Marriage is a lot harder than you thought, huh?

A lot of people plan to marry one day, and if you’re like I was, you have a fantasy of finally having a best friend, and great, lasting, devoted romantic love, and a happy ending. And then, when the day finally comes, and the years pass, it doesn’t go like you thought it would. A lifetime with another person is very long, and people seem surprised at how hard it is.

Accurate statistics aren’t available on how many married men and women are happy in their relationships, though I’ve read anything from 12 to 85 percent. My wild-ass guess (WAG) is that the lower number is closer to accurate. Why? I have lived long enough, had enough experiences, seen enough clients, and talked to and known enough people to see how terribly ill-prepared, half-assed, and emotionally damaged so many are. Not only as individuals but also in relationships.

The divorce rate says absolutely nothing about who is happily married or how many are in a bad marriage. This is another statistic that can’t be nailed down because not all 50 states report their divorce numbers in any given year, but it is estimated at 40 percent. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for 62 years. They should have divorced, and a lot of couples are like my parents. Unhappily intertwined for life, just trying to get through it, elderly couples heading toward life’s finish line filled with bitterness and resentment. What a way to live.

People don’t leave for a variety of reasons, from money to children, to what people will think, religious beliefs, fear of being a single mom or dad or how the children will fare, lack of courage, the strident belief that marriage really is for better or worse, or death do us part (I couldn’t disagree more), the fear of failure, lack of certainty, fear, being alone, and more.

People have the desire to be married, our brains are wired to make us want to, but almost no one has any idea what we’re signing up for or how much effort it takes. From my perspective, a lot of the time, when people get married, it’s like having a person who has had no flying lessons get in an airplane and then expect them to fly the thing. You can imagine the disaster that will ensue, and that is what I see with marriages day after day.

Having a healthy relationship cannot happen through instinct. It is a learned skill. What I find talking to couples in trouble is that many use benchmarks like, I need to avoid being an asshole, I need to be a good and reliable provider, and that’s about it. People, there is so much more to keeping a romantic partnership stoked and alive throughout your entire life; surely, it is not surprising to learn this.

Here is what I wish most people understood before making such a huge decision … these are the qualities that set you up for marital success …

1. Marriage is for people who are emotionally stable, mature, and self-aware. What does that mean?

• Emotionally stable. Your mood is mostly solid and calm. All of us have bad days, but they should be rare. You practice self-care and know how to bring your best self to you and your relationship because that will keep you content and the partnership alive.
• Mature. Have you noticed the two types of adults? Girls and boys versus men and women? A lot of my clients are paired up with emotional children. Emotionally immature people might have any or all of the following qualities: irresponsible, dependent, childish, pout, throw tantrums, talkers (not doers), shut down, refuse to talk, defensive, secretive, boundaryless, controlling, jealous, stubborn, prideful, and lack self-control. There are more, but you get the idea.
• Self-aware. You have learned to pay attention to yourself and can feel when you need or want something, advocate for yourself, and adjust accordingly.
• Low maintenance. If you have dated more than ten people in your life, you know well that some people are very demanding in relationships, and others are like a Toyota Camry, reliable, solid, and requiring infrequent time in the shop. When selecting a mate, one type will wear you out, and the other is like a soothing balm. Choose wisely.
• Capable of adult-level communication. Your partner says something to you, and you have a negative reaction and verbally punch them right back in the nose, run away, or shut down. Adults can stay calm and present in the conversation and respond with respect. Let me break it down for you …

Example: Husband, sounding upset:

“Good God, Marianne, do you know how many Amazon packages arrived at our house last month?” (The way he phrased this is aggressive, and his wife’s brain will go on alert immediately because of the tone and stance — rather than adult to adult, he is standing over her, like an angry parent to a child.) This never works.

Wife with childish response:

“You’re such an ass. Do you know how much time it saves me to order stuff like toothpaste instead of shopping at the store? You think I’d buy whatever and destroy us financially. Glad to see how much you trust me, dickhead.” (Because her brain told her she was under threat, it ignited her snarky 14-year-old self to respond). This never works.

The pattern that destroys.

This is the pattern that almost every couple I see is engaged in.

1. The speaker makes a comment perceived negatively by the listener.

2. The listener’s brain feels a threat, and they go from a state of calmness to a red alert, signaling that their nervous system has been activated. Their heart rate increases, and they go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (FFFF). The problem is that the part of us that responds while in FFFF is a snarky 14-year-old teenager who damages the relationship with their words or actions.

3. Now, the listener’s nervous system fires up into threat mode, and their own 14-year-old responds.

4. The argument escalates, the damage is done, and neither partner feels understood.

After a few go-rounds like this, one or both of them will conclude, “I can’t talk to them,” so they don’t. Anger builds, each person seethes in resentment because they can’t get their partner to understand them and their concerns, and if they can’t understand, there won’t be hope for change. In the end, the stock of the marriage plummets.

Here is how it could have gone …

Husband: Wisely and thoughtfully, he has waited for a calm and pleasant moment to bring up a difficult subject. His wife is in a pleasant, soft mood. He approaches her slowly and in a non-threatening way, making certain his tone is soft and kind. He speaks: “Hon, you know, I find myself feeling anxious every time an Amazon box arrives, as if each box represents doom or something. I know it doesn’t make sense, and I know and trust you know what you’re doing, but I can’t seem to shake my anxiety. Even though it sounds kind of off the wall, would you mind reassuring me that I don’t have any reason to worry about it?” (Notice that he is talking about his feelings and his problem. In no part of this conversation is he pointing a finger at his wife.).

Wife: (Laughs) “Of course not,” she says. “If each box represented big ticket items, we’d both be in trouble,” she laughs. “But it just saves me so much time to buy the little things from them, even stupid stuff like toothpaste and toilet paper. If it makes you feel better, you Might look at the Amazon card statement once in a while and see what I’m spending; I sure don’t want you to worry.”

Success! The same conversation happened but was done in a healthy way. This is the difference between an immature couple communicating and a mature one. Mature adults are thoughtful, edit themselves, and choose the right times to bring things up.

2. A good relationship or successful marriage takes a lot of time, focus, awareness, and continual communication.

It helps to think of it as having another job. When you think of priorities in life, marriage should be number two, after your own self-care. The most important thing to remember is to make sure your spouses’ needs are met and topped off; then, you can spend time doing other things without fear of criticism.

• A spouse has to check in with their partner’s needs and wants regularly. Ask, “How am I doing? Are you happy? Is there anything I could do to improve your life or our lives?” Note: If your spouse will not do this, you do it. Ask them how you are doing and if they are happy or need anything.
• Most couples know about Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. Reading and applying what it says should be mandatory for every marriage because it clearly outlines the work of marriage.

The number one cause of divorce, from my perspective, is emotional immaturity. Better put, that 14-year-old teenager who lives within us, always ready to pounce, kills respect and goodwill. A lot of people think that the snarky teen is helpful because it won’t tolerate bull or baloney from anyone, and while that may be true, people hate dealing with it so much that eventually, they won’t even try. That’s not conducive to a relationship.

There is no problem or situation that cannot be more effectively dealt with by the mature adult part of ourselves. In marriage counseling, we seek to retire the 14-year-old, thanking it for its loyal service but telling it at the same time we can now take over the wheel of our personality. Do this and change the whole dynamic of your life and relationships.

I still hear the voice of the 14-year-old occasionally, but in almost every case, I don’t allow it to speak for me. She sits back, in reserve, for the rare cases when only her nastiness will do. That happens after every attempt at setting a boundary using my healthy adult voice has been implemented unsuccessfully, and the problem has not been resolved. Unfortunately, there are some people who will only stop causing harm when you blast them with a verbal AK-47, but luckily, most people aren’t that way. In these cases, I choose to be immature in that specific situation.

Think US, as opposed to ME.

Recently, I was working with a couple, and the wife was begging the husband to stop correcting her and others if they were the slightest bit inaccurate with what they said. “Why can’t you just let things slide? she said. “It’s the only thing I ask. It’s so friggin’ irritating when you correct everyone; we all hate it!”

Her husband’s brow dropped, and he said, “I can do whatever I want when I want!”

“Yes, you can,” I said, sensing an opportunity. “But you will also have to accept whatever consequences come with doing what you want without regard for other people’s feelings. In marriage, you need to consider what is in the highest good of all, not just yourself. If you want to stay married, that is.”

And therein lies the rub. Do you want to be right and do things your way with little or no thought of others, or do you want to be married long term? I hope that’s an easy choice. My mentor, Terry Real, who recorded the amazing audiobook Fierce Intimacy, says a person should want to do what their spouse asks to get what they want in return. In other words, if you accommodate your partner, they’re more likely to accommodate you. That’s why Real calls his method of therapy for couples the Relational Life Theory (RLT). He literally teaches couples what I am teaching you now: the dynamics that help us become relational-minded instead of me-oriented.

Therapists trained in RLT are counselors and therapists who teach each individual how to do the give, take, and compromise a relationship takes. Understand that we all enter adulthood with residue from childhood developmental trauma, and quite a few of us are emotionally disabled in ways that have to be addressed and healed so we can have healthy, flowing relationships with others.

For instance, if you are full of self-loathing, we have to work with you to change that so you can be healthy in a relationship. If not, your toxic relationship with yourself will trickle down into everything you say, the actions you take, and how you perceive what others say. It will poison your relationships and make them untenable.

​Come out of fantasyland and be realistic about what marriage entails.

When I decided to marry again after being single for a long time, I reminded myself that it meant losing my freedom to do whatever I wanted in exchange for a best friend and life companion. I was ready and willing to do the giving and sacrifice that a good marriage requires. If you come into a new marriage for yourself or for what you can get out of it, you probably should have stayed single. At the end of the day, healthy relationships require not always having your way.

I dream that one day, the kinds of skills I know and teach will be taught in schools across America so that small children will learn early how healthy and loving relationships with ourselves and others look. We could save so much damage that will inevitably happen later if we just educated young students and gave them a healthy compass to shoot for. It’d be a great first step in preparing children and young adults for healthy relationships.

There will never be such a thing as a perfect couple, but we can all be good enough couples. Romantic relationships are the best thing in the world when they work the way they were meant to. You must take time to understand and heal yourself, grow yourself up, and learn to be a respectful adult.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.