The Truth About the Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner Divorce.

The famous couple and other celebrities show us how not to divorce.

by Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

Money and fame can be a blessing and a curse, and world-famous Jonas Brothers singer and United States citizen Joe Jonas and Game of Thrones actress and British citizen Sophie Turner are learning this the painful way. For years they have been media darlings, the public soaking up their beauty, fashion, romance, and celebrating the births of two young children. Now, since early September, we get to see their impending divorce and legal battles over who gets custody of the children. I’m sure now that they wish they weren’t so famous.

This celebrity divorce, just like all the others, provokes gossip-filled articles about divorce proceedings and any unfortunate legal disagreement, and is all over the Internet, talking about who did what to whom. Whether you’re talking about any celebrity couple, like actress Turner and Little Bird singer, Jonas, Hugh Jackman and Deborah Lee-Furness, or anyone else, I can tell you one thing for sure about all of them, we have no idea what happened or what’s going on. Anything you see on social media is a rumor, conjecture, worthless information, and page and space-filling, click-baiting garbage. The only facts we know are the court documents that have been filed, but again, just because something is filed doesn’t mean the information contained within it is true. Our legal system is a cat-and-mouse game meant to wear people down so they will stop fighting for the justice they deserve. I implore everyone to regard the speculative narratives about all celebrities as the garbage it is, but still, as a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in marriage crisis and the divorce decision, I see where we can all learn a few things from other people’s breakup stories, and that’s why I’m here.

Here are a few takeaways from my point of view:

1. No one knows what’s happening in any couple’s divorce. I work with couples who divorce and don’t even understand it entirely themselves. Stay out of the why and what for discussions and offer emotional support to your parting friends. The kind where you can listen to someone in obsessed anguish talk about the same thing 215 times in the morning and then go on to do the same in the afternoon. People need to talk when they’re splitting up, to spill forth, but the stories they tell are just stories from their point-of-view. Be kind, supportive, and maintain a stance of not knowing what’s accurate. If possible, always encourage them to avoid self and family destruction.
2. If they’re mutual friends or famous people you likely have never met, don’t take sides. Stay neutral, take what is said about the other person with a grain of salt, but be caring and validating. You can still be there for someone emotionally without agreeing with their words or actions. Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, are not getting divorced, but in essence, they divorced his family, arguably the most famous family in the world. Every other day on social media, I see people destroying them or destroying the royal family. They describe themselves as Team Sussex or Team RF, and each side spews trash about the other. We are all human beings and don’t need this criticism and tearing down one another in our world. Even wealthy and famous people have feelings and suffer. Life is difficult, and remember, we don’t and cannot know all the details, so why not let them be?
3. Follow the Golden Rule. You know, do unto others as you would have them do to you. If we all did this, it would change the world. You also would look the other way from the legal action taken by Jonas and Turner, while wishing them positive resolution, an amicable co-parenting setup, and best wishes for happy lives moving forward.
4. FYI: Divorce is almost never a united decision. Never in my marriage crisis practice of almost 20 years have I seen that to be true, yet so many press releases in celebrity divorce say it is so. Don’t believe it. Celebrities have expensive public relations managers who concoct worthless information for gossip junkies to chew on, all meaningless and meant to show their famous clients in a positive light. That’s fine, I’d do the same, but there is virtually always one person who is the one who wants out and the other who wants to work in it. Why many celebrities do not want us to know is a question for them to answer, but I do question that they had four “wonderful years of marriage,” as was stated in their recent joint statement. Seriously? This should prove what a publicist releases during a couple’s nasty times are fiction fodder. I’d much rather them tell us one is done, and the rest of the details are none of our business.
5. Divorce is a serious decision. No divorce filing should be impulsive. The decision to put your children through this should be made slowly, intelligently, and every effort should be made to keep the family intact and avoid it. Our children most often do not desire divorce, it is foisted on them by adults. If you choose it, your only concern should be for them and their well-being.
6. Celebrities can afford ugly divorces. Just ask Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who have been the worst role models for how to have a divorce where children are involved in American history. Theirs has dragged on endlessly, over at least seven years, and involves finger-pointing, accusations, and backstabbing. I still don’t think it’s 100 percent over. Middle and lower-class people might want to take their estranged spouse down and extract pounds of flesh and pints of blood, but usually can’t afford to, thankfully. The point is that people who are wealthy can make one another miserable in divorce, pay a divorce lawyer zillions, and still be rich tomorrow. Never mind the damage it always does to them and the children. Don’t be like Brad and Angelina, who have shown us how not to behave in divorce. I can’t imagine the emotional toll that debacle has cost their children.
7. Almost all people who divorce wish it to be amicable. In the beginning, most of my clients swear they want the kindest and gentlest divorce possible, and there are ways to facilitate this that celebrities could easily afford. Even folks with average incomes would find this route far less expensive and less emotionally taxing. Work out most marital and custodial details with a divorce counselor, take the disagreements to collaborative lawyers (family lawyers who agree to negotiate everything rather than fight in court.), and go to mediation if necessary. Divorces become nasty when couples hire adversarial family lawyers who send out letters with incendiary language, accusations, and threats. Do not hire these nasty people who care nothing about how you will have to get along once the bombs have stopped dropping. You must take the high road, even though it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
8. Families’ nervous systems are activated when they break up. Any family that breaks up experiences an activation of their nervous systems because the brain perceives divorce as a life threat. When people are activated, they go into fight, flight or freeze, and their IQ drops by many points, and terrible decisions are made. This is why I beg families to slow break ups down, so they may come out of activation and have an easier time adjusting to the many changes. Humans can only tolerate so much distress in a certain period and slowing it down is in the best interest of everyone over the long term.
9. Don’t ever, EVER, say you will take the children away. Unless a parent is a pedophile, hopelessly abusive, or utterly incapable of taking care of a child, do not threaten to take full custody of the children, and do not let your attorney request it. Nothing makes a divorce go south faster. Children need regular access to both parents, even if one of them isn’t that great. Suck it up and allow it. Also, don’t quibble over the standard of care the other parent provides when the kids are with them. When you’re divorced, you don’t get a say in these things.
10. The only thing that matters is the children. Whether you’re famous or not, you must put your children first if you divorce. If you don’t, they will pay a heavy price for your bad decisions. Years ago, I stayed in Texas to raise my children post-divorce so they could be near their dad. After they grew up, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I did this because I follow my own advice and feel parents should do what they must so the children may be near both parents. When one of my clients moves away from their children after a divorce, they hear about it from me, and understand that what they are doing is to the children’s detriment. With Jonas and Turner, one an American citizen and the other a native of Great Britain, and their children with dual citizenship, serious custodial problems apparently exist. Turner has filed a legal action to have a custody arrangement where she may take the children to live with her in England. Sophie’s filing has asked her husband to return her children’s passports, and, of course, he has refused. Turner’s legal team sued Jonas to force him to comply. This would be solved by me immediately when I figure out where the children have been living primarily. If there is such a place, that is ground zero, and both parents should plan to stay near that primary home, even if they don’t want to. In the case of Jonas and Turner, they could even come up with a new, neutral location for a permanent home that is more convenient for both, but the decisions should be made for and about the children’s best interests. For now, a judge has ruled in a temporary arrangement that the children shall have a home base in New York, each spending a week at a time with the children, which sounds like a great idea in the best interest of their young daughters. Turner can use her free time to travel to England and do whatever she wants. No one gets everything they want in divorce.
11. Things you agreed on when married don’t carry weight when you divorce. On September 21, Turner sued Jonas for wrongful retention of their children, stating that they had agreed last year that the children would be raised in England. This was a decision made by two married individuals planning to raise their children together. Now things are different, and Turner must now understand this breakdown of the parties changes the circumstances entirely. Parents from two different countries who have children should understand they may one day have to live in a country they don’t want to live in to be near their children. Luckily, they can both afford whatever travel arrangements might be necessary to work out a permanent residence and visitation situation that works for everyone.

To me, when I hear that a marriage has broken down after four years or less, I make up in my mind that it was pretty much a mismatch disaster from the start, and I’m probably correct. So many people are emotionally immature and do not have the maturity that a long-term, commitment takes, still, they choose to marry. It’s a sad truth I deal with daily, that wouldn’t be so horrible if children didn’t pick up the tab for our personal messes. Joint custody is the way to go, easy access to both parents is the only right thing, showing up as a united and cordial co-parenting unit must take place. If you are married to a wealthy person, but you are not wealthy, understand that great injustice often takes place in not being able to afford quality legal representation when your opponent can. Our system is not fair in that way.

When it comes to what the media says about celebrity couples, again, I can assure you that it’s inaccurate, and I wish it didn’t exist. I want to live in a world where we can be emotionally supportive of anyone who goes through a divorce filing, especially where children are involved. Turner and Jonas will be a family forever, just not living under one roof. The former couple must do everything they can to find an agreement between both parties for possession of the children and everything else involving the family. I would suggest to them, and you, not to leak nasty things about one another, as it will hurt the children. This whole nasty mess must be handled in a private manner, with an amicable co-parenting setup. Let’s hope that in the coming year, we hear less about them, and the court filing madness and disagreements come to an end.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

*For licensure verification find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

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