manager, the therapist will pay attention to what you do and say and tell you when your thinking and processing are off or need examining. This applies to both partners. We want to make sure that when you are thinking and processing, you are doing it in the healthiest possible way, dealing with facts and evidence-based truths, not conjecture, fears, or made-up crap. We will point you away from dysfunctional thinking and toward wise processing and decision-making.
The best thing any couple can do is understand that slowing down the process and any decision-making about the future of the marriage is in the best interest of all involved, especially if children are involved. We want a couple to be able to get through this feeling they have done all they could, whether the marriage survives or not and have few, if any, regrets.
My partner will not go to marriage therapy or seek marriage crisis management.
If your partner will not involve themself in marriage crisis counseling, your only choice is to focus on getting as healthy as you can, yourself, and continue to leave your partner alone. Get individual counseling. As far as what you must do, you must approach your part in the marital problems with humility and fully understand why your partner became disillusioned with you as a partner, whether you believe their feelings are justified or not. Do not share with them what you are learning; do not tell them what you are doing. Just do it. They will see it, and they will notice. Do not be pitiful; do not make excuses; do not play the victim. Deciders don’t reconcile with weak and pitiful victims; they reconcile with strong, resilient, determined, action-oriented heroes. Be mysterious, and do the work. Blabbing reflects badly on you and does damage as far as the crisis is concerned, so don’t.
If you do what I am telling you, there is a chance your partner will want to give marriage another shot. This will be the time to insist on marriage counseling, where both of you will address your parts in your previous marital disaster. If neither one of you addresses these things, and you get divorced, then I predict that you will repeat the same patterns in a new relationship and may even face a marriage crisis once again. I hope that sounds like entering the Twilight Zone to you and that you do all in your power to correct your relationship mistakes and perspective so you can actually have the kind of partnership we all desire.
Some people get back together and break up numerous times during a marriage crisis. Reconciliation is rarely successful unless both partners work on the dysfunctional thinking and behaviors that got them in the situation in the first place. If you go back because single life and parenting sucked, you were financially strapped, couldn’t afford a decent place, or couldn’t attract the type of date you’d hoped; your reunification will be disastrous. You must repair your dysfunctional thinking and behaviors, and your motivation for wanting to return must be because you love and miss your partner.
No matter what happens, do the work.
You will end up divorced without making long overdue, permanent, and positive changes in your life. Have I said this enough times? Don’t assess and attempt to repair your problems yourself, like a doctor operating on himself. Get professional help. This is an absolutely crucial point. If you are lucky enough to have a chance at reconciliation, it will fail if you fall back into your old ways.
Back in the day, when I knew I needed to make a change in my life, I went to therapy and weekend workshops and sought out every opportunity for learning, healing, and growth; you have to believe with all of your heart that what you are doing is better for you. Hopefully, you will notice how much better you feel, and you will continue learning and growing no matter what happens. Even in my own life, I always look for ways to improve and learn more. The journey to health, well-being, and having healthy relationships with yourself and others never ends. None of us will ever know all there is to know. If you are motivated solely to get your partner back, you have much more growth and learning to do.
I hate divorce more than anything in the world, but sometimes it is for the best. Where the rubber meets the pavement is: can a person grow up mentally and emotionally and work to change? Some people have serious mental disorders and cannot change their negative patterns of thinking and behavior. Those marriages won’t, and perhaps shouldn’t, be saved. The good news is that 90 percent of humans don’t have disorders like that.
If you ultimately divorce.
When a couple is in a marriage crisis, things are dire. The odds are against repair and reconciliation. I have created the marriage crisis intervention to stabilize the crazy time and damage often done and get people to a place where they can make wise decisions. If, in the end, the Decider still wants to divorce, it doesn’t end there, and there is still more work to do.
We need you to be part of the change I hope to lead in how we marry and divorce and refuse to go nasty. People say they want an amicable divorce but don’t know how to attain it. I have created a plan for that, and I urge you to use it so that your entire family system can come through this sad end in the healthiest possible way, where respectful co-parenting exists. You will always be a family, no matter what. If divorce is inevitable, be part of the new divorce where the family’s mental and emotional health is considered, and families who part glide apart slowly, easily, and respectfully.
Finding my plans for managed separation and amicable divorce.
To find my plan for managed separation for couples hoping to reconcile, click here. To find my plan for managed separation for those planning to divorce, click here.
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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
