Recovery After Infidelity is Possible If You Do This.

Readers in shaky unions gobble up information on cheating like a hungry hog to his morning chow, starving for every morsel of information, looking wherever they can, seeking advice and understanding that might clarify whether they’re going crazy or being played the fool … is my spouse having an emotional affair? A physical affair? Are they in love? I suppose this is because people whose marriages aren’t on solid ground and take note that their spouse has started acting differently or a little weird wonder … Could they be cheating? In the Google mania attack that follows, they type in, “How do I know if my spouse is cheating,” and that’s how they find their way to me.

Quite often, when a spouse senses a betrayal, they’re correct. More clearly said, if they have observed solid evidence like changing and improving appearance, long hours away, fading emotional connection and chilliness, and behavior that leans toward secretive and protective of their cell phone or Internet accounts, they might have a cheater on their hands, and I’d recommend checking it out. If, however, you think your spouse is cheating, and you have no evidence but your worrisome or paranoid thoughts fueled by your toxic shame and insecurity, then you might be the problem. My message: Don’t snoop around in your spouse’s business unless you have good evidence that something’s up.

If you’re the cheater, are you humble or defensive and defiant?

It must be said that good people cheat.We can all be fundamentally good people who make terrible and/or impulsive decisions; who hasn’t done that?Cheating should not result in a lifetime Scarlet A of shame tattooed on the person’s forehead from which they can’t escape.We must allow space for people to be different than before there was broken trust.Depending on how a situation is handled, people who betray their committed relationship can seek and receive forgiveness and redemption; the ball is literally in the court of the cheater themself as to how it will go down.

In the beginning stages of a marriage crisis, when a partner suspects the other of cheating, they often ask if something is going on. Whatever happens after that will strongly influence whether a marriage can be saved. As I have said, I see two types of cheating situations when a couple comes to see me.When a person engages in a coverup, lies, or gaslights their partner, I refer to them as the defiant cheaters, and the second is the humble cheater, who falls on their sword and tells the absolute truth of what they’ve been doing. The latter group of betrayers become overwhelmed by shame, regret, and mortification almost immediately after confessing or coming clean. As bad as that feels for them, it gives me great hope that their marriage will be one of the ones that survives.

The defiant spouse’s path won’t go as well. They are about to have a bumpy marital ride that is likely to damage or end the marriage as they tangle themselves in lie after lie. Many a betrayed partner who divorced their lying, cheating spouse told me the continuous lies, minimization, and gaslighting did more damage than the cheating itself, which is entirely understandable. In any marital situation that eventually involves couples counseling, a person with a haughty, defensive, defiant attitude drastically lowers the chances that they will ever be able to have a successful marriage. The best thing both partners can do is to admit that marriage is a difficult gig; they have made mistakes, as everyone does, and they are ready to learn how to be better as adults and in relationships.

Sandra and Phil popped on my Zoom screen for the first time, and their facial expressions showed desperation, injury, and fear. What’s going on?” I asked, knowing things must be terrible. “You guys looked like you’ve seen a ghost.”

They said they needed guidance on handling the situation they’d gotten themselves in. Phil said he had a voice-activated tape recorder in his home he had set up a long time before and forgotten about. Somehow, he saw something had been recorded, so he pulled out the recorder, pressed play, and heard Sandra being seduced by a male friend in their home. He listened to the undeniable sounds of lovemaking, and his initial reaction was shock, followed by shaking with fear and anger. Of all the bad things that could happen in a marriage, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to find such a tape. Still, unbelievably, when confronted, Sandra immediately came clean, creating possibilities for a best-case outcome.

Cynical readers might say, “Of course she did. She was caught red-handed on a tape recorder; she had to admit it.” If you think that, you don’t know the nature of cheating humans. All too often, presented with solid evidence like photos, texts, emails, and recordings, most will shamelessly deny and gaslight, blaming the evidence on some electronic miracle like Photoshop, artificial intelligence, or audio apps that allowed someone to create false evidence. Sandra could have gone that route but faced the music instead, creating a space to work on second chances.

What it takes to repair and recover.

Though statistics tell us that 75 percent of marriages survive an affair, those numbers say nothing about whether they heal and fully recover. As always, I hope couples who are certain they want to stay together after an affair will go for broke and work on themselves and their marriage until we have established mental and emotional health and solidness and corrected the previous dysfunctional patterns that got them in the marriage crisisin the first place. This could take months or years of concerted effort. Percentage-wise, very few couples dedicate themself to this time-consuming endeavor, leaving them vulnerable to trouble in the future. It makes me very nervous when fragile couples leave therapy too soon, but a lot of people do.

To assess what I am working with when an infidelity is revealed, I need to ask at least 5 questions, depending on the circumstances, before I can understand how likely a couple is to recover from an affair:

• Were you emotionally involved with the person?Sandra’s answer was, “Not at all. I can’t even believe I did that.”
• How many times did you meet?“Only once, and I hate myself for it.”
• Do you have to see or be in contact with this particular person at work or anywhere else?”“No, I never have to see him again, and I won’t.”
• Why do you think you were vulnerable to doing such a thing? “Honestly, Phil wasn’t responsive to me when I told him I was struggling with work, our relationship, the kids. I just felt nothing would ever change, and I was miserable. This person was being so nice to me, he’d listen and act like he cared, so I just desperately grasped his kindness.”
• Have you been thinking of separation or divorce?“In my mind, I had lost hope and was biding my time until the kids were grown so I could leave.”
• Do you think you still love your husband?I do; it’s just been hard to access it lately. It has been covered up with anger and frustration.”
• How motivated are you to work on your marriage right now? “Very motivated. I want to have a good marriage, and I want it with Phil if it’s possible.

The Infidelity Recovery Path.

​Phil and Sandra were going through a difficult time and one of life’s worst experiences, but what would blow my mind in the coming weeks is how well each handled their own end of the crisis, something I don’t see every day. They were thoughtful, mature, and considerate of one another. That is not to say that Phil’s nasty 14-year-old self didn’t get triggered and make a few appearances and throw out nasty remarks, but for the most part he quickly corrected and apologized when he did. Jeez, that’s so rare, and I wanted to understand it.

“I’ve always been quick to forgive,” he said. “It’s a part of my personality and just how I am.”

What was also crucial was Sandra’s truthfulness, mortification of herself, and willingness to make it right. When a cheating partner can do those three things, there is great hope for how we can move forward. If they lie, minimize, gaslight, and are defiant about their actions, all bets are off, and whether the marriage can be saved is a question blowing in the wind. One thing I’ve learned in 20 years is that the betrayed spouse will not be able to settle down and move forward unless the cheating partner can understand and express clearly and sincerely that the extramarital affair was a Big Damn Deal and not an act that should ever be justified or defended. Full and complete ownership of the marital infidelity is the only right response.

After the tape discovery, Phil visited his pastor and read some of my blogs. He said those two things, combined with getting professional help from me and his unusual ability to forgive and move on quickly, set them on the right path. He spent much time learning about what healthy individuals and couples are doing. He quickly pinpointed where he had failed, leaving Sandra vulnerable to the kindness and warmth offered by another man. In short, Phil got it. He was unhappy with his past self, determined to do things a certain way at the expense of his marriage, and declared that Old Phil was a thing of the past, showing through his actions over time that this was true.

“Sandra had been stressed and overwhelmed with her job and the children, and she told me so,” he said. “But I didn’t take her concerns seriously, and instead, kept pushing for my agenda, which was work hard while we’re young and retire early. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I wanted her to work and get us closer to our retirement goal. However, once the crisis happened, he went from believing things weren’t that bad to sincerely understanding that they were. This changed everything.

“I recently sat down and revisited our financial circumstances,” he said. “Realistically, she can retire now, stay home with the children, and we will still be financially okay and able to retire early. Maybe not at the same period of time I was hoping for, but it’s a small sacrifice to make for her to be happy and save our marriage. Actually, it’s not even a sacrifice at all.”

Within weeks, Sandra retired from her extremely stressful career, and the next time I saw her, her energy was completely different. Before, she looked tired and beat down; now, she looked lighter and more upbeat and was leaning into Phil rather than pushing away. She had hope, whereas previously, she had none. It was an amazing healing process that happened almost instantly when Phil changed gears and embraced what he had done to push his wife away, expressing deep regret and a desire to make it up to her.

A less evolved or more dysfunctional person might have let their ego get in the way.Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, describes the damage the ego does to the well-being of individuals and families better than almost anyone else I’ve found: The ego is the part of the mind that comments, doubts, and speculates on everything.The fear of being nothing drives it, and itlives in a frequent state of discontent, wishing things could be different.

​That negative voice in your head prevents you from responding lovingly and with compassion and instead focuses on fearful behavior and thoughts. I often say if the voice in your head is loving and compassionate, you’re on the healthy track, and if it speaks fearfully to you, it’s the ego. The ego is very prone to self-destruction and sabotage.It’s important to know when the ego is guiding your thoughts and not to act on its terrible advice. I have learned to ignore mine for the most part, and I credit Tolle and the Power of Now for getting me there.

Miracles can happen when both partners handle their business in mature, adult-like, and considerate ways.

Phil and Sandra were still on solid ground in the months after the initial crisis. They had read and done everything I asked them to and taken the things I said to heart, and in the process, found their way back to one another, falling in love all over again. We did marriage work, which involves quite a bit of education, explored communication patterns and healthy ways to relate, and Sandra stepped up to claim her equal spot at the marital table, now expressing her needs and wants and knowing that her desires were as important as his. They meet with me every few weeks to ensure that there is no slippage and to iron out any kinks that show up along the way. Sandra no longer has thoughts of leaving Phil, and she enthusiastically reports that Phil is now her dream man and new best friend.

“He has made it easy for me to recover from my hopelessness because of literally addressing all of the bullet points that created my original discontentment. Those issues are gone. I don’t know where we’d be without all that, but it wouldn’t be good.”

While some reconciliations I work with are premature, ill-advised, and make me want to bite my acrylic nails off, Phil and Sandra’s is forged on a granite foundation, in my opinion. Sandra has repaired her low self-esteem, has pulled herself off the perfection train, and can now be more kind and comforting to herself. Anal clean-freak before, she now goes with the flow. Each person’s new, more relaxed stances have also trickled down to their children.

“Our children were stressed before, and you can see them much happier and more relaxed now,” she says. “We’re all having more fun.” Of course, I think. A huge storm cloud has been removed from your struggling family. The sun is out again. That affects the entire family system.

Extra marital affairs are often the bane of my existence. I admit I am sick of all the lies and bullshit that come with the territory. It also hurts my heart to see the anguish it creates in a family. Still. I revel in working with people like Phil and Sandra, who humbly address their part in the debacle, each putting in the hard work to improve. Any person reading this should go and start their individual work right now. It’s the first step to creating all sorts of future positive outcomes.

Final plea.

One more thing. If a person feels vulnerable to becoming an unfaithful spouse, why wouldn’t you run, not walk, to a therapist and tell them, and work through your feelings before actually acting on them? Also, perhaps you could share with your spouse that you feel vulnerable to finding an affair partner. I imagine that would get their serious focus and attention. There is so much that can be done to prevent the horrific debacle of marital infidelity if you deal with it before it happens. Still, a person who is pondering infidelity has to hit it head-on instead of struggling with themself on an internal thought journey driven by the ego, which tells you how miserable you are, how things are hopeless, and you deserve to feel good. Yes, the best way is to deal with your marital grievances and not become an unfaithful partner in the first place.

Have a question? If you have a subject, you’d like to see me write about or a situation you might want to present that I could discuss in a blog, please email me at [email protected].

We’ve got lots of news and exciting things going on in the relationship realm … so I’m preparing to send a regular newsletter with the best relationship advice on the planet. To get on my email list, click here.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.