Does divorce make people happier? A study says No.

Unhappily married people who stay often become happy again.

With 600,000 Americans divorcing yearly in the United States, you have to wonder if ending their marriages ultimately makes them happier, and conventional wisdom would suggest it does. Does divorce offer a new beginning and a fresh start and provide the solution for a person’s marital unhappiness and suffering? Is the grass greener outside of an unhappy marriage? Do new relationships fill a person up in ways the other marriage failed? Is getting away from a partner who drives you nuts the best solution for happier lives?

I’ve long suspected that divorce isn’t often the fix for unhappiness that unhappily married people think it is. I also sense that most people pull the plug too soon when simply going through an inevitable downturn that comes with almost every marriage as if any suffering in a relationship isn’t acceptable. 

In addition, I’ve talked to hundreds of my friends and clients over the years at various times following a divorce, and the results have been less than thrilling. A handful have fared well with the passage of time, but more often, I have seen plenty who were still unhappy and struggling in multiple ways.

Fortunately for all of us, there is research on the subject by the Institute for American Values, a New York City think tank that conducted research from 1987 to 2016 and whose mission was “to study and strengthen civil society” (1). I took note of the family studies research because two of the authors of the study,  William J. Doherty, a respected Marriage and Family Therapist and professor at the University of Minnesota and specialist on the subject of marriages on the brink, and University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, a George Herbert Mead Distinguished Professor were involved. 

Using the National Survey of Families and Households, Doherty, Waite, and four other colleagues interviewed 645 spouses out of 5232 who had described themselves as unhappy in their marriages in the 1980s. Five years later, they returned and interviewed them again and found some had divorced, and others had separated and ultimately stayed married.

Since it is commonly known that marital strife and difficult marriages affect an individual’s psychological well-being negatively, the researchers wondered if the ones who left and divorced found relief from their unhappiness. Here is the study’s findings:

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier on average than unhappily Married adults who stayed married. This included spouses who had remarried others after their divorce and remained true across all races, ages, genders, and income levels.
• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married spouses or raise their self-esteem compared to unhappy spouses who stay married. 
• Eighty-six percent of the unhappy spouses reported no abuse or violence in their marriages.
• Two out of three unhappy married adults who avoided divorce or separation five years later reported that their feelings had changed and that they were once again happily married.
• One out of five unhappy spouses who divorced and remarried reported being happily remarried.
• Unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married.
• The most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds. 
• Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals. (2)

What explains a marriage with super lows followed by an ability to rebound and continue on happily? The marital endurance ethic plays a role, says the study:

“Many spouses said their marriages got happier, not because they and their partner resolved problems but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With time, they told us, many sources of conflict and distress eased. Spouses in this group also generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as did friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married.”

It must be said that some people seem mostly unhappy no matter what is going on with their lives. I have worked with numerous individuals over the years who claimed to be miserable and looked around for someone or something to pin the blame on when the misery itself seemed to come from within. It is often difficult to get these types to recognize this and face the fact that each person’s happiness is their individual responsibility.

One thing is sure; however, if these or other types choose to divorce, a whole new set of stressors and challenges will undoubtedly be faced. The spouse who complained that their partner didn’t help enough with the household or children is now faced with doing all that with no help. They will have to deal with the divorce process, their partner’s responses to divorce, the challenges and aggravations of co-parenting, the reactions of children, financial problems, numerous changes, and adjustments, and, if they remarry, new disappointments, frustrations, and family conflicts.

Regrets.

A substantial fraction of divorced people expressed doubts about their divorce, even many years later, the study reported. “In New Jersey, for example, 46 percent of divorced people reported that they wished that they and their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences.” In Minnesota, the number was 66 percent. 

Reading this and other studies confirms my belief that too many marriages end unnecessarily, and many that were “pretty good” marriages end because one partner misperceives that they are in a bad marriage or just doesn’t have the fortitude to make it through the white-knuckle times. 

In my experience, expectations of what a marriage should be are often lofty and unrealistic. No one person will ever be able to do all the things we’d love for them to, and it comes down to being happy with what they can give and learning to fulfill ourselves in the areas we aren’t getting.

Personal Happiness Ethic. 

The study asked four questions about psychological well-being: global happiness, depressive symptoms, self-esteem, and a personal sense of mastery, which refers to the belief that one has control over the forces that affect one’s life. The researchers were surprised to find that divorce did not improve the psychological well-being of unhappy spouses. Their stressors and negative symptoms increased compared to the unhappily married spouses who stayed married. 

On most measures, divorce made no difference in making people happier or improving their mental health or well-being. Divorce, on average, “failed to improve the psychological and emotional well-being of unhappily married people.

Some marriages should end.

Of course, not all marriages should be saved, especially the ones that are hopelessly toxic relationships, and you know what I’m talking about. Some people won’t change and are obnoxious and hopeless instigators of misery, marital problems, and emotional abuse. If you are in a situation like that, divorce is probably the right choice. What this study shows, however, is that divorce is not likely to make a person happy or bring them guaranteed peace and harmony. Yes, it may remove the conflict you endured living under the same roof with the personality that made any chance of marital happiness impossible, but leaving them will not likely decrease stress or improve mental or psychological well-being. Stating the obvious, divorce will have its problems, and so will the post-divorce and recovery period. It affects people for the rest of their lives and almost never matches the fantasy the unhappily married spouse envisioned. 

(1) https://instituteforamericanvalues.org/

(2) Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages. Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley. University of Chicago. 2002.

If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy this: https://marriagecrisismanager.com/the-stages-of-marital-crisis/