Your Marriage Won’t Survive Betrayal Without Therapy

Life situations can be like getting hit by a car, so emotionally and physically painful that you might like to be put into a medically induced coma. Death of a loved one comes to mind, and divorce. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, though, the thing I see that is equally as painful is a partner’s betrayal in a long-term relationship. Sometimes couples come in before an extramarital affair is uncovered, and other times they come in just after, but witnessing such deep pain is not my favorite way to spend an afternoon. The betrayed partner usually feels and acts like someone who has just been in a wreck — in shock, wanting to run but don’t know where to run to. Feeling crazy, even though they aren’t, and entering a state of obsession, fury, injury, and feeling like a fool. Even crazier, the person who they desire comfort and reassurance from is the person who just skewered their heart. They don’t know what to do, but they know to come to marriage therapy.

It is there that hope for a healed marriage and reconciliation can begin. It’s not a short-term process, but when handled intelligently and finesse by someone who has experience and knows what they’re doing, we know that 75 percent of marriages survive and hopefully go on to a better relationship than they had before. You can’t hope to survive betrayal of trust without getting to the roots of the problems that caused one partner to stray in the first place. Knowing what I know, every marriage in crisis needs a therapist to manage the terrible experience, from start to finish.

Imagine being in that state and not going to a professional counselor. Plenty of people choose that route, and this article is for you. These do-it-yourselfers instead do an Internet search about what to do, or rely on close friends or family to counsel them. Imagine going to your friends and family to also guide you through your serious health issues, like cancer, chronic illness, or broken bones. I would imagine that taking that route might make your health worse, and potentially life-ending. That’s how I view what’s likely to happen to couples who don’t get professional help during one of life’s most painful experiences. I tell people who are thinking of managing it themselves that they…